‘’- I think I just pissed my pants’’
Okay you’re probably slightly baffled at the moment, so let me rewind a bit. I’m in the car with my family, trying to understand what would possess a person to drag their children out of school and force them to move to a completely new –
‘’You'll love it here!!’’ says mum, interrupting my train of thought, in that really enthusiastic voice that makes you think sticking pins in your eyes is the best idea ever. The ‘here’ in question is Jupiter, yes you read that right, it says Jupiter. Sadly it's Jupiter Florida not Jupiter the planet, which would be a totally different matter.
‘’The people are supposed to be really nice here’’
‘’Really? That’s the reason why we’re moving here? because the people are nice?!’’ I said incredulously,
‘’Well there are other reasons’’
‘’Like?’’ I demanded
‘’The brochure says that there are a variety of sporting activities and a state of the art gym, c’mon you love sports, this’ll be great!’’
‘’Mother, mother, mother’’ I said, shaking my head sympathetically ‘’they could have a football and a basket ball in a cupboard and they could make it out like they have a ‘variety of sporting activites’ and a ‘state of the art’ gym. Brochures’ are just propaganda trying to inseminat-‘’
‘’Hey Indie as fascinating as your theory of Hitler being reincarnated as Mayor of Jupiter is, I think us mere mortals would just like to listen to the radio… in silence.’’
‘’Ha! ha! ha! Milan you’re so funny, I think I just pissed my pants’’ If you didn’t read that in the most sarcastic way I advise you to go back and do so.
‘’Sarcasm is not an attractive look for you, oh wait is any look attractive for you?’’
My father slightly turns his head away from the road and says
‘’Hey! you two, you know that fairytale, Hansel and Gretel, where the father leaves the children in the woods, let’s keep that a fairytale.’’ As you can see my dad is a bundle of love and affection. We stay quiet for the rest of the journey. Well almost.
‘’Okay so in what part of the reasons for moving here were you going to mention we’re going to live in the freaking white house?!’’ I said climbing out of the car and staring up at our new house in awe. Okay don’t get excited it’s not really the White house, but the house is so big and so white that I couldn’t miss the opportunity.
‘’I thought you’d like it’’ mum said while opening the door with a sly smile
‘’I’m going to regret bringing this up, but, there are plenty of rooms- DON’T KILL EACH OTHER!’’ Dad shouts after us as we make a mad dash up the stairs.
‘’I’m older so I should get to pick first’’ I said, not in an attempt to reason with my brother, but hoping that his little brain will be preoccupied in thinking up a good comeback and not realise that there's a third floor. I run up the staircase slightly ahead of my brother and find a large landing with a balcony leading off it. There are two doors on either side of me, one to my right and one to my left. In these life and death situation (not being dramatic at all) I pick any door and hope for the best.
So after a week I figure out that maybe I could have reconsidered having a room that's more lazy-person friendly, I mean me and stairs just don't get along. At. All. Neither do me and walking, but seeing as I don't have an automobile of any sort, I think my first-day-of-school outfit will include the sweating and out of breathe look. Tres chic.
''So why can't you drop me off today?''
''Because I need to get to work early to meet my new colleagues'' said mum
''Can you not like, Tweet them or something?''
She looked at me with disgust. I was joking!
''But it's my first day of school and as a mother you should be there, by my side, comforting me and telling me everything well be alright'' adding a puppy dog face for the sympathy vote
''Suck it up''
She clearly loves me.
''You're such an amazing mother, but seriously I have to walk 3 miles...''
1 mile takes about 20 minutes
20 minutes times 3 is....
''kill me NOW!''
''Stop being so dramatic honey, look, you can take your dad's bike for the meantime, then we can look into getting you a car or some-''
I was jumping up and down like a dog on acid
''ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU ARE THE BE-''
''You'd be paying for it of course'' mum said trying to suppress her amusement.
My mouth dropped open, she's can't be serious, she totally just gave me false hope.
I narrowed my eyes.
''That was cruel mother, very cruel''
My mum, let me correct that, the evil woman standing in front of me, burst out laughing
''Your face was priceless, it literally just dropped'' she continues to cackle.
If looks could kill then even you'd be dead and you're not even here.
''Darling I'm sorry, you're right it was cruel'' she chuckles
''you finished?'' I was not amused
''Yes, sorry'' she said sheepishly ''but we need you to learn to work for things in life, you come from a wealthy background and we wouldn't be able to forgive ourselves if you grew up to be spoilt''
''You think I'd grow up to be spoilt? me, of all people?''
Well this just got serious.
She walked towards me and cupped my face.
''I know honey, but we can't just let you have things and then let Milan work for them, it's not fair, it looks like favouritism. We know you'd never turn out to be spoilt, because of everything you've been through.''
I guess she has a point, I would never let Milan feel like he was less important, I would die before I let him feel unloved. I wouldn't even wish it upon my worst enemy.
She tilted my chin up,
''How about this, we pay for half and you earn the other half?''
''Yeah, that sounds alright I guess''
''And I'll even save you the trouble of looking for a job''
''I'll probably end up working at a office doing boring paperwork''
''Paperwork is very important''
''If it wasn't for paperwork yada yada yada we'd all be dead, I get it'' I said rolling my eyes
''Well not exactly, everything would be very disorganised though, which in a sense-''
''Muuum'' I groaned
''I'll try and find something more suited to your interests then''
''Just so you know, my interest include sleeping, watching tv and eating''
''I'm choosing to ignore that piece of information and I'm leaving now''
She kisses my forehead and heads for the front door.
''Bye Indie, te amo''
''Love you too mum''
''Remember to wear a helmet!''
So we can add helmet hair to the sweating and out of breathe look, clearly all the guys will be fighting over me.
I walk out to the garage to find my dad's bike but the helmet is nowhere in sight. I could try looking for it but I guess it's just fate and who am I to mess with fate. I roll the bike out of the garage and lean it against a wall so I can lock the door.
''Bye Bailey!'' I hear a guys voice shout. I look across our front garden into the neighbours and see a guy climbing into a sleek black sports car, I feel sorry for him, I mean driving can't be comfortable with a silver spoon up your arse. Okay, okay sorry, that was uncalled for. I'm just going go blow some balloons for my pity party and be on my way. I sling my bag over my chest, put in my ear buds and mount my bike checking if the brakes work. I start to pedal along to the beat of the music when I have this fleeting thought that I don't exactly know where I'm going, but that's crazy, I know where I'm going.