"You!" cried Jerald.
"Yes," announced Simpsonkins. "It is I!"
No one paid the whimpering poodle any attention. It was in the background. Same with the bear. It was in the background too. The world held still as the two arch enemies faced one another in the showdown of the century.
Simpsonkins took a single step forward. His tray was gone, but now he revealed his true weapon: a golden fire poker. A retractable one too, small enough to fit within the tight dress pants of a butler.
Jerald eyed his opponent and then flashed his fangs, magnificently displaying his care for dental hygiene like the mascot for a toothpaste company.
Simpsonkins laughed maniacally. "You think I didn't know of your little secret?" he asked. "I am your butler. I know all your secrets!"
"Really?" asked Jerald his eyes widening as he recalled a few of his darkest secrets. He shivered.
"That's right!" roared Simpsonkins, taking another step forward. "I know about Darlene!"
Jerald made a face of utter aghastion--yes, he had that much consternaity--and then he swallowed tightly. "What else do you know about me?"
"I know about Heather, too!"
Jerald gasped. But then he remembered that this was not a soap opera, and Simpsonkins had no right to bring up such topics while in such a tense situation. "And what are you going to do about it?" he demanded.
Simpsonkins lifted the poker like a saber, and said, "It is time to die!"
And then he charged across the cave floor with a terrific swing of the poker stick. Jerald fell down in the process of dodging, and then proceeded to roll back and forth as Simpsonkins chopped downward from side to side with the poker stick. They followed this movement for a minute and a half before Jerald finally sprung to his feet, and tackled he butler. They hit the ground and rolled one on top of the other, back and forth across the cave floor, battling with the poker as if it was more than just a rod of metal.
And then, at this intense moment, there was a sudden rumble. They both looked up in sudden fear and spotted Rex with an extended paw upon a giant red lever that protruded auspiciously from the ground. The two paused from their wrestling match, the butler pinning Jerald down, and watched in horror as the dog pulled down on the lever.
"NO!" screamed Jerald in capital letters.
But it was too late, and the rumbling filled the cave. And then, suddenly, where the giant noticeable X marked the floor, the floor began to fall away. Intense heat wafted up into the cavern from the lava below, and Jerald gritted his teeth, which must be kind of a bad habit when you're a vampire.
The ground fell away only to where Jerald lay, so that he was now pinned down at the edge of a tremendous abyss of lava. He gripped the butler as the heat rolled across his sweaty muscles, and he let out a cry of effort.
He managed to struggle with the butler until they were both standing and duelling over the pit of lava. And then because whoever designed the completely unnecessary lava pit was also one for overly dramatic escapes, Jerald noticed that there was a narrow bridge of rock passing over the lava. He began to back down this path as the butler pressured him with only an angry glare.
When he was right in the center, he stopped as if he was a thrill-seeking fool. And then he confronted Simpsonkins. "You should not have come here tonight!" he cried, acting arrogantly like a main character who just knew he was the author's pet.
Simpsonkins raised an eyebrow like an over-cocky villain just itching to be shown the justice.
"Ha ha!" cried Jerald completely out of the blue, leaping from the bridge to a previously nonexistent rope. He grabbed the rope and swung as if he was on a tarzan swing in a McDonald's Playplace, and as he flew out over the lava his skin somehow impervious to the pool of 750 degree celsius lava, his weight caused a counterweight system of bells and whistles and random meaningless gears to let a giant chandelier fall from the ceiling.
The chandelier, which was the bear's most prized possession having been won at a silent auction in Kentucky, landed upon Simpsonkins, sending him collapsing from the bridge and down into the lava to temporarily be killed.
Jerald finished his heroic swing, landing upon the stone of safety thirty three feet away. But when he looked up, he was coolly taken aback to realize that Rex had fetched help during the fight.
Jerald was completely surrounded. An entire troop of ninjas stood before him now with their arms folded, and at the head of them all--a man in a white lab coat with spiky blue hair.
Jerald swallowed and climbed sorely to his feet. This was going to be one intense action scene...