It was a dark night. The clouds were drifting like ribbons of black fabric in a starlit pond. And the stars--they lived to witness every crime that played out across the surface of the earth.

The forest was dark, the trees twisted, and the ground splattered with mud. Dark rodents scambered through the thick underbrush, and the cry of hunting predators sent shivers of cold blood down the backs of every haunted hare.

And only one man was foolish enough to walk this night beneath the full moon. His name was Jerald, and he was taking a short-cut through these woods against his better judgement. He had paused on the brink of the unknown, wondering if he ought to take the short-cut or not. But he was running late for his friend's halloween party so he entered the old woods all alone and without a light.

Little did he know, these woods were the location of a tremendous crime. Three people had been brutally murdered here by an ax-murderer boogie-man. And what was worse, the murderer had never been caught...

Jerald's heart was beating quickly as he swung his gaze carefully across the dark forest. He had stopped dead in his tracks, listening intently for the scratching of claws on wood. Was something following him? He took another step and a dry twig snapped beneath his foot. He jumped at the sound and then gave a nervous laugh.

And then, just as he had decided it was safe, a figure moved from behind him. He continued to walk as if unafraid, but something tingled across his skin, and suddenly, all at once, he knew that he would be lucky to even make it out of there alive...

But, not being able to stop himself, he turned to face the coming horror. At this instant, a rumble of thunder boomed across the woods, and the lightning lit the terrifying and mutilated face of the ax murderer boogie man!

Jerald raised a single eyebrow and realized that standing before him was some idiot wearing the type of phoney costume you could only ever piece together from a thrift store on a sunday. And, also noting that the man was posing with an ax over his head with his entire front exposed, Jerald launched a swift side kick into the man's gut.

The man doubled over, dropped the ax, and stumbled a few feet across the rough forest floor. He could hardly even see from behind his mask, and he promptly began a boxing match with a tree.

Jerald calmly walked up behind the man and removed his pitiful mask.

"Dude," he said. "This is not a cheap horror film. Go get some help."

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Author Guidance for This Story

- Do you laugh loudly from the back row of the theatre during a horror film?
- Do you wish to yell at the characters: "Why are you crawling backwards along the ground? Get up and actually run, or just fight the idiot. Anyone wearing something like that has got to be missing a few brain cells!"?
- Do you like taking cliches and turning them into a satirical comedy?
- Do you like taking a break from serious pieces of writing for a bit of fun (me at the moment)?
If you answered 'yes!' to any of the above, then this story is for you!

Details:
- We are not restricted to just making fun of the cheapside of horror. There's also an outlandish adventure, a spine-pricking thriller, and an adrenaline-pumping action to be had, (all for a dollar ninety-nine, call now and you'll get a free bobble head).
- Plain text is for the serious (you-can't-be-serious) film/story/play/comic book. Italics is for the author stepping in to make some satirical fun.

updated Dec 14, 2008 by olius_brightwell