...there weren't all these fancy clothes.

There wasn't any of these crazy clothes you youngsters have nowadays oh no. If a young girl walked around looking like that with her bum hanging out her skirt up to there she'd be run out of town. We had some damned proprietry back then, why, you even though of a bare piece of flesh outside the bedroom and you'd soon as pluck out your own eyes for shame! It made going to the butcher's a challenge don't I tell you!

And this so called fashion, bah, what a load of nonsense, back in my day we'd wear sacks with some extra holes in and call it genius, none of this strapping birds to your head and moles to your feet and wrapping foxes round your neck like you'd ran around the country covered in glue, getting all the woodland creature stuck to you. By gum, you wouldn't see belts the size motorways back in my day either, you'd try anything like that and you'd get a belt all right, so help me.

Yes, that's right we wore sacks for suits and had none of these high-heels, if we wanted to be taller we'd use stilts like any normal person and be proud of it. Fashion was a challenge back then, it actually had a point to it, not like you and your £300 belt you call a skirt! Oh, and it wasn't just the women, oh no. Men had proper style back in my day. None of this metrosexual malarkey, oh no! There were only two looks for a man back then and that was flannels shirts and jeans, proper lumberjack clothes for real men, because we all chopped down trees back then, and for fun too, not like you namby-pambies and your 'v-d-o' games. The other was a full top hat and tails and if you think you've got them now you're a fool.

A top hat back then was 50 feet tall and you either looked good or broke your neck! The tails, why they were twenty miles long and no-one would talk to you again if you so much as thought about dragging them along the ground. We had real standards of dress back then!

I bet you wouldn't even believe I was a fashion designer back then, oh ho no! You think sacks just invented themselves? And you're all too bliming stupid nowadays to even sell in your fancy clothing departments. Crying shame, crying shame.

The End

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