Average Joseph

It was a question that had haunted men for ages, one that's answer they could never truly be sure of, one that they would deliberate for indisciminate amounts of time and still not come up with anything concrete.

Today, the question was specifically important.

Today, everything was specifically important.

Today, Joe had a date.

For the full gravity of this to be clear, some background is in order. You see, Joe is not a normal man. He is really not an abnormal man either, though. He is average.

"Would that not make him a normal man?" you might ask. No. No, it wouldn't. Cut that sort of thinking out right now and this will all go down much more easily.

Back on track now, though.

Joe is average. His height is average, his build is average, his eyesight is average, his hair is of average length, he has average looks, his job and his car and his home are all average. His talent at the average amount of things he does is average. If there is any one thing about him that stand out or is exceptional, it is that he is spectacularly average. If there was a championship for the Most Average Person, where they gather the hundred most average persons in the world and put them through gruelling average-ocity tests, he would come in fiftieth place because anything else would be above or below average.

You may be thinking to yourself, "He's Average Joe." No. You would be wrong again. His name is actually Joseph and everyone calls him that. No one bothers to give Joe a nickname. 'Joe' just saves time while typing because it's shorter than Joseph. I suppose you could call him Average Joseph if you really felt like it, but you'd probably be the only one who picks a five-syllable name over a one- or two-syllable one. I know this is upsetting for your witty self, but you'll get over it in time, I promise.

I think that's probably enough background to let the importance really sink in, but if you're unconvinced of his average ways, just think of any word you could use to describe anyone and replace it with average, or any question you could ask of someone and answer it with average. That should do the trick, grammatical errors aside.

"Would that not make him abnormal?" you might now ask, just to be difficult. But if you're considering asking this question, I suggest you decide not to, because I refuse to answer it and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed in your experience with this story.

Moving on.

Joe did not go on dates. Joe did his job and then did average things at home, hanging out with his average friends an average amount of times per month. He had a girlfriend in school, but they had broken things off after an average amount of time because Joe was too average for Jane, who was also average but not nearly to his degree.

But, other than that, he was so average he managed to pass by as nearly invisible for most of his life.

So why, one might ask Joe, was a girl suddenly interested in him? And an above average one, at that?

The answer was simple, really; he had no freaking idea.

And although that very thought had haunted him ever since the date was arranged, that was not the worry on his mind at the moment. No, that all-important question I mentioned earlier was what he was contemplating with all his effort. And the question is simple.

Which tie should I wear?

The End

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