Sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap. Come on, you can do this, you've gotta do this. Otherwise, what will you think of yourself afterward? It feels so much better to be able to say that you didn't stop at all! Sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap. See? You're still going! You don't have to stop. You're doing so well. What would you think of yourself afterward, Bly?! Remember what your coach said? That if your chest isn't burning when you're done, you didn't push yourself hard enough? Come on, push! Sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap sixth-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap. See? Only one more lap after this! You can so do it! Just keep going, just keep breathing. You do not need to stop now, you need to keep going. Your legs have done this before, so why should they stop now because they're tired today? You know how many times they've been this tired? And you know how many times you've just kept on going? You know you can. Seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-

"Hey, Bly,"--"Hey!"--"You remember me? I'm in your English class!"

"Yeah, I know! You're Devon!"

Seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap.

"Yup! Hey, what are you on?"

"Oh, I'm in Cross Country. And obviously you're on football. Is it JV or Varsity, though?" Why is he keeping pace with you to talk to you? Why are you still talking to him? How are you supposed to keep running like this? You are going to pass out from lack of oxygen! Stop it!

"It's just JV," he responds.

"That's cool!" You really need to stop yelling, he's going to think that you don't like him, Bly. Seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap seventh-lap eighth-lap. Well, at least he's gone now, so you don't have to pass out anymore. And it's your last lap, and then you don't have to die! You can do it, come on! You know you can! It's just one more lap! Come on, sprint it! Eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap eighth-lap

* * *

I just keep panting and swallowing entire winds of air, but it's not enough. I still feel like someone took away the air. My mouth is a desert and my hair feels like grits and grime. I keep walking, I look around, I stretch. It's always easier to stretch once you're done running. I lean my straightened arms against the chain-link fence, and do a sort of lunge. My calves are burning. I change sides. Repeat. Three times. When I'm done with that, I turn. "Hey, Rainy," I say through my gulps of atmosphere.

She smiles at me. Or does she really? I can't tell. She always seems like she's smiling, or like she's happy. "Hey," she says.

She's one of my favorite people. I've only known her for about a month, but we get along so well. She shares a ton of my views of things and we went through pretty much the same experience in middle school except at different places. Rainy is so warm and just unbelievably sweet. She reminds me of daisies and sugar. And that sounds like it would be something cheesy but if you knew her the way I do you'd get it. She's pretty much a hippy who doesn't smoke marijuana.

"Good run?"

"Yeah! Except my thigh-burning problem happened again."

"That happens to me all the time, except in my calves, don't worry man."

"I know, I just wish I knew how to push myself right."

"Oh, Rainy, you're so good at running already that what you're doing right now is perfect. Seriously. You're gonna win a bunch of meets, I know."

"Thanks." She giggles.  "What about you? Good?"

"Hey, guys, it's time to do stretches! Come on, circle up!" Acostas says, and we do. It's not a very nice circle, because the ground is still wet from the rain in most places, but it's still an oval.

Continuing our conversation after sitting down, I start, "I donno. 'Cause, you know, when I was running, I was running fine but I still didn't finish as fast as anyone else and I was last. Ha, I'm probably gonna cry about it later." When I say this, I don't look sad much. I hope I don't, anyway. I don't feel any sadness in my eyes, so I don't think anyone else can see it, but who knows, right? But I'm fine then.

"But you did great! Just remember, could you run the entire time in the beginning?"

"Well, no, but I just am not as fast as everyone else and I feel pushed to do as good."

"Okay, butterflies!" Acostas again. 

I put the soles of my feet together and pull them in, then lean forward.

"But you are, see, you did better than you did when you first started! This is your inner perfectionist talking, and you just need to tell her to shut up sometimes. You did really well!"

"Now the butt stretch!" That's what everyone likes to call it. Acostas likes to put emphasis especially on thi, though, that there is, in fact a butt stretch.

Rainy continues her speech. "You've got to believe me when I say that, that you just need to start to let yourself be proud of yourself sometime. You have to stop pushing yourself so hard, you're going to explode some time soon. Seriously. Just be fine with however hard or far you go, and you'll be fine. You're a really good runner. You just started, like, a month ago, right? And you can already run three miles without stopping, no matter how fast you're going! The more you compare yourself to everyone else, the worse it will be. You're really good."

I still don't know, though. My mind is weird. I'm kind of sort of afraid to be happy and I don't understand why.

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