Aqua Teen Hunger Force Fan Script!Mature

A homoerotic fanfic involving Carl and 5 separate meats of his choice.
I do not own the rights to Aqua Teen Hunger Force, its alternate names, or any of the characters therein. This is purely fanfiction based solely on the already-trademarked work.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Fan Script!


Premise: Frylock goes all out to prove his point to his naysayers on the message boards. This entails getting Meatwad and Shake to play certain video games and recording the results.


Interior, Frylock’s bedroom. Frylock is fuming as he argues with the illiterate trolls that occupy Lieber  Fever forums. He’s muttering his animosity as he types it out.


Frylock: …I am in no way interested with the future of any publisher, despite what Weinertroll69 suggested. My concern pertains to the observation that a video game could have inspired that man to molest those sixty-seven newborn puppies. Even if such an action is possible in PLB 4, I believe that this similarity to the molestation event is coincidental, not correlative.


A brief glimpse of the screen demonstrates how little his forum audience cares for his cause. Responses are along the theme of ‘He types pretty quick for a guy that molests newborn puppies’ and ‘SS or it didn’t happen’ and ‘Who want cyber A/S/L?”


Frylock: Fine, internet, you want proof, I’ll show you proof! Not only will I prove that nothing about the game encourages real-life puppy molestation, I’ll show that it can actually correct deviant behavior!


Cut to Frylock approaching Shake and Meatwad as they watch TV.


Frylock: Shake, you are never allowed to play this video game.


Shake: Gimme! (snatches it from Frylock’s fries.) Meatwad, put it on channel 4, I need to… wait a minute, this is exactly like that time you told me I couldn’t convert to Islam, so I did, and then you told that reporter that you told her so as that Boy Scout troop tried to earn their ‘burn a godless heathen at stake’ merit badge.


Frylock: (intent on distracting Shake from his reluctance) I mean it, Shake, you can’t go slaughtering the little ponies in this game while forcing Meatwad to watch.


Meatwad: He doin’ what to my Bronies?!


Shake: Meatwad! (obviously determined to play the game) Stay right where you are, it’s time for a very special episode of that fruity little horse show.


Meatwad: Camaraderie is Supernatural!


Shake: That’s right! And this episode is all about how Puritans handle supernatural stuff!


Throughout this episode, arbitrarily the camera will zoom out and have the words ‘Finish Him!’ appear above the characters’ heads as a Disembodied Voice reads them off, all in the style of Mortal Kombat. Shake, most often, will then say something incredibly stupid and/or offensive, and Disembodied Voice will finish the round with ‘Non-sequiterality!’ or ‘Misogynality’ etc. etc.


Shake enters the character creation screen.


Meatwad: Look at that, they gotchoo playin’ God in this game!


Shake: It’s not play for me, Meatwad. I am a just and righteous god, one that is very UNplayfully intolerant of the gays.


Meatwad: But you da one dat made da gays da way dey are.


Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

(All three Aqua Teens notice the voice, but only Frylock seems to thinks it’s out of place)

Shake: That doesn’t mean I have to love ‘em! I’m God, I make the rules here! Besides, I didn’t make ‘em that way, the MMR vaccine did.

Disembodied Voice: Homophobiality!


Meatwad: How you gonna make yo man look?


Shake: He will be tall, dark, and foreboding. And that’s why he was selected as a first-round NBA draft pick. Also, he’s a hardass.

Shake’s character is stretched ridiculously thin as he turns the height up to its maximum.


Meatwad: Dat’s good. Remember dat for da backstory.


Shake: YOU remember that for the backstory. I’m creating here. And, let’s see… weight? Crank that baby up, cuz all the first-rounders are usin’ ‘roids. It’s the only way to stay relevant! Especially for hardasses.

Now that his weight matches his height, the character seems somewhat rectangular, though the unnatural proportions have driven his legs out of frame and made his arms obscured by his torso, with only his hands poking out of the sides.


Meatwad: What color you gonna make his eyes? I think dey should be blue, ‘cause no one know what it like to be da bad man, to be da sad man behind blue eyes. And I wanna know what it like.


Shake: No, shutup, they’re going to be all white. Tall, dark, and foreboding hardassery, remember? Just like the Batman, you won’t see anything but the whites.


Meatwad: Like Ron Jeremy, too, when he shootin’ da money shot.


Shake: Exactly. Unfortunately, I’m having trouble making those pupils go away…


Meatwad: Yeah, those black dots need ta go.


Shake: Here, I’ll just hide them in the corner so that they blend in with the outlines.

The pupils in Shake’s characters eyes are pushed inwards to their limit, effectively making the character as cross-eyed as he can possibly be.


Shake: There we go, now he’s lookin’ like an avatar of epitomic hardass…ness.


Meatwad: They want you ta make a facial expression next. Dat don’t seem right, he gonna walk around all day wit da same look on his face? Nobody rolls dat way.


Shake: Don’t criticize things that are beyond your tiny comprehension, Meatwad! This man, this… DEMIGOD’s jaw always hangs open in a look of disgust, a testament to his superiority over the insects that scurry all around him. Insects he must constantly resist the urge to crush with his diamond-hard ass.

Shake alters his character’s mouth so that the jaw hangs open in classic mouth-breather manner, complete with chapped lips pushed out to expose too-red inner portions.


Shake: Let’s see, lose the hair, because hair cannot sprout from so hardened an ass. Skin color? Naturally, he’ll be as albino as Powder after spending a winter in Siberia…


Meatwad: Don’t dat take da dark outta tall, dark, and foreboding?


Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

Shake: (losing patience) Meatwad, I’ve had enough of the swine questioning pearls today. Dracula’s dark, yet Dracula’s whiter than Fox News during their daily Klan rally.

Disembodied Voice: Based-on-a-True-Storality!


Meatwad: A lot o’ dat darkness come from Dracula’s clothes, though. Where yo man’s clothes?


Shake: (patience depleted) Clothes are for people with shame, Meatwad, and if there’s one thing we’ve never once had, it’s shame!


Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

Meatwad: I thought it was for covering they shame, and those da kind of shame dat we never once had.

Disembodied Voice : Anatomic-Factuality!

Meatwad is visibly delighted by the idea that Disembodied Voice does the announcer thing for him too.


Shake: … The only clothes he’ll wear are a pink hat and the essential yellow gloves.

Being white, roughly cylindrical, and sporting armless yellow hands, the character resembles a cross-eyed, mouth-breathing Shake.


Frylock: Make sure to pay attention to the exposition, it’s very important.


Shake: Yeah Meatwad, pay attention the exhibition.


Meatwad: Exhibition? Ain’t that what they called the pay-per-view wrestlin’ match where dat Justin Bieber lady got beat by da donkey?


Frylock: No Meatwad, that wasn’t a wrestlin’ match. That was a donkey show.


Shake: No, Frylock, and also no to you Meatwad. That was supposed to be an exhibition, but Bieber got dominated by that donkey. That’s what we call a fix. She probably wasn’t even a real lesbian.


Meatwad: We should get our money back.


Shake: You mean we should get Carl’s money back. But we never will, because Carl got what he wanted outta that show.


Meatwad: He got what he wanted, then he squirted it all over da TV.


Frylock: (frustrated) You’re missing the game.


Petty Larceny Ballpoint introduction:


Voiceover Marlon Brando-esue, music Godfathery.


Narrator: Since its advent, the ballpoint pen has been coveted; its ease of manufacture, universal availability, and inexpensiveness has defied any logic regarding why people seem to go to such lengths to steal the damn things. Gas station attendants have taped tacky faux flowers to them, banks have anchored them to countertops with reinforced titanium cord, and accountants have added custom wording that assures would-be thieves that it has been inserted in every AIDS-ridden orifice on their body. Nothing deters these pens inevitable theft.

Today, you will know why. You will become the legs by which these pens walk away. Today, you commit Petty Larceny Ballpoint. Over and over again, until I say ‘when.’


Meatwad: You know, the premise of this game is pretty contrived. The Petty Larceny part is clever enough, but even for satire, the Ballpoint just comes across as trite.


Shake: The triteness is key, ‘cause ballpoints are at the opposite end of cars on the value scale. Anyway, It’s time to find and kill some ponies! Preferably your little ponies.


Meatwad: I don’t see no ponies.


Shake: That’s ‘cause I’m still in the subway station. I need to make the cash to get into the petting zoo first.


Meatwad: How you gonna do that?


Shake: Any number of ways, but let’s choose the easiest first. My character is the hardest ass to ever ass hardily. I’m going to go over there and demand that guy’s lunch money.


Meatwad: What ya think that arrow pointin’ up da stairs mean? Don’t dat say ‘next objective’ above it?


Shake: That’s just decoration, Meatwad, the obvious focus is that subway tunnel. That’s where all the dealers peddle and that’s where the real money is. Soon as I snag this nerd’s lunch money, that’s where I’m goin’.


Meatwad: Whatcha gonna deal, marijuana?


Shake: Cannabis? Please, that’s so boring. Everybody’s already doin’ it. We gonna be white dragon breeders.


Meatwad: Heroin? But pot’s the gateway drug. Most people look through that doorway and decide it’s best to hang out where they at.


Shake: But the price per unit is abysmal, comparatively.


Meatwad: Not like you ever get da MSRP on Heroin, dose guys can’t pay it. That’s why it always ends in a shootout.


Shake: Shut up! I’m dealin’ heroin and that’s final. Right after I make an example of this do-gooder.


Shake’s ridiculous avatar approaches a tattooed skinhead. A dialog window appears with several greeting options.

Meatwad: It don’t say nothin’ ‘bout lunch money in any o’ those.


Shake: Yeah I think we gotta start with idle chatter and determine whether he does or does not in fact have lunch money. Let’s go wit da milk one, that seems innocent enough.


Shake highlights the ‘Did your boyfriend give ya that milky moustache, or has momma not got around to weenin’ ya off her titty yet?’ option and confirms.

Thug: Sucka, you do NOT talk about my momma!


Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

The character pulls out a shotgun and splatters Shake’s avatar’s face.

Disembodied Voice: Justifiable Manslaughterality!


Shake and Meatwad stare open-mouthed and wide-eyed at the screen.

Shake: How unreasonable!


Meatwad; That boy done capped yo hard ass!


Shake: I mean, questions don’t get more innocent than that!


Meatwad: His ass so hard that your hard ass got brained just by lookin’ at it.


The game resets the setting, returning Shake’s abomination to its starting position.

Shake: That must be the final boss. I bet the game loops back to the beginning at the end, that makes it poetic. It’s also there to slow me down when I get ahead of the game and get the idea to deal Heroin before they wanted me to.


Meatwad: So what now, you gonna give in and take da long way around?


Shake: Hell no! They’ll reward me for thinkin’ ahead of the system eventually, so I’m gonna keep doin’ it. I’ll sneak up on him and then bolt for the tunnel when he notices me.


As Meatwad talks, he lowers his voice to a whisper.

Meatwad: A stealth test, we best keep quiet.

Both of them stare wide-eyed and tense at the screen as Shake taps the joystick in a manner that brings his character one baby step towards the thug every several seconds. Meanwhile, the game begins prompting Shake to make his way to the stairwell, reminding him that Petty Larceny Ballpoint is about stealing pens, and that the vast majority of pens are topside.


Eventually, another bystander’s eyes undergo a blinking animation, prompting Meatwad and Shake to panic and thrash about as Shake runs his character full-tilt towards the track. Naturally, the lack of action from every single character in the subway station indicates that Shake’s character is in absolutely no danger of being killed again.

Meatwad: Go, go! He gonna make a slug ricochet all through dat hard ass!


Shake: I’m running serpentine, you damn robot! Pick up on what I input before I have to scrap you…


Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

Shake’s character topples off the edge of the platform, but before he can even hit the ground, a train pulls through and sends chunks of him bouncing about the subway station.

Disembodied Voice: The-9:15-to-5th-avenue-ality!


Again, both Meatwad and Shake stare in horror.

Meatwad: Dang, who coulda seen that comin’?


Shake glances at the clock on the Aqua Teens’ wall.

Shake: What?! The 9:15 to 5th avenue?! It’s 3:45, that train’s either 6 hours early or 6 hours late! Where’s a pay phone, I’m callin’ that conductor’s supervisor!


After resetting, Shake’s character approaches a payphone on the wall and picks it up. A dialog box appears, informing shake that he has absolutely no change with which to make a call.


Meatwad: Ah, dang, you don’t got money to call municipal yet.


Shake: I knew I was broke, but I didn’t know I was that broke. What’s the quickest way to make fifty cents, ya think?


Meatwad: You could try dealin’ heroin down in da Subway tunnels.


Shake: Brilliant, let’s get started.


Meatwad: Watch out for dat one dude, he hardcore. Not so fast, not so fast!


Shake: I can’t slow down now, he’s bound to have noticed me! I just gotta make a break for the tunnel and hope for the best! Just you wait, conductor of the 9:15 to 5th avenue, I haven’t forgotten about you!


Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

Shake’s character runs off the platform again and is instantly liquefied by the exact same train.

Disembodied Voice: The-9:15-to-5th-avenue-ality


A message appears informing Shake that this will happen every time he enters the tunnel; the game doesn’t have the mazelike catacombs that Shake’s imagining himself dealing in. The train is supposed to deter anyone who wants to enter the tunnel.


Meatwad: Dang, who coulda seen that comin’?


Shake: Again?! (glances at the wall clock) It’s been one minute and he’s already 6 hours early or late again! I didn’t think you could even make the rotation that fast!


Meatwad: He probably not even stoppin’.


Shake: Typical. Leave it to the city to hire the one guy that can’t handle the world’s easiest job.


Meatwad: Maybe he just know you tryin’ to get money to call his supervisor.


Shake: (gasps) That’s it! Well, conductor of the 9:15 to 5th avenue: of course you know, this means war.


Flash forward three hours. Shake’s character is in a virtual pawn shop, with a dialog box above his head assuring him that there are no pens to be had here and that he should probably just leave.


Shake: Alright this time I’ll leave the Conway Twitty 8-track. That must be his prized possession, if he capped me for takin’ it.


Meatwad: It could be da baseball bat.


Shake: Let’s hope not, ‘cause this baseball bat is my one and only hope.


Meatwad: It’s just a baseball bat, I don’t see…


Shake: There has not once been a problem throughout history that couldn’t be solved with a baseball bat, Meatwad! Now shut up and distract the cashier, just like I told you.


Meatwad: I don’t know if he can see or hear me, Shake.


            Shake: Just do it, hurry!


            Meatwad: Hey, if you’re gay, I bet you’d be lookin’ at dat white hard ass oe’er der. The only way you ain’t gay is if you don’t look at it at all, ever. If you ain’t gay you gonna turn around and count to sixty, whatever that is.


            Shake’s character bolts towards the door, baseball bat still in hand. The cashier pulls a pistol from under the counter and shoots it at him, but Shake’s character jumps to avoid it .

            Meatwad: (gasp) Look at that, you done it boy!


            Shake: Yeah, I was gonna do that last time but Conway’s iron balls were weighin’ me down. Alright, I got the baseball bat, now it’s time to move on to phase 2 of Operation Vengeance.


Shake’s character has moved on to whacking an infant with his new baseball bat. Every time he hits the baby, it’s sent flying against a nearby wall, where either a horrifying and heartbreaking wail of pain lets loose, or an unconvincing adult imitation of a baby cry. Each time the baby hits the wall, it bounces back to where Shake’s character can hit the baby again

Each time the bat makes contact with the baby, a $.50 symbol rises from the point of impact, similar to the phenomenon that occurs when a player repeatedly jumps on a Koopa shell in Mario Bros. to gain 1ups

An old woman stands nearby, presumably watching this endless affair.


Frylock: Why don’t you hit the old lady, seems like she might be worth more, doesn’t it?


Shake: Oh, I know for a FACT she’s worth more, Frylock. Why, you ask? It’s because old ladies fight back.


Meatwad: And die hard.


Shake: Yeah, and they die hard.


Meatwad: With a vengeance. Starring Bruce Willis.


Shake: (laughs) If he’s involved, she probably Dies Hard: With an Erection.


Meatwad: When it comes to Bruce Willis, it doesn’t matter what kind of lady you are: Old, Young, or not no lady at all, you Die Hard: With an Erection.


Shake: Yeah, like all those not-ladies that Carl keeps bringing home by accident.


Frylock: Look, all I’m saying is that it seems like you might be able to find a more lucrative way to spend your time if you look around a little.


Shake: Frylock, for the past nine hours, I’ve been making one QPS hitting this baby.


Frylock: QPS?


Shake: (exasperated and with a roll of his eyes) Quarters-per-second, you n-double-zero-b. Think about it, that’s more than we were making at Slurp-a-lunch.


Frylock’s eyes widen, and we zoom in through one of them to enter an inner-monologue. The visual will be the drawing out of the long-division Frylock is doing in his head as he compares the ‘occupations,’ and then moves on to his recollection of Shake’s death in the Video Ouijia episode.


Frylock: Assuming a too-generous hourly wage of $10-an-hour, the average cashier at Slurp-a-lunch was making approximately 16.7 cents a minute. Shake’s absolutely right, he’s making far more than that per second, even if it is virtual currency. The real value of this reality is that this is coming from the person who thought that math was some sort of voodoo that can bring people back from the dead. Video games expanded his cognitive capacity beyond previous assumptions, the proof is beginning to pan out!


Meatwad: Whoa, what happenin’ here?


Disembodied voice: A challenger approaches!


The voice continues to describe a scenario in which the player needs a pen to progress. The character’s grandfather has purportedly died, and left his estate to whichever of his next of kin signs for it first. The game explains that Shake’s character’s cousin, an identical avatar save for a red bow-ribbon on its hat, slowly approaches the document she needs to sign. Dialogue boxes appear, provoking Shake for his ignorance of the purpose of the game thus far.


Shake: (Distraught) Grampy’s gone?


Meatwad: Looks like it. Look, Cousin TrimQuik closin’ in on his will n’ testament.


Shake: Let her have it, she’d put it to better use. (this prompts a dialogue box to appear with only ‘WTF?!’ inside of it) Did they tell us when the service is? Do they need help preparing? I’m sure the virtual shelter would forgive me if I didn’t volunteer that day.


The dialogue box changes ‘Don’t play with me. Eat her soul, take her pen, and INHERIT THOSE ASSETS!’


Meatwad: They consider you a saint down there, you can do this for Grampy.


Shake: This is heavy. I need to take a walk.


Dialogue Box: What are you doing?! Sit your ass back down! At least pause before you go!


Shake steps out for a walk after getting the ‘news’ that his ‘grandfather’ has died. An attractive woman that happens to be walking by their house stops and gasps, watching Shake approach the curb; this may be the first time in the series (outside of Africa) that someone is shocked to see a talking milkshake


Shake: I just don’t understand it, he was so healthy last time I saw him.


Attractive Lady: What are you?!


Shake: Look, ma’am, normally I’d have an insensitive-and-geniusly-idiotic rejoinder for you, but I just found out that my grandfather passed on.


Attractive Lady: (gasps, covers mouth with both hands) Oh, I’m so sorry, you poor… (pausing to decide what word to use) thing. What happened?


Shake: I don’t know. I do have a theory, though. Walk with me?


Attractive Lady: (empathetic and repentant) Of course, tell me all about it.


Frylock comes to the window and is shocked to find Shake talking to a woman and hasn’t yet caused her to flee his presence.

Shake: I’m not too proud to admit it, but he was somewhat promiscuous. One of his regular callers was Kelis.


Attractive Lady: Oh, the girl whose milkshake (upon saying the word, she understands what Shake is) is better than all of ours! She was talking about your grandpa, wasn’t she?


Shake: Yes. Unfortunately, I think Daniel Day-Lewis caught on.


Attractive Lady: (hits open palm with other fist in realization) He drank her milkshake!


Shake: (nodding sagely) Yes. There are two things that Daniel Day-Lewis is known for doing: drinking people’s milkshakes, and murdering people with bowling pins. I think my grandpa was a victim of a double Day-Lewising.


Attractive Lady: Do you think you can prove it to the police?


Shake: Hollywood’s far away, and the trail’s probably already cold. Besides, Day Lewis is a noble beast, I could hardly prosecute him for simply practicing his majesty.

Shake and the attractive lady walk off frame.


Frylock: So what’re you trying to do right now, Meatwad?


Meatwad: (playing on his portable Game Boy-type device) Catch Herpes.


Frylock: Herpes?!


Meatwad. Yeah. He da Greek messenger god.


Frylock: Oh, you mean Hermes.


Meatwad: (disgusted) Herm- Frylock, that’s disgusting, would you please grow up? Dis is Herpes, look: he got da signature winged helmet, winged shoes, and he got all dem sores right der on his pelvis.


Meatwad taps the screen over the pixilated junk of the digital representation of Hermes. It would appear that Hermes has Herpes.

Frylock: Oh, what do you know, that is Herpes. So what happens after you catch Herpes, Meatwad?


Meatwad: Easy. Once you catch Herpes, you gotta give Herpes to all dem elementary school kids over der.


Frylock: Wow, that’s quite the quest. Give me a call when you catch Herpes, alright? In the meantime, I need to follow Shake….


Carl bursts into the house, a sleeve of lunchmeat in one hand and a flashlight in the other.



Meatwad: (looking up from video game) Wha’s wrong, Carl?


Carl: These instructions for da homemade pocket-pussy say ta nuke da lunchmeat for five minutes, but I’ve had t’ree microwaves blow up thirty seconds in! And look, it says da lunchmeat is supposed to stay pleasantly warm for as long as a corpse does, but this corpse looks like a Napalm victim!

Carl holds up a piece of charred lunchmeat.


Frylock observes quietly, camera, pen, and notepad in hand.


Meatwad: Dang. Maybe you oughtta buy da brand name.


Carl: Dey run $43.97. DAT AIN’T ECANOMICAL! (Implying blown-up microwaves are)


Meatwad: Alright, alright, let me see da instructions.


Meatwad quickly peruses the instructions and finds the line that states the lunchmeat should be defrosted on the lowest setting for five minutes if frozen, two if thawed, and the disclaimer in bold letters stating to do this BEFORE PUTTING LUNCHMEAT INTO FLASHLIGHT. He mumbles this aloud as Carl stares at him blankly.

Meatwad: Ok Carl, gimme a fresh piece of lunchmeat.


Carl: Here, use t’ree.


Meatwad looks at the small flashlight Carl is holding as he accepts the slices.

Meatwad: You sure you don’t wanna use a Maglite fer dis?


Carl: Nah, trust me dis- (ashamed and disappointed frown) dis one’s plenty big.


Meatwad: Alright Carl, dis is it, da meat’s in da oven and you need ta be ready for it when it comes out.


Carl: You’re right, good call.

Carl drops his sweatpants. His genitals are covered by a black CENSORED box.


Meatwad: Close your eyes, Carl. Picture Sarah Jessica Parker.


Carl: I need him chubby here, little man, and yer starving da lizard.


Meatwad: Let me finish, Carl. Don’t picture her face, just the rest of her.


Carl: There we go, dat’s much betta.


Meatwad: Now picture Sarah Jessica Parker going down collarbone-deep on da big woman from da Drew Carey show.


Carl: Suddenly this became da hottest thing I eva seen.


Meatwad: Now Mimi see you, but she in too much ecstasy to warn Sarah. You sneakin’ up behind her as she strugglin’ ta pull her head outta der – she suffocatin’, see? Like she stuck inside a plastic bag.


Carl: Oh God, look out below, der.

A few droplets of CENSORED box drip down from the tip of the one obscuring Carl’s genitals, narrowly missing Meatwad on their path to the ground. The beeper on the microwave signifies the meat is done, which Meatwad pulls out, rolls up, and gingerly inserts into the empty flashlight handle.


Meatwad: Her heinie be in da air now, like a putty tat waitin’ ta pounce. Or, ya know, like Sarah Jessica have her head and neck stuck in Mimi hole. You position yourself just right and…

With a grunt, Meatwad jumps up and swings the homemade Fleslight’s™ open end into Carl’s censored privates.

The screen zooms out for a Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

Meatwad: …thrust mightily. She inhales deeply from surprise and pure pleasure, and seein’ as she still trapped in a beava balloon, that breath was her final one, Carl.


Carl: How ya like MY narrative dick-tation, Carrie?!

As Carl shouts, his eyes roll back into his head, emulating the situation Meatwad and Shake were talking about in the ‘Ron Jeremy white eyes’ example earlier.

Disembodied Voice: Money-shot-ality! (…Sort of).


Flaccidity causes the Fleshlight™ to fall off and to the ground, forcing Meatwad to jump back in order to avoid it. Frylock closes his eyes in a grimace of disgust, but quickly opens them and scribbles furiously on his notepad.

Meatwad: Wow, you done already?


Carl: (exhausted) Y’know, now dat she dead and I thinking about it, that Sarah Jessica really was a beautiful woman.


Meatwad: Everyone always thought so, Carl, it’s just not fashionable to admit it.


Carl: After a nap, I think I’ll bring flowers to her tombstone…

Carl walks out of the house, sweatpants still around his ankles, and ignorantly proceeds towards his house as a school bus makes a routine stop across the street. 


Carl: (growing softer as he walks away) I mean, she wasn’t perfect like all dem other pone stars, but dat’s what made her so special. It made her seem real…


Meatwad: (voice raised to be heard from inside) Remember to change da meat out before ya use it again!


Carl: C’mon, I don’t need ta do that every time, I’d be goin’ broke just on lunchmeat. You wanna volunteer to let me tear chunks o’ you off and use dem instead?


Cut to Frylock at his computer.

Frylock: (dictating as he types) In summation, I believe that I have proved beyond any doubt that video games drastically enhanced both my roommates’ cognitive functions. It cannot be considered coincidence…


Shake approaches Frylock with a homemade Fleshlight™ taped to the lower portion of his cup. Bits of charred lunchmeat are pinched between the cup and flashlight plastic.

Shake: Frylock, there’s something wrong with the microwave, ‘cause I followed the directions precisely, but this meat is too hot.

Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

Shake: It’s even hotter than that Justin Bieber chick, and that’s way too hot to handle!

Disembodied Voice: Homosexuality!

Shake angrily swats at the word before it disappears. Frylock smiles smugly.


Frylock: I’ll, uh, inspect it in a minute.


Shake: Oh, great. In the meantime, my ‘tang here will grow old, cold, and dry, dying unfulfilled because her man couldn’t full-fill her when she was ready!


Disembodied Voice: Finish Him!

Shake: And as you should well know by now, Frylock, I can’t get off unless she does! I was born to find my better half in this woman and marry her in a church of the one true God, after which we would grow old together while mutually nourishing and loving one another!

Disembodied Voice: Heterosexuality!

Shake: (insulted, obviously reacting to Disembodied Voice) Would you shut the Hell up?! You know damn well that straight people are the source of all evil in this world, and I refuse to be labeled as one of them. I will NEVER live that lifestyle!


Frylock cocks a questioning eyebrow as Shake waddles out of the room in righteous anger.

Frylock: …as proven by the fact that Shake’s abilities disappeared exactly 24 hours after he last played Petty Larceny Ballpoint.


Flashback to Shake and his temporary girlfriend in her bedroom. She’s undressed on the bed and holding Shake’s hand. Shake has an enormous condom over his straw. Frylock watches from outside the window, with a camera, pen, and notepad in fries)


Girlfriend: Oh Shake, I love you.


Shake: I love you too. And after we make love…

The clock ticks off the last minute comprising the 24 hours since Shake put down the controller. Shake’s expression transforms from ‘seductive’ to ‘blank surprise’ as a transformation occurs.


Disembodied Voice: Finish Her!

Being a normal person hearing it for the first time, the woman gasps at Disembodied Voice.

Shake: (Irrationally angry) …you will have legally become my property. And your first order of servitude will be to make me a seven-course breakfast. And if another man so much as LOOKS at you, rest assured that nobody will see you again until the neighbors perform routine service on their septic tank!

Disembodied Voice: Misogynality!


Horrified and heartbroken, the girlfriend sends Shake flying across the room with a single punch.


Shake: Ow! What?! Your skeleton should make maintenance necessary years before however long you’re probably thinkin’! Ow!


Girlfriend (probably ex-girlfriend) leaps at Shake and pummels him mercilessly, bawling uncontrollably. Frylock has watched the incident wide-eyed since before Shake even spoke, and begins notating the spectacle on his notepad.


Cut back to Frylock typing at his computer.

Frylock: In summation, even the most controversial video game on the market improved his abilities in such a way that he could not only differentiate right from wrong, he naturally began to change his behavior towards a healthier lifestyle than his previous TV-centric one.


Immediately after posting his findings to the message boards, several responses appear illogically disqualifying his entire experiment and his need to conduct it in the first place. Responses like ‘LOL, you were axually dum enuff to do all tat?’ and ‘nice job omitting all the puppy molestation your roommates did. All PLB did was give them the skills necessary to hide it from you.’


Frylock: That does it. You want to see how video games augment a person’s ability to commit crime? I’LL SHOW YOU EXACTLY HOW GOOD THEY’VE MADE ME AT CRIME!

            Frylock goes on a vengeful spree against the people behind the names of the Lieber Fever forums.


Disembodied Voice: Fatality!

Frylock violently explodes a forum opponent with his laser eyes.


Disembodied Voice: Babeality!

Frylock whacks Carl (who is inexplicably wearing an enormous baby diaper and bonnet while standing on his front walk, and also has the name of another forum opponent above his head) with a baseball bat, prompting a + $0.50 to rise above his head in addition to the normal effects one might experience after being struck in such a way.


Disembodied Voice: Animality! (Wait… shouldn’t that one be bestiality?)

Frylock unleashes a donkey in wrestling getup onto a Justin Bieber look-alike, one that bears the screen name of one of Frylock’s forum opponents above his head.


Disembodied Voice: Friendship! (Without benefits)

Frylock’s woman friend (also a forum poster/former enemy), who he has his fry around in a standard picture pose, slaps at his fry as he reaches for her breast.




Dancing is Forbidden.

The End

15 comments about this story Feed