This is really just the life of a teenage girl. She's in love with one of her teachers and doesn't have a great family life. I'm not quite sure where it's going to lead to yet, it just kinda fell out of me one day.
Will be wanting lots of advice on this one people. =)
Anne – June
Another new teacher. I don’t believe for an instant that he’s going to be better than the last one. But still we stand behind out desks under the watchful eye of our head teacher awaiting his arrival.
For starters he’s late, that’s never a good sign on the first day. It means he’s going to be disorganised and forgetful, not the best qualities for a teacher. He’s probably old and he’ll never remember our names and eventually he’ll lose control of the class and leave, just like the last 3 teachers.
Finally he turns up, looking a little flustered, I wonder if he might be different after all. He’s young, no more than 26, so he might be a bit more laid back than some of the older teachers. He has a mop of slightly ruffled, dark brown hair and incredible brown eyes. He even has a small moustache which, though it suits him, looks a little comical. He’s quite tall too, not particularly muscular but not weedy. All in all, I think he’s rather good looking, for a teacher.
He spends about 5 minutes talking to the Head, making sure everything’s in order and that he has all the lesson plans for that week etc. Then he’s left to us. He looks almost relieved as Mr Talbot leaves; he tells us to sit down, loosens his tie a little then starts taking names. He says that it would make life easier for him if we raise a hand when he calls our name. As mine is called I raise it at a deliberate angle so my shirt stretches across my breasts, I'm a natural flirt, I can’t help it. I want to see if he would take any interest, and I’m sure his eyes linger a little longer on me than they had on the other students.
Bella flicks me a note. “He looks a bit wet doesn’t he!” She’s right. He does look like a rabbit in headlights. “Yes, he looks terrified, poor lamb” we both giggle. These lessons might be more interesting.
He takes a minute to write down where we’re all sat so that he can look at us and have some clue what our names are. Wait till he finds out that we move every lesson. Then he starts talking, and that’s when any interest that was in the room leaves. It’s not that he has a boring voice, it’s really quite nice, it’s just that we’re studying the history of English literature. And it sucks. When I try I can pay attention to his voice. It’s quite deep and sounds very gentle, like the sound of a wave far out to sea. I let his voice wash over me for a while, the more I listen the more I like it.
I flick a note across the room to Bella, “So, what do you think of the new meat”. She simply says “he might be a bit more interesting than the other teachers, but that nothing will ever make me enjoy literature.” Typical Bella. She hasn’t even noticed his looks, not like I have, he might not be Casanova, but he’s really quite cute. I flick it back again, looking for a reaction, “don’t you think his moustache makes him look funny?” she shoots me a look that tells me what she’s going to reply, clearly bored of everything, including this conversation. “Anne, I think it’s a moustache, why are you so bothered?” No interest there then. It’s strange how she has this talent of writing so you know she’s annoyed. “Fine, I won’t talk. Have fun with your solitude” I poke my tongue out at her across the class. It makes her laugh at least. I think about sending her another note asking if she thinks he’s cute, but I know what the answer will be. She’s far too serious sometimes.
The lesson isn’t particularly interesting, but then plays and Shakespeare never are, it’s all old English and boring stuff and I can never focus. This time however, I have something interesting to focus on. He moves with a smooth elegance that I have rarely seen; when he reaches to write on the board his shirt pulls against his arms, showing off muscle that I hadn’t been able to see before. The whole lesson I keep a close watch on him, I don’t know if he’s noticed that I’m not really watching the lesson, perhaps he’s just happy that someone is at least pretending to paying attention. But one thing I know for sure was that I am going to be watching him much closer than any other teacher. I wonder if perhaps he will watch me too.
“Bella! Bella wait up!” Why does that girl walk so fast! Is French really so much fun that she wants to be there early?!
“I wouldn’t have to wait if you hadn’t lagged behind to stare at Mr Blake”
“I wasn’t staring Bella, I was...observing, huge difference. You know me; I have to size up the new meat.” Besides, this is hot meat!
“He isn’t meat! He’s a person.” She laughs “you should get a goal in life that isn’t trying to mentally scar all the new teachers Anne, you scare them away!”
I give her a good nudge in the side. She does the same back. We bang into some first years who get all annoyed and start yelling down the corridor. It’s just a laugh.
“I don’t scare them away!” I giggle “I just enjoy making them squirm is all. Nothing like squirming new meat to keep things interesting!”
“Anne you’re freakish”
“I know” I smile; Bella is just the best person ever. I think she’s possibly the only person in the world who could call someone freakish and mean it as a compliment.
Another lesson. It’s terribly hot today so he’s told us that if we don’t tell Mr Talbot we can take off our ties. It’s such a relief. I never wear mine tight to the neck anyway, but it’s nice to have it off. With no tie you can see the curve of my breasts where my shirt isn’t done all the way up, and just poking through the cotton, a hint of red satin. As I fan myself with a notebook I wonder if he’s noticed me, the smooth of my skin, the colour of my bra. I lean back to show it off even more, and as he glances over me I wink at him. He goes a slight shade of red and turns back to the board. I smile to myself, now I know that he thinks I'm attractive, even if it’s just a little bit. I do love flirting with him. It’s not really serious, just something to pass the time. And it is so funny.
“Anne, if you make one comment about the fact that you just made him blush, I might just hit you.” Typical Bella, at least she thinks I’m just playing games with him. She doesn’t need to know that I think he’s kinda cute.
“But did you see how easy it was!” She won’t be interested, but I like to wind her up too.
“When you expose that much of your chest to a young male, and then wink, they’re not going to be standing up for a while. It’s any guy. Not just him.”
“So, you don’t think he thinks I’m cute?”
“Anne!!” Woops, might have been overkill. “Do you want him to? He’s a teacher, you’re a student. It would be perverted. Stop thinking about it and makes notes on the lesson!” It’s just fun. For now. But he is a little bit gorgeous.
Today’s area of study is Macbeth, yet another pointless boring play written by some dead guy. Still, it could be worse, at least in this lesson I can flirt like crazy. It’s a huge past time of mine. Little glances; playing with my hair; chewing on the end of a pen. Signals sent out to a guy that tell him, I'm interested. From the way he looks back at me I’d guess that he knows what I'm saying to him, but he won’t, or can’t do anything about it. I suppose its mean really, he is a teacher after all, but it’s a great way to pass time in boring lessons. So, as this is the most boring, there will be most flirting.
As lessons go on I decide to make him notice me, I work extra hard to finish my work quickly and do it well. I want every minute I can get of his attention and because the rest of the class are so uninterested I get it, and I love it. He praises me for things I do, and it feels good. Even Bella doesn’t get this kind of praise, when she’s the ‘geeky’ one. I think it annoys her a little. Everyone else thinks I'm sucking up to him or something, which I guess in a way I am, but it doesn’t bother me. I love that he smiles at me when I take him a piece of work...mostly because I love his smile. It’s crazy I know. But, he is good looking, and he’s really smart. I wouldn’t ever go there, I wouldn’t do anything stupid. There’s just something about that smile.
Bella thinks I’ve gone totally mad, she goes on and on at me about how I never pay any attention, she won’t stop pestering me.
“What’s changed Anne? You never do any work in English, or really in most other subjects. You just use my notes, and some of your own, and scrape through everything. Why are you bothering in the most boring and useless lesson we have?”
I laugh at her, “Bella, hun, the only reason I'm doing any of this is ‘cause my dad says he’ll give me £50 if I pass this subject, that’s all.” It’s not a total lie. Dad did say he would reward me for passing, but I'm thinking I might just get a different kind of reward this time. The kind that a dad can’t give.
More summer days. I’ve decided that it’s just too hot for trousers, so the skirts are going to come out of the back of the wardrobe. But, even wearing clothes isn’t simple in my house. Just as I’m walking out the door it’s:
“Anne, you can’t possibly think you’re wearing that to school” My mother.
She doesn’t understand. “Mum, this is one of my favourite skirts. It’s even to uniform regulations, what’s your problem with it?” She always nags at me to wear tights with it because its ‘indecent’, I can just take them off when I get to school but it’s a lot of hassle. What good is wearing a short skirt if you then cover up your legs?
“We have this conversation every time Anne, just go and put some tights on, and do your shirt up properly!” I’ve secretly taken my shirts in a little so they show off my cleavage a little more. Hopefully with leg and boob on show he will notice me even more. “Bye mum!” He might start to look at me in a different light. I don’t know if I really want him to, it’s just, nice to be noticed by a real man. I think.
Every day I meet Bella on the walk to school. We gossip and have a general giggle. Just like girls do. She notices that I look a little different. Just like my mother, she is dubious. “Anne, isn’t that skirt just a tad on the short side now? I mean, if you sit down someone might just get a flash of something they really didn’t want to see.” I know she’s looking out for me, but she can be a pain.
“Ok mum, if it bothers you so much I’ll go home and change!” That gets her laughing, which sets me off. We must look like crazy people walking down the road laughing our heads off.
“Just promise me if Dan starts trying it on you’ll slap him ok?” she didn’t need to tell me twice. Dan Hunter. Eugh. “I promise.”
It’s such a hot day. I’ve never known a summer this hot. All through Maths and French I couldn’t concentrate at all. Even though all the windows were open, and there were little fans running. Nothing helped. Bella is struggling, and that’s a sign that it’s going to be near impossible for everyone else. We can’t even enjoy lunchtime, because it’s as hot outside as it is inside. Everyone is just wandering around, trying to find somewhere that isn’t as baking. The canteen have started selling ice-cream, but that doesn’t really help. Some of the other students are having a water fight. That would be nice, but I don’t think I want to be wet for the rest of the day. Bella and I will just have to cope.
Something I can say for Mr. Blake is that he knows when nobody is listening. It’s hot in the classroom, and it’s stuffy, nobody can concentrate on anything. Even I’m finding it hard to pay attention to him. He stops talking, that makes us pay attention. “I can tell that none of you are listening to anything I'm saying, so we’re going to break the rules and go learn this outside.” Nobody moves. “Unless you want to stay in here of course” and he walks out the door. I get up and follow then, slowly, other people collect their things start to move.
It’s great outside. There is a gentle breeze that cools us all down, we lay out on the grass and he sits down with us. It’s so much more relaxed than in the classroom. He looks even better in the sunlight; it glints off his hair as it blows gently in the breeze; it shows the light tan in his skin and emphasises the depth of his eyes. I lay on my front, propped up on my elbows. I don’t even think about how much of my chest I'm showing until Bella hisses at me. “You had better put them away Anne before you give someone a heart attack!” With my shirt so open I am showing rather a lot of boob. Just before shifting my position I catch Mr. Blake’s eye, I think he noticed.
Unfortunately, someone else definitely noticed. Dan Hunter. He’s such an idiot, one of ‘The Jocks.’ He thinks that just because he’s on the football team and wears his trousers half way down his ass, that girls will fall all over themselves to get to him. Plus, there’s no subtlety in them, you can tell when they just want to screw you. It’s nothing romantic like you get in the movies, they’re like apes. They come wondering over to you, knuckles dragging on the floor and ask if you ‘wanna be their lady for a while.’ It’s like, get a life, get some maturity, and get outta my face. He gawps at me the entire rest of the lesson. If this goes on, I may not be responsible for my actions. I don’t want Chris (that’s Mr Blake’s name) to get the wrong idea about me and the guys I like.
The lesson goes quicker with us all outside. It’s a bit easier to pay attention too; it’s amazing how if you really listen it can become quite interesting. Though I think part of that is the person the information is coming out of. He has the most beautiful lips, not cracked or chapped but smooth and soft. His skin is the same, it looks like liquid silk. I long to reach out and touch him; see if he is as soft as he looks. He looks like a god with his hair blowing in the breeze and the sun shining on his face. I could spend all day just looking at him this way. Watching the way he moves, the way he raises one eyebrow ever so slightly when he asks a question. I don’t understand what’s happening, or why I keep noticing all these things about him. All I know is that he is mesmerising.
“Dear Diary, summer is still very much here, it’s getting hotter and hotter! I wish we had air conditioning in the house, all my windows are open, but it isn’t helping much. I might go write outside. I’m still not certain about this whole Mr Blake thing. I don’t want to admit to Bella, or anyone, that I find him attractive, and that I want to, perhaps, see if he thinks the same about me. But I think eventually I’m going to have to. I know how wrong it is, but somehow it’s not feeling it. I don’t really understand any of this. I wish I knew why I was feeling this way. It’s not normal at all, not for me. I’m just flirty, I never mean it. Not ever. So why do I now? I hope I figure all this out soon. Till next time!”
I decide that I want to spend more time with him, learn about how he does things, perhaps getting to know him almost as a friend. I want to know where about he lives; if he likes animals; if he lives with anyone; if he has a girlfriend. Especially if he has a girlfriend. I pretend not to understand some parts of Hamlet and let my standard of work drop a little. Not too much, just enough that he notices, just enough that it will start to make him think, maybe even make him worry.
He takes me aside after a particularly bad lesson, “is everything alright Anne?” he asks, “It’s not like to you not be working at the very top of the class. Is something going on at home or....”
“I’m just not getting it like I used to, I think I might need a little extra help.” I reply, in a really small voice so he feels bad for me, yea I'm clever.
“Well, there are lots of ways we can solve that problem. I could either set you more work, don’t cringe! It really does help.” I shake my head.
“More work that I don’t understand will be less helpful I think”
“Ok, what about extra lessons with me? I know the school has some kind of catch up system where teachers can offer extra lessons one day a week. Would that work for you?” Perfect.
“Yes, yes I think that would be great. Thank you” I can’t help but smile.
We agree that I can stay for an extra hour after school on Thursdays, so after my last lesson I spend another hour with him. It’s more than I could have hoped for, two whole hours with him and one hour with him all to myself. A whole hour with no other teachers, no other students. Just us, and Hamlet. I can’t wait to talk to him properly, not like classroom talk where all you can do is ask questions. I mean real talk, about him, about me. I can’t concentrate on any lessons for the rest of that day; I just sit and daydream the hours away. Waiting for tomorrow, waiting...
Tomorrow is the day! I know I shouldn’t be looking forward to it, at least my brain knows that. It’s an extra lesson, we don’t look forward to extra lessons. But my heart, that’s telling me something else, I think. It’s as if I can’t be without him, like I should be with him always. I know how wrong it is, but it feels right. This is so confusing. I wish someone could tell me what was going on. It might be because I’m tired, and that’s muddling my brain, but I think I might be falling for him. A teacher, isn’t that silly. I’ll sleep on it, see if I feel the same in the morning. Goodnight.”
Thursday. I can’t think of anything but him all day, even my friends have noticed that I'm acting odd. I am acting odd, the way I’m starting to feel isn’t normal. I know it. I just can’t seem to help it. “It’s ok guys I'm just not feeling great” I could never tell them that I'm longing to get to English, longing to see him. How could they understand when I don’t yet? The lesson itself goes by slower than normal. I can’t seem to pay attention to what he’s talking about, all I can do is look at him. Finally the bell goes for the end of the day. Everyone packs their stuff up and practically runs for the door, leaving us alone.
He comes and sits across the table from me; I’ve never been so close to him. I can smell his aftershave, the faint scent of amber that drifts across to me with every move he makes. “So, what is it about hamlet that has been confusing you Anne?” he sounds so concerned, like he really cares about me. I almost don’t answer him; I'm too busy looking into his eyes.
“Um, it’s the whole thing where hamlet goes a bit crazy. I don’t quite understand why.” He walks over to his desk and picks up a copy of the play. It doesn’t really matter what he says about Hamlet, just that I’m this close to him. That I can talk to him; that he agreed to see me. “So Anne, Hamlet...” this is going to be a good hour.
“And that, in short, is why Hamlet went mad.” It’s only been about 15 minutes. I need a way to stall him. “Sir, can I ask you a question?” That was silly; I don’t know what to ask!
“Sure, ask away.” Crap, crap and double crap.
“I...I was just wondering what you thought about long distance relationships, there’s this guy in America who wants us to start dating, and I dunno, it seems a bit too far...” That was lame, now he’s going to think I'm an idiot!
“You’re right, that is too far. Long distance relationships rarely work, especially at a young age. Go for it if you want to, but try not to be disappointed if it doesn’t work out. Okay?” he touches the underside of my chin as he says ‘okay’ and it makes my knees go weak. I manage a feeble “okay” then he hands me my bag and walks me to the door.
“Be safe Anne.”
That was a complete and total failure. I should have asked a question about Hamlet, and instead I ask some ridiculous question about long distance relationships. He looked at me like I was crazy, it was such a stupid thing to say. I bet now he thinks I’m silly and childish. Everyone knows that long distance relationships never work. I just don’t know what came over me, it seemed almost like a good idea at the time. Though, I did feel stupid asking it. Next time ask about the lesson topic, that will keep him talking for longer. That’s the thing to do. I’ll get it right next time. I should get some sleep, I want to be able to concentrate tomorrow. Goodnight