Maybe if it had happened yesterday i wouldnt have minded so much, but today, today of all days it decides to rear its ugly unwanted head. 34 days 2 hours and 2 mins late this month. I really thought we had done it. I had planned the story in my head,  fantasized about telling my husband Joe that he was going to be a daddy at last. I daydreamed about announcing to the family over Christmas dinner, during the toasts perhaps. A cheesy 'merry Christmas from the 3 of us' . I stared in shock at the flash of red and couldnt stop the hot tears streaming down my face, silent tears as i had cried so many times already. It was as though my body didnt have the energy to mourn any more, can you mourn somethng you have never had?

I numbly turned on the shower and began preparing for what now was to be a long hard day, funny but if it had waited untill tomorow it would have been magical, like a fairytale. I decided to wash my hair after all, anything to keep from thinking about 'it' for a bit longer. As i massaged the shampoo through with more vigour than usual i thought about my sisters children, my brothers baby and fresh tears sprang to my eyes. The usual questions formed in my mind 'why us?' 'what did we do?' but i knew they were pointless, i had asked the questions so many times before and still recieved no answers. It was time to put on a brave face, something i was so good at doing, i was so good at it i had everyone convinced how well i was coping, even myself. As i stepped out of the shower i heard Joe in the kitchen. We had been together for 6 years, married for 2. We were very happy, besides 'it', I had met  him through a friend and i knew immediately he was the one, we started trying for a baby almost straight away. We both were more than ready.  This thought always makes me feel guilty for depriving him his right to have children. There i go again blaming myself , but what woman doesnt? 5 years later and we were still here, going round in the same circle.

Time to announce he wont be a daddy this month, calmy and breezily, after all theres no point spoiling his day too. He'll only worry about me and i hate when he does that. With my back turned  i announce 'guess whats finally arrived, today of ALL days' with a lightness to my voice that my body doesnt feel. I hear him moving towards me and he touches my shoulder. Knowing that his kindness will bring more tears i shrug him off and laugh that its ok, now i can celebrate Christmas, REALLY celebrate. I babble on a few more good reasons not to be pregnant this month, so good that i convince myself its true. Feeling brave, and with the tears and anguish banshed to the pit of my stomach, i turn to Joe and put on that well practiced smile.  And so it all starts again.

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