And So I have This Phobia...

I think everyone is a little bit THANAPHOBIC. It's the fear of death.

I don't like to go walking anywhere new unless I have someone with me. I look around, and I'm afraid that something might happen. I don't know what, just... something.

I can't walk alone across my friend's backyard. There's nothing in it except flowerbeds  around the outside. I feel vulnerable, uneasy, worried. I don't like the felling at all, so I just walk around the flowerbed until I'm across from the deck, and then I just dart across.

When I'm with my husband, I'm safe. I can go anywhere, even across a football field, as long as I'm holding onto his hand tight, and I walk fast.

My husband doesn't understand, because he's only seen me in a full on anxiety attack once, and he thought that was just a one time thing. A few years ago, we were taking a flight to Florida with my  in- laws, and I had to go to the washroom. When I came out, I couldn't see them right away. I absolutely lost it.

I burst into to tears, and I started running down the concourse, screaming my husband's name. There were people everywhere, so I wasn't technically alone, but that didn't help. By the time I found them sitting on a bench just a couple hundred metres away, I was a shaking, screaming crying mess.

For a week before the flight, I'd been having dreams of going into a place with a lot of people around. I was with my husband and we got separated. I wasn't able to find him anywhere. I went out to the parking lot, and there was a sea of cars, and I didn't know which one was mine.

I was all alone , and I couldn't find my husband. I would wake up crying and shaking. I just told my husband it was a nightmare.I thought it was a subconscious fear of losing my husband, but that wasn't it, I don't think.

The fear of loss is always with us to some extent, but this is something different. Every time we have to go to an airport, I hang onto my husband like a leech.

I think I may have a milder form of this fear, because I'm still able to function, go to work, go shopping, as long as I am not going anywhere that I've never been before.  I feel safe as long as I'm familiar with my surroundings.

If I'm in a strange place with strange people around me, I can't breathe. It's almost like being claustrophobic, but that's not really it. I only feel hemmed in if I'm with people I don't know. I'm pefectly fine in an elevator, as long as I've been in it before, and it has never been known to suddenly crash.

I suffer from Agoraphobia.

The End

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