Y'see, I've got this phobia.

Ceraunophobia - could it be a fear of thunder and/or lightning?

Most of the time, it's in that small period before you fall asleep. I lay there, contemplating my day, when it creeps up. The question worms it's way subtly through my thoughts, until it's buried so deep I can't dislodge it.

What would it be like?

My own morbid curiosity and light-heartedness into the subject whiplashes back resulting in mental welts. I have to stop it now, before it's too late...

Cool, maybe. An absense of thought. You wouldn't even need to have an opinion. You couldn't have an opinion.

Shuddering, I turn on my side. Please stop! I can tell where this is going - but my own conscience, the voice in the back of my head, drives me forward. An ever-relentless need to supply an answer to a question.

Everything in my head, all my previous thoughts, vanish, leaving darkness. Actual inquisitiveness gains control, and prevents me from controlling my own imagination. My breathing slows. I can barely hear my heartbeat now. Is this what it would be like? My brain slows and forgets to think, leaving my mind blank.

A surreal tingling, coupled with a strong throbbing of feeling spread from my toes and fingers upwards.

Everything's gone. Everyone you love. Everything you know. You're simply a number now. Someone for people to forget.

Don't forget me!

I jump as though I've been stung. I'm shaking all over, tears run indefinatley down my face, and my brain condemns the day this first happened. The day I was curious. The day I was too curious.

When I try to fall asleep again, it's all I can ever think about. Like the period of time after you wake up from a nightmare, bits keep re-surfacing and staring you in the face. It's irrational, I know. After it's happened, I would never need to worry about it ever again. And that's what's scary. I could never imagine the after. Because there is no after. No control.

The next day, I can talk about it when it happens to others, I enjoy writing about it, deploying it in a gruesome fashion into any story I can get my hands on. It poses no threat.

Just wait until tonight.

I suffer from man's eternal fear. I am Thanatophobic.

The End

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