All in the Family BusinessMature

"Mom and dad met as they both shot one guy in the head. As the brains flew against the ceiling they knew it was true love"


"Of course babe, I'll be there at seven. I'm only a few minutes away from the drop off point, and it's getting dark. There won't be any problems, and there's an Ice storm coming." The clouds are coming in nice and dark tonight.

"I just don't want you to be hurt or anything. Be careful on those roads. Drive slow and safe.

"I've been driving for how long, mom? Just relax. I've got everything covered." I turn the wheel in to the park, drive up to the usual place, check the rear-view mirror for other cars, and turn off the car. "Well now I'm here. See, at this rate I'll be at the restaurant before you get there. So really, just-" My eyes had looked over to the woods and a small motion caught my sight. There are two girls sitting right in front of where I need to go. One appears to be smoking, one holding a beer, and they both just saw me parking. "Shit, I'll have to call you back... Fuck." I turn off my blue tooth, grab my gun, open the door, and prepare for a nice sprint over to those children.

Luckily for me, the two aren't exactly cross country runners, so catching up to them was nothing, but now that I'm standing right behind them, I can see my luck has turned. They've stumbled upon the body pile. Damn.

And I bet if I killed these two right now, that someone would notice that they've gone away. Double damn. Well, there's a thought...

"Hey! Stop right there!" I shout, louder than necessary since both are about a yard away and the only sound to be heard is that of falling hail. "Who are you?"

"What?" One replied. Spinning around, they both backed into the biggest tree around.

"I said, who are you?" My gun raises, and on of their flash lights flicks over to glint off it's beautiful chrome body.

"Wha... We're nobody! Just leave us alone!"

"What are you doing out here in an ice storm? Isn't it a little cold, and a little dark?" I think one of them has started to cry, but really they shouldn't be out here. I size one of them up, and I can waver a guess that she's about fifteen. Just a little too young to be smoking, let alone drinking.

"We were just hanging out, please let us go! We haven't done anything wrong!" I don't really think she understands all the things she HAS done wrong. Perhaps she means to constitute becoming what she found.

"The drinking doesn't count? The smoking doesn't count? You two seem to have stumbled across a great big mess of trouble... and I think you are going to have to come with me." I throw my freehand out to grab hold of the closest girl's coat, and pull her close. My gun sits on her temple and I bark orders to the other girl. "You are coming too, unless you want your friend to have a new hole in her head." I couldn't help but want to chuckle at this situation, something about it just seemed too damn funny. "Let's move."

I pushed the girl forward, and slowly the three of us exited the woods. The sun had gone down completely, the snow and hail was falling hard, and there was not another person in sight. This was going to be easy.

What if they try to escape, the closer to my car we get, the more likely they will be to try and do something heroic.

"We've got a solution, don't we?"

"What?" they both look at me afraid.

"Here, hold this, and both of you roll up your sleeves." I hand one my flashlight, and pull out of my back pocket a set of handcuffs.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing, I'm handcuffing you. That alcohol must have really gotten to your head."

"But, why are you doing this?"

"Well, to be honest," and I sigh and look into her eyes, "It's really a lot easier to shoot two people chained together, than two people running apart." Again, I want to laugh. There was such a very serious fear in her eyes that nothing in my wanted to do anything more than writhe in merciless laughter. So, my best bet to fight the temptation is to just march them up to my car.

They climb into the back seat. I crawl in after them, undo one of the cuffs, wrap the chain around the center console, and reapply the steel bracelet. I really don't want to track down two convicts in this weather.

"Be good now, I've got business to take care of. Ha-ha-ha." Laughing as I close the door, I remove a large black sac from the trunk. Dumping bodies never seems to go quite as planned. Something always seems to get in the way.


"Your table is this way, sir." The waiter waves his hand over, and leads me through the room. "Is there anything I can get you to drink, sir?" I'm seated, holding the menu in front of me, and look to Steve to play our favourite dinner game.

"Yes, may I have a Screwdriver?" I turn to Steve. "You know, that sounds manly. Manly enough for two men, right Steve?"

Steve winks at the waiter, who begins to get nervous. "You know me, Jack. I like to work with tools."

"And you know what they say. It takes three to party!" And we've won. The waiter is fidgeting violently, sweating like he's run a mile, and stammering incessantly.

"I'll... I'll... be right back with your drink." As he walks off to the kitchen to recuperate, Steve starts talking.

"I think that one was really good. Well, how have you been?"

"Ah, you know. Today was a tough day. I really hate it when people get in the way."

"Tell me about it."

"Well, see, when I got to the woods to drop off that Mario fellow, there were these two girls."

"Oh my."

"Yea, that was my thought. Well, when they saw my pull up, they completely freaked on nothing, got up and ran into the woods. They ran straight to the pile."

"Oh that's not good."

"No it isn't. They found it too, so I couldn't just leave, ya know?"

"Did you take care of them?"

"Nah. I chained them up in the basement. Figured, I'll drown them in alcohol later and dump their body someplace the cops 'll think is just a place teens go to get wasted. 'Two more die from alcohol poisoning'. Poisoning is right, ya know? Oh hey! The drinks are here! What are we going to eat?"

The End

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