first love

I cant get over this pain inside my chest. Every time i think of your name i get a lump inside my throat. Never again will i be able to look another sunflower without remembering you. Remembering everything i felt, every touch, every laugh, every tear that streamed down my face when i missed you like crazy. I always missed you. I missed you long before i lost you. I slowly started to realize i did not know you as well as you knew me. But oh i loved you with everything. I wanted to do everything with you. i wanted to sleep with you, travel the world with you, eat cereal with you. I could've spent years with you.

The love became overwhelming at times. every small fight turned into our hearts shattering into pieces that were lost as the days went on. It shouldn't have been like that. We should have been happy. Why couldn't we be happy? Why did we have to break each other down and tear each other apart just to say "i love you" again in a day or so? Why wasn't love ever enough?

I remember the first time i touched you. You whispered, "I want you to touch me" and i said "you do? now?" it was clumsy but oh my god it was beautiful. You were beautiful. You are beautiful. I wanted to make you feel how you made me feel. I wanted to show you how much i loved you because it was so much and its still so much but now im starting to realize that there comes a point when love stops being enough and pain and anger and jealousy begin to over power it. And maybe i didnt love you as much as i could have because i let it but damnit it was so much. so fucking much.I want you to know that i will never again love someone the way i loved you and im sorry i let you get away but please realize that it was because i loved you. I wanted you to be happy. I still do.


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