Addvice Column

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Dear anonymous Addvice Column advice giver--

This crazy thing happened last weekend, and now I don't know what to do, and everyone's watching me to see what I do. It's so awful how people are paying attention to me. Let me tell you the entire story.

I work at a coffee shop, and evidently I am an attractive and easily stalkable 25-year-old girl. I do happen to only weigh 90 pounds, though, so I look like a teenager. But that part doesn't matter, I just wanted you to have the full image in your head. So there's me, 90 pounds, very skinny, and I have tattoos.

So anyway, on Friday some guy showed up at the coffee shop and told me his friend was madly in love with me. "Is that friend you?" I asked him knowingly. "No," he said. He described his friend to me and said I might have seen him lurking around the coffee shop, possibly staring at me while putting too many sugars into his water, but I couldn't place him. Anyway, this guy asked if I would come eat sushi with him and his "friend", and some more of their friends, he promised me there would be girls, on Saturday. He assured me that it was nothing creepy or anything like that, so I said yes.

Now, I told all of my co-workers, and they all seemed to think it was pretty sketchy, so I called him back. (the guy who came to the coffee shop, that is, not the guy who likes me. We'll call him Guy 1. We'll get to the guy who likes me in a minute. If there even IS another guy!) Guy 1 reassured me that it was not anything to be weirded out about, it's just that his friend had been talking about me a lot, and he wanted to surprise him by getting me to show up at their otherwise-uneventful sushi outing. My doubts satisfied, I agreed again to be there. 

I arrived on Saturday at the sushi bar and joined them at their table. Guy 1 was there, and on his left was Guy 2, the skinny, bony red-headed guy who fit the description I was given of this mysterious "friend" who had a crush on me. I was mildly impressed with him, because he looked like he weighed perhaps only 20 pounds more than me. Next to Guy 2 was a girl who turned out to be Guy 1's girlfriend, and next to her was Guy 3, who was much more attractive than Guy 2, and wasn't with a girl, but for some reason didn't have a crush on me. And, finally, there was Guy 4, another redhead, but larger, more gorilla-like. Not my type. Forget about him. I just want you to see the full picture.

My arrival at this table was quite momentous, and about the most awkward thing that's ever happened to me. Guy 1 introduced me as his "friend" to the group. Most of them smiled cautiously at Guy 2 instead of introducing themselves. Guy 2 looked utterly shocked and speechless, and couldn't seem to make eye contact with me. 

We talked about various subjects but could never really settle on anything interesting, and nobody brought up the elephant in the room. Guys 1 and 3 kept directing all of their comments at either me or Guy 2, trying to keep us at the center of the conversation as much as possible. The girl was overly casual and sarcastic, and made it clear that she was not threatened by my presence, but was in no way interested in making me comfortable either. There was really nothing to do but keep drinking and hope for the best.

Finally, at long last, we were all drunk. 

Guy 1 demanded of his other friends, "wasn't I right to bring her here? I mean, how long has he been talking about this girl?"

"At least a year!" said Guy 3.

"Not a year," said Guy 2, embarrassed. He blushed every time he looked at me.

"Long enough," said Guy 3.

I didn't know what to say.

And it sort of doesn't matter, because I got drunk enough that I don't remember any of what I did say. But I know that eventually the ice did break, or perhaps slowly melted away into something more penetrable. By the time we left the restaurant we were all able to laugh about the awkwardness. And for some reason we decided to move the party to Guy 1 and the girl's house.

I don't remember how I ended up the sole passenger in Guy 2's car when there were at least two other cars going there, but I'm sure I have everyone else to blame. 

Guy 2 and I arrived at the house in one piece, but we didn't get out of the car. Unfortunately, this is the part I remember most.

In the car, he began to tell me things. He told me that he'd had a crush on me ever since he saw me singing to a punk song that was playing in the coffee shop. He liked punk. He liked my tattoos. He liked anarchy. He thought his friend was out of place to do what he'd done, but was glad to get to meet me. He told me he was bullied in high school, that he was a virgin, that he'd questioned his sexuality before, and that he was not religious but did believe in "destiny". Then he laughed and said no, he didn't believe in destiny.

I told him that I like punk too. 

He called me the next day but I didn't answer, because my phone didn't recognize the number. Okay so I'm not actually sure it was him, but surely it was him! 

He really doesn't interest me at all, but given that he's obsessed with me, and believes in destiny, it makes me think, what if there really IS destiny? I mean, for us to have met this way, it just seems poetic. I would be shooting myself in the foot if I didn't at least give it a chance. Right?

I can't wait for your advice. I really need it this time, much more than that time when I wrote to you about which point in the movie Transformers 2 I should go pee during. I never received your response, but it turned out to be so gripping that I'm really glad I didn't miss any of it. I assume that was your plan all along.

Please write me back on this one, though.

Yours truly,

Skinny girl with tattoos.

The End

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