"Accident" NoteMature

Please read this before reading the page. This is not a real suicide note rather an exploration of some dark stuff I've been thinking about. Not how I feel. That being said it wasn't easy to write and disturbing to me to produce. If the idea of reading a suicide not seems troubling I would recommend reading something else.

Dear Family , and maybe later friends

If you found this note somehow I'm sorry that your grief has brought you here. I'm sorry that I left this here.  Knowing it would crush you. It was not an accident that killed I just wanted it to seem that way. I jumped into harms way hoping it would not pass on the pain that I have held on too for so long. I was to afraid to let any of you know how much I hated myself, how I couldn't seem to escape that. How I couldn't find one good thing to define myself, one accomplishment, one achievement one redeeming quality. All I could find was half assed attempts to be something and most of those on the goodwill of all you around me. Everything I ever had given to me by someone else. I solely rode on the achievements of others. An ultimate let down.  Still somehow all of you still wanted me around, and that kept me going. I don't want any of you to grieve for me, or miss me. I don't deserve that kind of remembrance. less than a passing moment so you can all live your lives find without me would be fine. I know that's not possible but it's how I'd want it to go.  

They say that suicide is selfish and I very much agree. The connections I've made with you all the friendships and family that I have don't deserve to lose that especially in some messy affair like me shooting myself or throwing myself off something. No an Accident would be suitable so none of you would be burdened with the knowledge that I hated myself so much and you never knew. Or the love and friendship we had wasn't good enough to stop me. It was though. The idea of you reading sends shivers down my spine, and dread in my stomach, and Ice in my heart. I am a selfish pathetic creature. So I did my utmost best to not burden you with this inner spite of total failure that defines my existence. The universal fuck up that you sheltered.  Mum , Dad it was never your fault, you did your best gave me the best opportunities supported everything, every choice I made. My friends, and family; you accepted me for who I was made time for me on the occasion brought me bouts of joy, lights in the darkness.  But now I just feel like the shell of a person living day by day step by step frozen. Maybe its like that for all of you. But I can't stand it, the lack of progress.  The feeling that the happiest days are all behind me.  That this is it. I never deserved any of you and I'm happy you all gave a piece of yourselves to me no matter how small. I love you all and no amounts of apologies can make up for how I feel and why I am going to do this.

 You don't deserve this to happen to you. I wish I could see the same thing you all saw in me.  I know some people wonder what would be said about them when they die? Whether they Will be Missed?  For me I wonder what people saw in me. Why they cared about me? It funny how that's something I couldn't just ask in person.  But maybe its because I don't want to hear or believe what you'd say.  I hope none of you read this and believe the story that I wrote for you so I can bow out knowing that I never passed on this pain, and self loathing I've carried on for so long. And if you somehow do come across this I hope you hate me and never forgive me. 

Farewell and May all of you live long happy lives.

The End

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