As the title suggests, I'm going on a rant or verbal ramble about a rather elusive creature.
See, I've made pretty much every mistake while trying to become happy. I can't let go of people, I can't say goodbye. I give everything and take nothing for myself. And I love. Deeply and completely. The people I care about are few, but I would do anything for them. And I mean anything.
And I wouldn't change that for the world.
The problem is being in love. Matt.. God, where do I begin? He's the most subborn person on the face of the Earth and completely infuriating. But he's also stubborn when it comes to holding onto someone he really cares about. He's a right royal prick and utterly despicable when he's angry.. even scary. But nobody is perfect. He pushes you as far as you think you can go and keeps on pushing. But because of that, I'm stronger and can now face my problems. His sense of humor is sometimes bleak, sarcastic and usually very non-PC. But that fits perfectly with mine. He's definately not the easiest person to get on with. But that makes the good times all the more special. He's possessive and controlling. But for someone who has spent years feeling worse than nothing, it feels good to be wanted.
Yeah, I love him. Everyone I know has told me to get rid of him, that no one is worth the pain he puts me through. But to me, he's more than worth every second. It started when I saw how alone he really was. How no one had stood by him. Slowly, I saw past the asshole everyone saw and I fell in love. I decided then I would be the one to stand by him where everyone else had walked away. To be there no matter what. To show him what a real friend was. Its not easy. And for months on end, he can make it hell, making you doubt everything. But then he'll do something, like play the guitar for hours on end. And I see a ghost of a smile. And it makes everything seem worthwhile.
In a way, its like keeping a wild animal caged. If you go near him, he'll snarl and sometimes, hurt you. But occasionally, he'll let you come a little closer.
If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. And when you gamble with your heart on the line, the burns take a little longer to heal. But pain passes. If you hide away forever, too scared to fall in love, too scared to get hurt, eventually, you'll forget how to love.
As LostProphets have taught me well "you'll never fall in love if you don't fall at all." Alongside "you'll never fall in love if you don't risk it all" its a mantra that has helped me a lot.
Happiness isn't a gift or a given right. Its something you earn. Its something you learn to appreciate. Someone told me once that the light will always emerge from the dark. Like a photo from a negative, happiness will come from the darkest times of your life.
When all hope seems lost, even the most unlikely people can throw you a lifeline. Sometimes its people you forgot, people you never knew, or people who just seemed to not care. Sometimes its the smallest things that are worth the most.
A smile, a kind word, a minute of your time. Sit and listen to someone who needs a friend. Offer your help without someone asking. Go out of your way to say hello to the person sat on their own. Sometimes, a few seconds can change someone's day. And who knows, you might just save someone's life with a simple smile.
Never underestimate the depths people conceal. And never underestimate the power of an individual. Everyone has the power to create or destroy. Most of us hover somewhere in the middle. A few, rare, unsung heroes actually go and make a difference.
Smile. Change someone's life. Be a hero.