At the end of the day, there's no real trigger for it. Just something, deep in your mind that just snaps, screaming 'enough! no more!'.
So, despite my best efforts, thats where I am now. With Linkin Park's "Leave Out All The Rest" blaring, I press that internal little red button. I start fights with all the people who would otherwise cling tight to me and it gives me a reason. Deep down, I know its self-inflicted, that I am just trying to find excuses. Deep down, I know I could stop this getting too far out of control. But I can't summon the courage. I can't summon the strength anymore.
For so long now, there's been a fight to drive me. A friend needs my help, drop everything for them. The guy I love is demanding attention, go to him. Depression strikes, see the therapist. Exams, throw everything you have into school work.
Now, I'm tired of fighting. I have no more energy for living. I have no room for just being. Now, I have to fight to stay on the level. But, I've fought all the fights and there's nothing left. I just don't have the will power to save myself.
Some may scoff and dismiss this as a self-absorbed young adult too caught up in petty troubles to see the bigger picture. Some may say this will pass. But thats just it. I've been waiting for it to pass for years. I've been pushing this aside for one thing or another to allow other people to become my focus. Now, I've given too much away. I've become a ghost, an impression of a girl who loved too much.
So all bets are off. I've pressed that little button so all I'm going to do now is wait. See what takes me first. The depression, the asylum or the mob after my blood. Well, I was joking about the mob. Call it gallows humor.
Thats it, I'm calling time. Putting an end to it. Ringing the final bell, throwing in the towel. There's no more fight left and nothing left to give. So I'm putting myself in the hands of whatever powers govern our lives and praying they make it painless.
Some people might see this as a goodbye. Hell, if anyone has read this far, you deserve a medal. All I can say is don't hold your breath. Go out and take whatever dreams hold you. Before your star burns out.