Overnight things seem to have gone totally out of control. I know this feeling. The one that makes droplets of blood dance on my skin if it gets too bad. At the moment, every blade is full of promise, tantilising, enticing. A siren call that promises everything will go away for a small blood price. Its haunting me.
I'm losing Matt. The one person I need the most is fading away. Its times like now I realise how much I truly need him. I feel like a terrified child. I want to curl in a corner and cry until he comes. This dependence is more than mental, I feel a physical ache, a burning nausea that I could lose him and I can't think about anything else. I should. I have school, a life, people who are going to worry. Stephen and so many others who need me strong. But I'm collapsing from the inside out. An exterior of the person they need and love, collapsing and breaking down not too far below the surface. I can't bury this deep enough to hide entirely. I need him. I can't lose him.
The thing is, all I have is silence. A threat of losing him and silence. I'm left in limbo, purgatory because I just don't know. I know he's upset, I know he's angry and hurt... but so am I. All I get is silence. Silence is golden, but silence will kill. I know he cares, I know he sees me as important. But after all the mistakes I have made, he can't see that I truly do need him and want him as much as I say I do.
I feel like I'm screaming at brick walls that are slowly closing in. There's nothing I can do. I'm going under, I know this. I'm slowly spiralling out of control. Beyond help. I'm praying I don't lose him. I'm praying he finds me before its too late.