I suppose it was kinda fated. I mean, who falls in love over the internet? Idiots right? I never imagined that I would fall into that category. I'd always imagined falling for some guy at school. Someone kind and gentle, caring and normal. Funny how life will throw you a curveball.
I suppose I'd better gie a quick run-down of who you are talking to. Well, to be more accurate, who's thoughts you are reading. My name is Nicole. 18 years old, studying A levels at a private school in the middle of England. Speaks French pretty damn well if I do say so mayself. Completely devoted to my friends. Stephen, basketballer and my best friend. Saved my life. Three times. Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm depressed and suffer from suicidal episodes and anxiety attacks. And I'm in love with a guy who is slowly destroying me.
Back to where I was. Falling in love. Internet love to be precise. I guess things started going a bit screwy way back when I started slicing my arms to pieces. Don't ask me why but it felt like the best thing to do at the time. Slowly, I became addicted to the numbing sensation it had on my mind. You see, I think too much. And I care too deeply. Kind of a nasty combination when you throw in teenage hormones and the such like. And a couple of years later, a random add on a certain social network site changed my life irrevocably.
His name? Matt. Common enough. Giving a mental shrug What's the worst he can do? I added him and we talked. And talked. And talked. Hours would pass. I gave him my number. We would talk for days. Whenever his name popped up on the screen (whatever screen that may be) I smiled a little.
The pivotal moment was on holiday in France. Matt and I had been talking for a few months now and it was clear that feelings on both sides were heating up. It was 2 am and we were still talking online. The mood was comfortably happy, albeit a little sleepy. Conversation was minimal. After a long silence, three words popped up on my screen.
I love you.
I still remember, nearly a year on, the way my heart stopped in my throat. Love? Someone I had never met face to face? Is that possible? Yet, deep down, I knew the answer to that. Without hesitation I typed back.
I love you too.
A week later, I was back in the UK, facing Matt. And on that day, he took my hand. He gave me my first kiss. And I knew, when he put his arms around me, that my life had turned. I felt, deep in my being, that I never wanted him to let go. It was a sensation I had never felt before. Almost a literal falling sensation. It was a sensation that left me light headed and breathless. Foreign yet instantly recognisable. Love. It had to be. What other emotion could drive someone shy, uncertain, with no value of herself to allow a guy that she had met only online before to kiss her?
For two days, my head was filled with nothing but the sensations of that day. We spoke and things appeared to be as you would expect.
Then he wrote another message.
You were just a rebound girl.
It emerged that he'd gone home to meet with another 'friend'. At 3am. She stayed the night.
I guess it was then I experienced what you might call a broken heart.