Attention seeking. They call me attention seeking?! Since when is getting upset about something just attention seeking. I get upset, I start to cry; natural reaction to a stimulus. I start panicking and freaking out and they call me attention seeking. I get accused of manipulating people, of using people to my own advantage. I get accused of pushing everything to get my own way, and then attention seeking when I don't get it. What's the point in going to see the counsellor, if she encourages me to talk about what I feel, yet she says behind my back that I turn up when I please; when I'm attention seeking? What's the point of opening up, talking about things, when each thing I admit I feel leads to just more pain and upset? There's not really much point, is there?
There's only so much a girl can take. It might outwardly seem like I'm attention seeking, but in my mind and heart it's just not about that. It's about me trying to express just how I'm feeling. My writing, it's just a plea for help, an expression of what makes me tick, of what makes me... me. There's not really a hell of a lot that I can do, if I'm not just able to get on with it. No more spilling tears, no more trying to impress. She wants me gone, she wants me to just get out and leave the family, I will. She tells me that I'm never really around as part of the family, that I don't bother helping, or participating, that I never spend time acting like I really am a member of the family, and that I get life really easy, which yes, sure, my life is pretty easy, but that doesn't mean I don't still have my own problems. I might not always spend time with the family, but with the welcome I get, can she really blame me? I tell her that I'm dating someone a bit older than me and she turns it round and acts as if I've been going behind her back and sleeping around and being a little slut.
If she really wants to go there I'll tell her some home truths. I'm not her. I don't spend my school time going out, getting drunk, high, and smoking. I'm not wasting my life and I' not going to end up pregnant at 18, unable to support my family and I refuse to get stuck in this god-forsaken town. I'm not going to just let life slip away. I'm going to enjoy it without messing it up. She reckons I won't be able to cope with university, that she's not going to bother with helping me or anything like that. I wasn't expecting her to, and frankly, with the way she's been acting, I'd rather just walk away and never look back. Yes, I'll probably regret it at some point down the line, but I'm tired of fighting to be a good daughter when she's clearly already decided in her mind that I'm a screw up and a failure and that there's no way she'll find anything I do to be proud of. Even starting a new school newsletter didn't make her proud of me. I'm not bothering anymore. She doesn't care, so neither will I. There's no point in doing family counselling if she doesn't want to actually listen. I listen to what she has to say. I take on board everything she says. I take it all to heart and she just doesn't seem to realise the effect it has on me; how each criticism and complaint make me feel even more crap, nor how each and every time she says something about me, even jokingly, it hurts. It just goes to show how little she knows me really.
She acts as though I'm just a manipulative attention seeker, (which are her words) but I'm just a girl trying to find her own place again. I find my feet and then the rug is swept out from underneath me again. I become happy and then have something occur to bring me crashing back down. Well, if that's how she wants it then let the games begin. She thinks I'm manipulative and malicious now, wait til she sees me when I really put my mind to it... I think this might just be fun, really letting go and following through all of those little thoughts that pop into my head. I'm going to say exactly what I think, do what I want to, follow through on each threat and really give people a look into the psychopath locked in my mind.