A Slice of Universe



The Universe is a very big place. It's not difficult to understand why it has to be so big seeing as it contains everything that has ever existed. A human mind can barely begin to comprehend the unbelievable immensity of the Universe. If this was to happen the resulting overwhelming feeling of insignificance would force that person to crawl into a corner and die.

Somewhere in all this vastness is a planet called Colabar.


      Colabar and, most particularly, its inhabitants, are totally, completely, entirely and utterly different from anything that you and I are familiar with. To start with, Colabar isn't really a planet, but the satellite of two other planets. It follows a figure-of-eight path around, and in between, these two other planets. Before you start wondering how this is possible, please understand that on this side of The Universe, the laws of science are unlike anything you can read in any physics, chemistry or biology book found on planet Earth. Trying to explain any of this would simply confuse you and get in the way of my story-telling. If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about this and just continue with the rest of the story.


The geographical features of Colabar are largely dominated by seemingly endless prairies, small hills and green rivers and lakes. Green is a very persistent color throughout the whole planet, mostly because of the high chlorine content in the atmosphere. The majority of the inhabitants of Colabar live in small villages nestled comfortably in the valleys or perched along the hillsides.


      Now, this particular story occurred in Ambuter, a village situated near the top of a particularly hilly area. Every house in Ambuter faces the beautiful Lake of The East and each morning the residents can enjoy the elaborate mating rituals of the great Gindyfar beasts which splash around for hours until the female leaps into the air and explodes in a multicolored shower of eggs which, incidentally, make delicious canapés.

The inhabitants of Colabar were called Ambutes. The fact that the word "Ambutes" and "Ambuter" are similar is a mere coincidence and doesn't have anything to do with the story so that's another thing that you shouldn't try and understand. Having said that, they don't really call themselves Ambutes for the simple reason that these creatures are unable to articulate words in a way that a human being can understand. For example the word "Ambute" is communicated by a series of grunts, screeches and belches so that it sounds, more or less, like this: "Grumhpgraaaigrraiagrumpheeeegraagr". To make things more clear, I'll give you another example; the phrase "I don't feel like waking up early tomorrow so please can you switch off the alarm clock or, better still, why not flush it down the toilet?" would sound exactly like this: "Arrgh iiich!". However we'd better refer to them as Ambutes so as not to get you confused.


      These ambiguous but (dare I say it?) cute looking creatures started out their existence as pink weightless particles which floated around the atmosphere of Colabar. Sometime in history, these lifeless particles decided to land on the surface of Colabar and realized that this was so much better than their airborne existence that they immediately grew in size and sprouted a pair of eyes each. They also found it very convenient to open a gash somewhere below their eyes so that they could easily stuff into it any object that they happened to come across, including other Ambutes. Afterwards, their bodies conveniently processed these ingested objects and used the energy stored inside them to do any Ambute thing that they felt like doing. Ingenious isn't it?

      Ambutes do not have any limbs so they move around by bouncing. Their soft and gelatinous bodies, coupled by the weak gravitational force on Colabar, makes this a very easy feat. As for handling objects, Ambutes use telekinesis.


      Some of the Ambutes' favorite pastimes include chasing their own shadow, searching for interesting looking stones, doing research on quantum physics and digging holes. They also enjoy ending each others' lives. This hobby was particularly popular in medieval times which, strangely enough, coincided with the medieval times on planet Earth. They came up with many different excuses to justify their murderous ways of life. Some Ambutes for instance decided that a good reason to hunt other Ambutes was to single out the ones who reflected no colors from the visible spectrum of light. These types of Ambutes were often rounded up behind bars on Friday nights and beaten to a mushy pulp. Twenty-seven-toothed Ambutes were also a very popular target.


      The Ambute species is mostly renowned for producing the best Philosophers in the entire Universe. For instance, they were the first creatures in all the Galaxies to realize that the existence of Colabar was what held together the very fabric of the Universe. If Colabar was ever destroyed, everything else contained in the Universe would simply cease to exist. This piece of knowledge is known by all Ambutes and is documented in great detail in the immensely popular book known as "The Truth". The information contained in The Truth is enough to make all Ambutes wake up early each morning with a smile on their snout. Any Ambute who disagreed with The Truth was usually beaten up behind a bar on a Friday night.

      All Ambutes are asexual. This wasn't always the case; in fact, at the beginning of the medieval period there were both male and female Ambutes. However it became popularly known that mating was extremely wrong and so everyone had to stop doing it. There was the occasional non-conformist who disagreed with this but a quick meeting behind a bar quickly resolved any real issues. This went on for many years by which time the Ambute race was near extinction. Fortunately a radioactive meteor landed on planet Colabar and altered the genetic makeup of the Ambutes and subsequently they became capable of reproducing asexually. Reproduction happened through parthenogenesis with which any Ambute is able to lay eggs which hatch without the need for them to be fertilized. This allowed the Ambute race to proliferate again without the need to go through the hassle of copulation rituals.


Another thing that I have to mention is that Ambutes are completely terrified of budgerigars and they frequently wake up in the middle of the night, screaming their heads off after having horrible nightmares about budgies attacking planet Colabar and eating every single Ambute. This piece of information is particularly strange since budgies do not, and have never existed on planet Colabar.

The End

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