“So what’s with the dull face? It’s the weekend! Be happy!” Amy said, jumping up and down on her seat as I drove the car, ignoring her.
“We’re going to the m all to watch a movie like always, what’s to be happy about?” I mumbled under my breath but Amy had heard me; she had ears that belonged to an infrasonic being.
“So you don’t like me anymore?” She pouted, looking like an estranged puppy. Oh someone kill me.
“Nothing like that Amy. I’m just not-in-the-mood.”
“Why, is something wrong? You know you can talk to me about it!”
For a moment I paused, contemplating to myself whether I should tell the sister of my long-gone lover that I miss her brother oh-so-much and all the worries of the world that continue to do a good job of burying me down. Mentally shaking my head, I decided not to. Keeping quiet, I swerved onto the driveway of the mall and looked around for a parking spot.
After five minutes, the car was parked and Amy and I were out and walking toward the cinemas. Like I had said before, there’s nothing quite exciting about coming to the movies so why be hyper? The time went by extremely slow as Amy and I watched the movies. Infact, I wasn’t even paying attention; I was too lost in my thoughts to give any praise to the marvels of the Hollywood world. I was thinking about my mom. Had I judged her feelings for me too quickly? Assuming she was disappointed with me when she just may be worried. I’ve never understood my mom’s mind and how it functions and sometimes I think I never will.
Having never had a daughter myself, I can only imagine how it must feel for a mother to see her daughter slowly melting away in despair – and that’s how it is for my mom right now.
And moving on for me is not like peanut butter and jelly like it may be for some others. Matthew was my childhood best friend, my middle school ‘specimen’ to wonder upon after each and every sex-ed class, my highschool sweetheart and my everything. A lot of times, I wonder at how fast Amy was able to recover from the shock. She was the best sister any guy could ask for, and she had the closest bond a brother and sister could have. But when she had loved him that much, looked up to her brother like that and spent more then 7 hours everyday with him, how could she get over him so fast? In just one month, she was up and about again; to me, that’s an impossibility.
I glanced at her from the corner of my eyes. She was smiling and laughing, totally absorbed with what was happening on the big screen. Her brown eyes twinkled as she clapped her hands to her mouth dramatically. If I had not known Amy, I would never have been able to predict all she’s gone through in the past couple of months. She was happy and beautiful both on the outside and in; but how was I to know that?
“Lilly, you okay?” Amy waved her hands in front of my eyes and I snapped out of my thoughts. She looked at me a little worriedly.
“I’m fine,” I said.
“Are you sure about that? You were staring at me a little strangely and I’m a little freaked out.”
I shook my head at her, repeating what I’d said before, along with an additional “don’t be paranoid”. With a frown, she looked away from me, her eyes flickering back to the screen. I waited for the movie to end so I could go back home to ponder off in my thoughts.
By the time I had the chance to breathe in the fresh air of our planet, I was in such a pessimistic mood which ignorant Amy did not notice at all. As I rode her home, she babbled on in “Amy-ness” talk as my clutch on the steering wheel tightened with each second that passed by. Almost everyone else but me had moved on, how long was it going to take me? I’m just the odd one out, the one who’s never going to get a move on with everything. Mom was right, I was afraid to give myself to someone again but she didn’t know the reason behind my actions. What good would that do me anyways? There was no one like matt in this world but even if there was, where’s the promise he won’t leave me too? I’m not ready to let go of my memories of Matt and take a step forward. I can never forget him…and as sweet and affectionate that might sound coming from his girlfriend, only I know the real pain behind having him in my head every single day and night and wondering… “Will things ever be the same again?”
The car skidded to a stop as I pressed the brakes roughly when we came close to her house. Amy turned to me, smiling and hugged me before saying goodnight and the usual formalities between friends. But she was not particularly pleased with the way I was acting tonight and she made sure to tell me that.
“What’s up with you? Honestly!” I couldn’t say she didn’t look annoyed cause she did but I could catch the little bit of concern in her voice and see the worry in her eyes. “You’ve been totally out of it today; and when I asked you to tell me what was going on you refused to. I’m only just trying to help.”
Avoiding her prying eyes, I looked out the windshield and ignored her questions and continuous rant.
“You can talk to me about it. I’m your friend after all. I have been since I was a baby. It was always you who looked after me alongside my brother now I’m trying to repay the favor – is that a crime?”
The silence that followed us was not shattered by my cry for help nor Amy’s comforting words to put an end to my sorrow. I knew she was waiting for the moment that I’d have my little outburst and pour out all my feelings to her…but I didn’t. Instead, I said two words that I knew would hurt her but it was the best for both of us.
“Get out,” I whispered.
“What?” Amy said, shocked.
“Get out the damn car Amy. Go home.”
I did not turn to see the hurt in her eyes but I waited for her to leave me alone in my world where I didn’t have to worry about confessing my inability to forget about the past with Amy. When I heard the soft click of the door getting shut, I started the engine and slowly drove out the driveway of her home. How rude I had just been to her, she was right. It was not a crime to try and help someone. Bu I wasn’t ready to open up and neither was she to hear what would come out my mouth. I was doing the best for both of us. I know I was. Even if it hurt to.