A Man's Guide to PregnancyMature

How to get through your woman's pregnancy without losing your balls

As a man, pregnancy is generally considered to be one of the greatest challenges you will ever have to face. If you've recently knocked up your woman, be aware that it's going to be a rough ride for you, both physically and mentally. Your confidence, masculinity, and righteous sense of self-importance are about to be tested in ways you've probably never imagined. A woman's pregnancy is her last (we hope!) flailing effort to try to turn you into the pastel-wearing, flower-buying, woman-respecting pussy she's always dreamed of showing off to her friends. But with perseverence, a firm resolve, and a few helpful guidelines, you can weather this 40-week maelstrom, and maybe even come out of it a stronger, manlier man than ever before. Here's how!

First of all, it's important to understand a bit about the brainwashing pregnancy sub-culture that women get sucked into the moment they find out they're pregnant. Back in the good ol' days, your woman would get all the information she needed about her body from a male doctor, and the most that her mother and friends could do would be to add some emotional testimonials and moral support. But this is the 21st century, Bro. Women can now communicate directly with all other women in the world, in the giant hormone-filled cesspool that is the internet. Be prepared to hear (and firmly dismiss) such absurdities as: 

  • "I can't clean the cat's litter box while I'm pregnant."
  • "My back needs a weekly massage."
  • "I have a heightened sense of smell, so you need to take more showers."
  • "Second-hand smoke is bad for the baby too, so you have to quit." 

Even some of the older notions of "established" pregnancy symptoms are completely made up, but still persist because women want so badly for men to believe them. For example, pregnancy-induced "food cravings" are not real, they're just an excuse women use to make men go out and get things for them. Food aversions aren't real either, they were actually invented to make the lies about the cravings seem more plausible.

These and other wild claims are propogated from woman to woman due to their universal desire to believe them, combined with their unfortunate ease of communication. But have no fear. She can no more force you to do things you don't want to do than drive a stick shift, and the oncoming baby only further guarantees that she won't attempt to leave you, no matter how much of an asshole you become. So don't pick up any of her chores or quit any of your beloved habits*. Remember that the reason she fell in love with you in the first place is because you're a grown ass man.

*By the way, she will definitely want you to stop drinking for no reason, since that's what she has to do. If she doesn't ask you to stop, it's just that she's trying to manipulate you into volunteering to do it on your own. Whatever her method is, don't fall for this BS. You need your alcohol now more than ever!

Here are some more useful tips to maintain constant dominance. 

  • Make sure you strongly veto her first choice for a baby name, whatever it is.
  • She doesn't need to go out and buy "maternity clothes". What she actually needs is regular clothes in bigger sizes… she just doesn't want to admit that. (And neither do the rest of the women in the world, hence the invention of the "maternity clothes" industry.) Don't waste your hard-earned cash on this nonsense. 
  • She will expect you to try to "bond" with the baby while it's inside her, but we all know this is impossible. This should go without saying, but there is no excuse for a man reading or singing to a woman's stomach.

Doing all of this will undoubtedly get you a long way toward your ultimate goal, but there's more to salvaging your masculinity during pregnancy than continuing to refuse to do everything your woman suggests. Sometimes there's actual work to be done if you want to avoid dire consequences. 

For example, your woman sees pregnancy as the perfect chance to get you to say that she looks pretty even when she's fat. Whatever you do, don't give in to this-- she will never forget it, and you'll be stuck telling a fat woman she's beautiful for the rest of your life to cover your ass. Instead, try to be proactive about her weight management. Aim for getting her to exercise at least one hour per day. Here are some simple ways you can get her moving without her realizing what you're up to:

  • When going places together, always park toward the back of the parking lot so she has to walk a longer distance to the destination.
  • Make sure that she continues to do all the family's grocery shopping, as this is another great opportunity to get her going the distance.
  • Put things farther back on the shelf than usual so she has to reach up and stretch that midsection.
  • For another great abdomen stretch, turn off lights with the fan cord instead of the switch so that she has to do the same every time she walks into the room.
  • Every once in a while when she's not looking, pick up her purse and set it in a different room. When it comes time to leave, she'll have to lap the house a few times trying to remember where she put it. (And don't worry, she won't suspect you: she'll just blame it on her own "pregnancy brain", another myth invented as a temporary justification of all women's normal behavior.)

These are just a start. Get creative; this is the woman you'll be boning for the rest of your life! And of course, nothing beats good old fashioned manipulative encouragement, such as "Gee honey, it's such a beautiful day outside, I bet that baby would love a nice walk in the park!"

Another way you can take your woman's wellbeing into your own hands is by taking advantage of her inability to drink while pregnant. Since this will inevitably result in her driving you around while you get drunk, it creates the perfect opportunity for you to point out all of her driving mistakes while you're too intoxicated for her to get properly angry with you. She's about to have an infant to take care of, after all; these driving deficiencies need to get hammered out one way or another!

Now, onto the slightly more complicated subject of sex. If a pregnant woman acts like she's never in the mood for sex, she's lying to try to make you desperate for her while she proves she doesn't need you at all. On the other hand, if she seems to want sex all the time, she's just trying to convince herself that she still looks hot. In either case, you should avoid having sex with her at all costs (which shouldn't be a problem after the first few months, when she starts looking all bloated and undesireable). 

Here are some excuses you can use if she asks why you haven't been in the mood lately:

  • You don't want to make her uncomfortable. (Showing concern for her is a good thing in this case, because there are far worse consequences of allowing her to believe that she's attractive while pregnant than of momentarily displaying sentiment.)
  • You want to save up your drive so that you can rekindle your love for her when the baby is born and starts to take over your lives. 
    And, an all-time favorite:
  • You're afraid it'll hurt the baby. (This is a great one because it shows concern for the baby while simultaneously implying that your manhood is dangerously large.)

If she's a feisty one, these excuses may not hold up for the entire duration of the pregnancy. You can try out your own ideas if you have some, but if all else fails, go bold: tell her you're just not that attracted to her right now because of the whole fat thing. Trust me, she'll quit nagging after that!

Most importantly, remember that what you lose now, you will never get back. These 9 agonizing months are crucial, and the stakes are extremely high. Hopefully you're man enough to not give in to the countless pitfalls contrived by women and women sympathizers in an attempt to subdue your machismo just because you impregnated a woman like a man was meant to do. If you work hard and take heed of our advice, you just might scrape by without sacrificing your dignity. A couple of steel balls wouldn't hurt your chances either.

The End

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