If you, like me, are lucky enough to have woken up 25 years or so into your marriage and are still in love with your husband I congratulate you.
If you have chosen to have children, you may have a daughter that is learning about love all on her own. As a parent you always wonder what the most important things are to share with your children and for me it is to teach my daughter about the love between her parents.
It has always been there as the subtle foundation behind the scenes, but now as she becomes a woman she might want to know some specific mother daughter wisdom. She may not, but I’m still going to write it down so she has it in case she ever needs it.
I am writing this in a letter for two reasons. The first and most obvious is because I am a writer, but second and perhaps more importantly because over the years, my husband and daughter have taught me their currency. I have learned that if I do things in their currencies (as they do mine) it will most likely get my message across in the way I want it to be received. It would read something like this:
My dear daughter, as you embark on the next stage of your life to find yourself and a partner to share your life with, I thought I would tell you a little bit about what I looked for in a man when I was your age. I know times have changed, but believe it or not, some things remain the same.
For years I had wondered if I would know when “the one” came along and like most of my friends I had almost given up on that hope on hearing that little voice in my head confirming it to me. That is until I met your father. These are some of the things I’ve learned and want to share with you.
If you can look into his eyes and see them sparkling with excitement about traveling the journey of life with you, then you must never stop looking to see the world through his eyes. If you can hear the warmth and safety in his voice; know it will calm and comfort you through even the most trying of times.
Please always listen to him speak as often as he will talk and share his words with you. If both his eyes and his voice dance when he laughs you know that he will always keep you happy, as he knows how to be happy himself. If he knows himself he will be able to take the time to get to know you because he is strong and confident that he is good, decent and can make you happy.
Watch him when he is at home with his family. When you see how he treats his mother, how he listens to her and takes care of her every need, you know he will be a sensitive, loving husband to you. When you see how upset he gets when she is sick or hurt, know that is a sign of how deep his emotions go and how he would go to any lengths to save you from any pain.
When you see how proud he is of the moments he shares with his father, you know he will be a loving, devoted father to his children and will always work hard to make all of his family proud of him. When you’re alone, listen to him as he talks about his dreams and goals for they will show you your future filled with love, fun and adventures together.
Let him keep his dreams and his boyish charm and he will romance you on any occasion simply because he wants to make you happy. He will do it because he loves you for letting him be himself and not trying to change him.
Take the time to learn the lessons he takes the time to try to share with you, its’ his way of showing you how he can take care of you.
Open your eyes when he takes you to all of his favorite places – even if they are not your cup of tea, he is trying to share who he is with you to bring you closer together.
When you hold his hand and feel its strong yet tender grip, trust him and always keep the faith with him and it will be returned tenfold.
When he orders dinner for you, opens the door for you, smile and thank him to let him know that you appreciate him and that you recognize his efforts on your behalf.
If he stays silent after asking him a question, give him the time to process his thoughts on his own and you can be assured when he is ready he will share all because you have shown him that you believe in him.
Let him be a guy and go and play with his friends, know that this isn’t a slight towards you – it is simply how he fills that part of his life, so he can be the man he wants to be with you.
Have the confidence in yourself to trust him and more importantly to trust your decision in choosing him, and neither of you will have anything to fear.
Know that you see things in him that he may not yet see in himself and vice versa. Have faith that you are both there because of that greatness and that it will all be there when you are both ready to experience it.
All of these are things I knew about your father from the beginning and that is how I knew he was the right one for me. He always has been and always will be. I hope that you my daughter find a man that is for you, what your father is to me.