Species 27: Babballoons

There is no easier way of initially describing the Babballoon than by saying it very much resembles a cross between a pumpkin and a balloon, but is, in fact, some sort of monkey.  Yes, it surprised me too!

Growing wild on the larger moons of Jupiter, it was thought for many years that the Babballoon was little more than a weird, inedible, space vegetable. Ranging in shade from yellow, to pink, to red and orange, random scatterings of Babballoon would appear here and there, bobbing innocuously on the surface, as if an Earth child had planted a series of party balloons around the place for a bit of a laugh.

At a certain point, perhaps on reaching full maturity, the tied-off end of the creature would detach itself from the ground, whence the colourful, gas-filled orb would rise at a balloon-like rate into the sky, emitting a shrill, high-pitched squeaking from what is now known to be both the mouth and the anus. No other orifice or feature exists, save for a sensitive "nipple" at the top of their, erm, heads (for want of a better word). It is advised not to tamper with this, however, as it may cause premature "bursting" and a consequent face-full of noxious, perhaps fatal, effluvium.

For centuries their sonic emissions on rising to their ultimate, withering, demise were thought to be mere noise - a sort of death-rattle, if you will. However, recent scientific research, led by Proteon LeFarge, the self confessed "biggest brain in six dimensions", has suggested that by slowing down the stream of chatter to 42 times its normal speed it is possible to discern a concise retelling of the entire history of the known universe. The professed translation is too long to enter into here, save to say it begins predictably enough with "Once upon a time there was a very big bang", and ends - worryingly - with a shriek of "Oh no, look out!"

LeFarge is an interesting being, and who am I to dismiss his theories? Yet, his assertion that "genius is too busy for proof" leads me to a healthy scepticism. My own opinion is that no real sense has ever come from a monkey. And let's leave it there for now.

Rating: Sensitive

Status: Sensitive

Right Thing to Say Should You Ever Meet One: Don't say anything - you might just learn something. Maybe.

The End

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