The Mock Glossary of Forgotten Species


Penned by the ever ubiquitous Dr Pinch and his constellations of personas, The Glossary of Forgotten Species is a tome widely used by voyagers in our strange universe.

Detailing an almost infinite number of creatures from the monstrous to the placid,  the book is in an ever-evolving state of being. It has been frequently compared to a certain humongous volume of intergalactic travel whose title is unfortunately omitted from this entry due to convoluted copyright treatises.

The extremely large and horribly dangerous planet Whoopsiedaisies (named after the first words ever uttered on the planet by a dandy who found his hand immediately severed by a marauding plant upon stepping out of the airlock) contains several million species of flora and fauna seemingly dedicated to the mangling and eviscerating of extraplanetary visitors. In a twist of evolutionary fate, the planet is also the home to a kazillion precious metals and resources, which makes its pull to treasure hunters and commercial entrepreneurs irresistible.

In the several centuries of traffic on Whoopsiedaisies, its danger level has never decreased, as the biosphere exhibits a remarkable evolutionary agility, in which individual species are able to accelerate their rate of change in response to new threats. The Glossary of Forgotten Species finds its entries on the species of Whoopsiedaisies being updated as quickly as the planet's visitors find themselves violently mauled.

On Whoopsiedaisies, The Glossary of Forgotten Species is a frequent visitor, with many volumes lost in the wilds, still clutched in the death grip of an unlucky traveller unable to access its prodigious database in time.  In a bizarre quirk of evolution, certain flora have adopted an unique feeding mechanism.

The Mock Glossary of Forgotten Species assumes a resemblance to the famous Glossary of Forgotten Species, enabling the desperate traveller on this benighted planet to exclaim in relief as she or he pounces upon it. With the traveller's desperate grip firmly ensconced around the mock book, it unfolds its flimsy flaps and envelopes its unfortunate victim.

The digestive process that follows is loud (as the victim is still alive), violent (and still kicking), and eventually extremely flatulent (extraterrestrial bacteria), as the plant discharges the leavings, which in turn, becomes excellent fertilization grounds.

Rating: Dangerously innocuous

Status: Do you really want to find out?

Right Thing to Say Should You Ever Meet One: Oh, God please kill me!

The End

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