You catch yourself. You hate that you let your mind wander so much. You can get lost in your head so easily, and you just miss out on so much sometimes! You get to the top of a hill and stop the car. You burst outside, look around, and take a deep breath.

The air is cool and refreshing after a day of overwhelming sunshine. The sunset is now in its full glory. Small islands dot the horizon but you can't seem to bring yourself to take it all in. You feel like you're running from something, and you know what that something is: yourself.

Nobody is happy all the time. But you come pretty close. Lately, however, you've come to resent your source of happiness. Your imagination, your curiousity, your inwardness, your various eccentric characteristics provide you with endless entertainment but as time goes on you become more and more aware of the world that you isolate yourself from. You begin to ask yourself difficult questions.

When was the last time you had a flowing conversation with someone? Are you really making your own choices in your life or is your body simply walking the path of least resistance while your mind dances the same merry pointless dance it always has? Will you ever become a loving mother and a wife?

You have never been able to berate yourself endlessly, nor for very long at all. Three stinging questions are enough. It is often said that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm, and you have too much enthusiasm and too little anger to ever be truly depressed. Of course, you sometimes worry that your enthusiasm will fade and your anger will fester in your old age and you will be left to grumble and knit in the dual prisons of your decrepid body and your shitty nursery home, but now you are a twenty-six year old woman with a job that takes you places and it seems absurd to entertain such thoughts. You're in your prime! You may have difficulty with connecting to reality sometimes but when you look around at the people so immersed the day-to-day drama that they call life you feel no envy at all. Still...

As the sun sank lower and lower, giving off its last few beams of light, strange colours swirled and swarmed in the sky above, blessing you with their eternal mysteries. Well, you do know, of course, how these colours are produced - you may not specialize in such knowledge but your curiousity led you to do some research into it! But understanding the intricate workings of a sunset doesn't reduce its mysteriousness, in fact, understanding enhanced it. What was that quote? Something like "the larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shores of wonder" or something like that. You read it in a psychology textbook once. Why were you reading a psychology textbook? Well, it had an effect on you anyways. Everything does, you guess. You feel lucky to live in such an interactive world where beings wander around rubbing off on eachother. You giggle to yourself and sit down. Suddenly you hear a large CRASH... Oh no...

You didn't pull the E-brake before you got out of the car. You look down the hill and see that your rental  had rolled down and veered off the road, smashing into one of those nice little trees you had been admiring... Oh shit oh shit!


"FUCK!" You yell out into the emptiness of space. You look around for any farmhouses, but none are in sight. You laugh at yourself. You've certainly got yourself in a situation this time! Now you can't tell yourself that you aren't making your own choices in life, at least. Okay, enough musing, you just crashed your car. And... yes, the sun is completely out of sight now. Okay. Okay. Oh shit.

The End

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