You turn and run back to the car.

Chasing you is the man who opened the farmhouse door. He is dressed as a dog and comes bounding after you, howling and barking. You are very scared. You open the door to your rental. You are then in a panic because it oughtn't to have opened without your first unlocking it. Clearly the locks don't work. Then you realise that you perhaps didn't lock it in the first place. That gets you in a panic, too - the idea that you had carelessly walked away from an unlocked car.

It is then that you realise that what you should be in a panic about is that the owner of the farmhouse is clearly nuts and that he's heading right for you. You stumble and pick up a piece of clay which you cling onto for dear life in case it should be useful.

You drive away from the farmhouse and onto the car ferry that's bobbing up and down on the azure blue glinting sparkling dazzling glistening salty watery sea.

The woman checking the tickets asks you for yours and you say that the dog ate it and point to the dog-man. She nods boredly, bars his entrance and you fare-dodge your way to Dover in England.

Once there a train takes your car to Mill Hill Broadway. (Actually all the cars from this car ferry were due to stop at Hendon but they really would check your ticket there and you haven't got one - you only came here to get away from the dog-man so you left a stop early.)

While wondering what the blue blazes the heck the hell the on Earth the... you know you're going to do you go into the local sweet shop.

You're so relieved to be back in a calm world that all the distractions and the stresses and the strains of the last 36 hours get the better of you and you go a bit nuts yourself. You start to bang each fist alternately down on the ice cream case.

"Come on, don't bang, don't bang," says the shopkeeper.

You ask for the sweets you want and then offer him the lump of clay instead of some coins.

"No. No. No. Money. Money. Money. Come on, money," says the shopkeeper.

You give him the money but you're not done acting like an ass so you keep on saying, "'Bye," and opening the door and closing it again so it keeps on going, 'Ding. Ding. Ding.'

"Don't ding. Don't ding," says the shopkeeper. His wife comes to join him and they both look sternly at you.

You start to pretend you're driving a car.

"Leave cars outside, please," says the shopkeeper's wife.

"Yeah, leave cars outside please," says the shopkeeper adding, "Don't drive. Don't drive. Come on, don't drive. Leave cars outside, please."

"Leave cars outside, please," says his wife as you continue to sit on the floor pretending you're a motor car.

Your fun is short-lived, however, as you hear a sound you'd never wanted to hear again as long as you lived - it's the sound of a man panting in between barking like a dog. You look up, your imaginary steering wheel still in your hands, and there is the owner of the Greek farmhouse gasping for breath as he opens the door to the sweet shop.

'Ding' goes the door as he enters...

The End

10 comments about this story Feed