The Romance of Chris Richards

It is a commonly-known fact that when a human being gets behind the wheel of a car they become involved in a series of events that can take a toll on their stress levels.

It is, however, a less commonly-known fact that when a human being sits in a car being driven down the wrong side of a road in a foreign country with a monkey in the driver's seat this can also take a toll on their stress levels.

I should hesitate to bring such an obscure topic up were it not for the fact that you now find yourself in such a situation.

You fish in your pocket and produce your broken digital watch. You look at it to work out how long you have been in this car and to estimate what time you are going to get home. The fact that your watch ceased to function two days ago is irrelevant as you are going to be in this car for longer than a working digital watch would have guessed - especially as digital watches are not known for guessing anything.

It has often been postulated that given an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters the complete works of Shakespeare would inevitably end up being produced. This is, of course, a hypothesis which it is impossible to test which has led to the conclusion that the people who suggest such things are simply people who don't get invited to a lot of parties and so have so much time on their hands that they create such impossible scenarios.

It has not, to my knowledge, been postulated that given the right monkey and a rental car the car would be driven at speeds such that they could overtake an incredibly agile runner in an out-of-date cloak. That is because this, too, would be impossible and make the suggester of such a concept appear as though they'd never been invited to a party in their life.

The creature who is driving you along the road is, needless to say, not a monkey but a shape-shifting alien from the planet Glarg, a planet famed mainly for the poor quality of its fruit and vegetables and for the ability of its occupants to consume the local flora without being physically sick.

Presently your rental car takes off in a way of which you had previously not conceived but then again who expects their rental cars to take off at all?

The man chasing you catches you up. He explains that the creature who appears to be a monkey has, in fact, not paid his toll. Money on Glarg looks a lot like a broken digital watch from the planet Earth. You hand your watch over with a shrug. The red-faced man opens his eyes in amazement, turns back into his natural form (which closely resembles a long thin line of green slime) and slithers away, pleased that he is now going to be rich beyond his wildest dreams. The monkey-like creature is so pleased with you that he takes you back to his world where you dance all night in a close embrace. You ask him his name. He says it is Chris Richards but then he always says "Chris Richards" to whatever you ask so you don't know if that's his name or not. He presents you with a lovely bunch of rotting alien flowers.

He returns you to Earth smothered in kisses.

You take the flowers to a laboratory. They pay you so much money that you never need to work again. You are rich beyond your wildest dreams.

You go on holiday to Greece the next year. You are back where all this started.

As you turn to the west to face the cliffs far above the azure blue waters of the Ionian Sea, the scorching summer sun sets before you in a cascade of golden flame.

*************************************THE END**********************************

The End

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