You Bolt out the Door and Run Like Hell, Smack Dab Into the Hood of the Rental Car that you had just Recently Parked Outside the House

You awake and survey your surroundings. You are in an oak-panelled room full of wooden chests, wooden stakes, garlic, silver bullets and mirrors.

You see a beautiful young woman and a gorgeous young man, both of whom are fair-haired and are the most perfect-looking, strong, fit, healthy and smooth-skinned people you have ever met. They are each wearing black rubber underwear and... er, nothing else. You fall in love with both of them instantly.

"Oh, you're awake," smiles the young woman. You try nonchalantly to smile back but it turns into a silly giggle.

"Welcome back," she smiles. It is the most amazing smile you have ever known.

The young man comes over and asks if you would like anything to drink. Your heart is pounding away. You can hardly speak but you say that water would be lovely, thank you. He goes away and bends over to fill a gold-rimmed wooden cup up with water flowing from the open-topped wooden pipe whose contents flow glisteningly though the room. You stare at his rear end and then, after a few seconds, cross your legs and stare at the ceiling and try to remember which were the first seven states to join the Confederacy in the 1860s just to distract yourself.

The young man comes back with the water.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Our appearance must be very distressing to you. We have been told by many civilisations that we are the ugliest people in the world. We must accept that. We are not here to look decorative. We are here to fight vampires as we slew your assailants last night."

You tell him that all those civilisations are wrong. He and his friend and the most beautiful human beings you have ever known. He has tears in his eyes and says he cannot believe it. You say that he and his friend are even hotter than your yoga teacher and that you can prove it if he doesn't believe you. You will kiss him and her if they will allow you that honour.

He and his friend look at each other disbelievingly and then shrug. You kiss them both. They are the most exquisite kisses you have ever known. Each one kisses your neck while you give the other the full treatment.

"So," says the young woman, "what brought you to Greece?"

"Travelling salesperson," you stutter.

"What do you sell?" asks the young man.

You talk. They listen. Sometimes they caress you. Sometimes you get into a three-way hug. It is the most amazing time you have ever known. Eventually the young man says that it is late and that you must all go to bed. You climb into bed between the two of them, smiling as you have never smiled before. You start to feel two very minor itches on your neck. You rub the area and forget about it. You are having the most amazing time of your life.

"People always say we are the most polite vampires in the world," says the young man.

You smile at him and nuzzle your nose against his lovely neck.

"You see we bring your life to the height of ecstasy and then take it away," he continues. "But don't worry - your undeadness will be as wonderful as the last moments of your life were."

You're not really listening. You stroke the young woman's breasts as you glance around at the room. The mirrors melt away into nothing; so does the garlic; so do the silver bullets, almost as though they were just illusions. The wooden pipe is still there, though. You look hazily at it. Its contents are actually red, not transparent.

"You invited us into your world, darling," says the young woman.

"You invited us to kiss, my love," says the young man. They laugh. You laugh. You hardly know what's going on anymore. Your teeth feel as though they're getting longer. Those two itches on your neck no longer irritate. They feel right.

"You invited us," he says.

"You invited us," she says.

"You invited us," he says.

"Do you know what?" you ask. "The one kind of food I can't stand is garlic bread. I don't know why I'm thinking that. I can't stand it. Never want to have it again. I want to have you two, though."

You all laugh and hug.

You are now a vampire. A creature of the night. A creature neither of this world nor the next. And it is wonderful.

*£$******^%                                            T H E      E N D                                      %^******$£*

The End

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