A Cop May Retire but He’s Still a Cop

A retiring cop, moves to Italy, despite his two right hand ladies trying to stop him. Little does he now they turn out to be much more than nice girls.

I’mmm Backkk’ screamed Johnny, as he held four police officers hostage after a 12 year stint in jail. ‘Now the next one to move.... WILL DIE’ ‘Come out with your hands up’ shouted the sweaty, tired Inspector David Lychee. ‘NEVER!’ shrieked Johnny.

‘I’m going in.’, lock and loading his gun, decided Lychee. He traipsed through the first floor without a hitch and the second one without delay. Then the third floor, this was it, it was no or never. He kicked the door down, then as if in slow motion, he put 6 bullets into the chest off Johnny.


As he walked down the stairs his right hand ladies, Megan and Robyn were there to meet them. He said two words to them ‘I’m retiring.’ ‘But sir you just can’t go’ said the two girls in unison. ‘I’ve already decided, I’m going to Venice. THE END!’ sternly said Inspector Lychee. ‘I’ve an idea,’ Said Megan the brains of the two. ‘Let’s follow him to Italy, and then persuade him to come back.’ Finished Megan. ‘What a fabulous idea, Megsy.’ Said Robyn how was very easily impressed.

‘Surprise!’ shouted all the staff. ‘O, you should have’ said Inspector Lychee in a state of shock. The people parted, as if Moses was parting the seas and out popped Megan and Robyn with humongous cake, fit for King. ‘Goodbye, Dave’ said Megan, ‘We will miss you’ said Robyn. Each bursting into tears like an overflowing damn. ‘I’m not gone yet’ Said David. And the party began.


‘Vott a wonderful partay.’ Slurred Ex-inspector Lychee barely able to stand on his own two feet, ‘Musht Dasht, gotta flwight to cwatch’ said Lychee, almost tripping out the door. It was a dark night, but the wind wasn’t howling and the moon lit, up the pathways, as half the street lamps weren’t working.

‘OI YOU’ said a shady figure from across the street, ‘Me?’ enquired David, in a bit of a tiz. ‘Yeh you old prune who else d’ya think im talking to?’ he said in a gruff Irish accent, ‘Now give me a fiver or I’ll shank you’ he said coming over so he was face to face with David. ‘Er, here we go’ said David , handing over a fistful of notes and change, most of which he would need for tomorrow. After the incident David went on his way without a hitch.

~                      ~                      ~


‘Oh, bugger’ said the worried David, it was 9:30 and his flight was in an hour and thirty minutes. He quickly sprayed some deodorant on, whipped out a suit from his wardrobe, put it on and jumped out the door. ‘Aw man’ said David, walking out with his slippers on. He ran back in put some normal shoes on and went into his car, heading straight for the airport.

He arrived at Heathrow, with minutes to spare, checked and was placed on one of those carts, were he was taken speedily to his airplane, were the stewardess rushed him into his first class seat, and then a swift safety briefing and after that they were in the sky. Unbeknown to Lychee his to right hand girls were in business tailing him.


’18, 19, 20, 21, 22, aahh here we are casa dolce casa1!’ said David Lychee, who had been practicing his Italian, no longer an Inspector, just a retired man. Meanwhile, Megan and Robyn were unpacking 2 doors down at number 20. ‘Here we are the bugs, the gun... Anything else?’ Asked Megan. ‘Nothing else,’ replied Robyn, ‘Oh wait, the CCTV!’ exclaimed Robyn. ‘Now let’s get busy’ they called in unison.

~                      ~                      ~


Megan and Robyn may seem like your average girls, but they weren’t they were criminal and murderous masterminds .No one, ever sacks these two unless they have a death wish.

Extract from the book, Which Criminals to Avoid and Why?

~                      ~                      ~


It was 2:00 am and the girls, had been setting up all day. They’d bugged every room in David’s house and put mini CCTV up. Now all they had to do was wait, but they weren’t going to kill him just yet, they wanted to play with their food.


Noon and David had just got up, he had just started singing what a wonderful world by Louis Armstrong. He hopped in the shower and for the first time in a very long time, he was enjoying himself. Not that he didn’t enjoy his time in the police force, it was the fact that it was boring and was dealing with the same things. GBH or burglary, no armed robberies or bank heist like in the

Films. This had been why he wanted to become a police man. Anyway David had all ready decided his day, a nice swim in the pool, a sunbath, and then out to dinner. The shopping could wait.


‘Oh No!!!’ cried David as he’d fallen asleep at the pool, and was red as a lobster. So instead of the dinner plans, he went straight to bed and decided that the shopping would be done tomorrow.


David Lychee got up bright and early so the heat of the sun would not be on him, he’d rented out a car, and would drive to D'Agostino Supermarket, and do his weekly shopping. But, like in Britain, David always had to write a shopping list. He sat there for around thirty minutes, thinking of what he should buy and by 9:30am he left. In his car, he made up a little poem; it went a bit like this:


            D'Agostino Supermarket, where I shall buy,

            Spaghetti, prawns and an apple pie,

            D'Agostino Supermarket, where I shall obtain,

            Cheese, broccoli and some chicken chow mein,

            D'Agostino Supermarket, where I shall get,

            A fantabulous dinner set. 


In the meantime, ‘Arghh he singing was of those god awful poems’ said Robyn covering her ears. ‘Well I think that there quite good as long as you have and intellectual mind, like moi’ declared Robyn. ‘Well you listen then’ answered Megan.


Back to David Lychee, he was roaming around D'Agostino Supermarket, looking for some cabbage, for cabbage was his most favourite thing in the whole world. ‘Ah ha, found you, couldn’t get away from Uncle Lychee,’ thought David, never liking to share his fetish for cabbage, as he loaded his trolley full with the stuff. ‘Phew that took a long time,’ he noticed, ‘the time was now 10:50, and he had to get back before 12:00, otherwise his red raw skin, will stay like it forever, not a pretty thought’ contemplated Lychee.

            ~                      ~                      ~


4 days later

‘Let’s get him now, I’m bored of this waiting game’ moaned Robyn, as well as being stupid, she was very impatient. ‘Okay, Okay,’ responded Robyn ‘We’ll get him tonight’ said Robyn in a very sinister fashion.


For the time being David Lychee was still oblivious that he was being hounded by two of the world’s most dangerous and wanted criminals. Luckily, apart from bringing himself and clothes to Italy, he had also bought his Walther P38, with him or Wonderful Walter as he like to call it. This was always kept under his pillow. For his first meal in Venice, he decided tom make it a special one, having three courses. To start with he had cabbage soup, just like his mum used to make. For his main course he had a nice Ditalini con Piselli, or Ditalini pasta with peas. And for desert he had his ultimate pudding a Banofee Pie. After dinner he decided to sit down and watch novità 24 or News 24.


2:58 am

Scratch. Scratch. Chink. Clunk. Clunk. They were in. Robyn and Megan had got into David’s house with ease. But now they had to creep downstairs with complete silence one wrong move and David would be up and his Walther P38 in his hand. The only problem was the floorboards creaked like they were in a shack. 

Creak. Creak. Creak.

Downstairs David was close to waking because he wasn’t a very deep sleeper. In fact, every time a train went past in England, he would wake bolt upright, with the pistol in his hand.

Creak. Creak. Creak.

‘Shhhhhh’ whispered Megan as Robyn tried to be as quiet as possible, but just couldn’t. ‘Wait here.’ Murmured Megan to Robyn. But the inevitable happened; Robyn tripped over and broke to ornate and priceless vase.

Downstairs David jumped out of bed, grabbed the Walther and ran to the stairs were he fired of 6 rounds; two into the assassins’ legs and one in her shoulder and the second assassin got two bullets in the arm and one square on her knee cap.

‘Arrrgghhhh’ screamed the two girls as the fell to their knees in complete agony. 

David grabbed his mobile and dialled 113 and said in fluent Italian ‘Posso avere la polizia e l’ambulanza per favour. C’e stata una sparatoria e dire loro la sua urgenza2’

The newspaper headlines the next morning were:

‘Foiled At Last’ and ‘Ex-cop Overpowers Criminal Masterminds’





1 casa dolce casa is home sweet home

2 Posso avere la polizia e l’ambulanza per favour. C’e stata una sparatoria e dire loro la sua urgenza is Can I have the police and ambulance please. There has been a shooting and tell them it’s urgent.

The End

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