The Obsessive Girlfriend

You’re the girlfriend that nobody wants. You call every five minutes and obsess over every little thing. I don’t have any idea what I saw in you when we started dating, but whatever it was, the glamour has long since worn off.

My friends are girls. So what? I haven’t slept with any of them, just so you know. We hang out, we talk, we play video games. I cannot begin to comprehend why you assume they are flirting with me, or vice versa. I have been nothing but loyal to you in all of your endeavors, no matter how foolish they may seem. I loved you, once.

You are not a squid, so don’t act like one. While your enthusiasm for the relationship is appreciated, I don’t enjoy having you attached to me every time we make an appearance in public. It’s hard to walk while being climbed on like a jungle gym.

I cannot reply to your text messages every time you send me one. I want to make you feel better if you have had a bad day, but I don’t want to hear about the new pair of pants you bought. That’s what your friends are for. 

I have a life apart from you. I’m sorry that I am sometimes busy when you want to do something. When I have made previous plans, I will not break them just for you unless it’s important. This is merely common courtesy.

The strange pet names you call me are not cute. “Honeycakes” and “Sweetie-hoo” make a sharp wave of cold fear trickle down my spine. Please, please, please stop.

You dress like a slut. I don’t want to every little piece of you when you are wearing clothes. Seriously, clothes are meant to conceal, not reveal, and there are some things I just don’t want to see while eating dinner with you in an expensive restaurant. You make yourself look ridiculous just to please me and I am not pleased, therefore, I know your parents aren’t.

When we go to dances together I don’t need you grinding all over me like an exotic dancer. If I wanted that, I would pay you. Not everything needs to be sexy, a good slow dance now and then would be extremely entertaining. By “slow dance” I don’t mean I want you grinding slower, I mean something like a waltz.

I respect you as a human being, which is why I haven’t cheated on you. Although I can assure you that once you receive this letter, I will again be looking for girls who can respect themselves. This relationship is not only unhealthy for me, but for you also. Unless you can learn to live without me every minute of every day, I cannot possibly allow you to use me as your reason for life. That is a responsibility that I cannot possibly bear. If you want to talk about this, you are certainly welcome to after you have found yourself, but until then, this is goodbye.

The End

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