America's Professor of Common Sense

Almost everyone looked up from their barbecued chicken and corncobs when Sarah Palin's jet soared over their heads with an almighty rumble. As it passed over Glenn Beck standing on the steps of the Memorial, Palin leapt out of the plane in a Wonder Woman costume, pointing the M-16 around in circles and pretending to shoot everyone, probably going "bang bang!" although you couldn't hear her for the crowd. Then she released a gigantic American-flag parachute and glided down toward the make-shift stage.

As the crowd began to realize who the parachuter was, a roar of frantic applause and "whoop whoop"s greeted her. Palin descended in a haze of triumph and self-satisfaction. For who, but for her, would be there to rescue the hardworking Americans when their beloved Glenn Beck finally turned on them? She had known all along that this would happen, I feel sure of it. How else would she have known to wear the Wonder Woman costume underneath her Harley jacket? Caught up in the moment, and without a particular plan for what to do otherwise, she landed smack-dab in front of Glenn Beck and promptly slapped him in the face.

The hushed silence that followed wasn't ever heard, because a lot of people were still talking about how to get their daughters some un-guitar lessons, and bragging about their son's most recent C in business school. But the ones that were watching the stage, those ones fell quiet, and imagined a dramatic hushed silence where they could LITERALLY feel the tension. Literally cut it with a knife.

"Why, uh... Hello there, Mrs. Palin!" said Beck bigly, with his arms flapping and stuff, like he does. "To what, do I owe, the pleasure?"

Then for a brief moment, everyone who was watching this, both on TV and in the crowd, thought that Sarah Palin was about to kiss Glenn Beck. It was quite shocking, and some people were deeply turned on for a minute there. But she was actually just leaning in to speak into his collar mic.

"Gow ta hell, Glenn Beck, go back where ya came from! America doesn't need your hippie lib'ral flip-flopping anymore, DO WE, AMERICA!?!?!?!?"

Beck recoiled in pain at the volume of her shouting. And awkwardly, America didn't seem to quite get what she was talking about. But Beck wasn't close enough for her to reach his mic again, so she just stood there and flapped her arms. It took them a minute, but eventually some of them started cheering and laughing. Palin always was a funny jokester. They loved her for that.

Glenn Beck's laughter soon drowned out the others' though, and he said, "Sarah Palin, everybody!" He approached her tentatively, grabbed her hand and raised it into the air with his; a meaningless gesture that had everyone clapping vigorously and choking on their "whoop!"s.

But she was too quick for him. With her free hand she snatched the mic from his collar and bellowed into it, "Why are you clapping for him?! Didn't you just hear all the liberal horse crap he just told you? Glenn Beck is an evil, liberal, monster, and he's changing sides right when America needs him the most! To hell with you, Beck!"

The liberals at home smiled at each other and grabbed more popcorn.

But Beck wasn't going to let her win. A guy from the sound crew had already handed him a second mic, which he calmly attached to his collar and tapped lightly to test, before speaking.

"Ahem," he began. Palin glared at him, but didn't interrupt. He had always seemed rather intimidating to her. It was probably the glasses and the professor-look.

"Thank you all for coming out here today! America needs you like never before, and we WILL win back our country and the cash bar is now free! Mrs. Palin, may I have word?"

With the crowd distracted and his microphone off, he looked at Mrs. Palin with those big Glenn-Beck-eyes that she had never been able to resist. Reluctantly she turned off her mic too. Beck raised an eyebrow and held out his hand expectantly. Palin hesitated for a second, staring at his outstretched hand, but then she crumbled under the pressure and gave him the mic, while stamping her foot on the floor to express her frustration.

"Sarah," he said, in a volume that only she could hear, but this part did eventually get recorded word-for-word because some expert lip-readers had been watching it on TV. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

She gaped at him, exasperated. "Whatdya think I'm doing? I'm protecting the America people from your massive flip-flopping liberal hysteria, what the hell are YOU doing?!"

"Sarah, Sarah... They didn't hear that," said Glenn patiently, as if talking to someone AT LEAST two standard reading levels below her. And so it was that he explained to her that all of the people who were THERE were not listening, and the only people who were listening were the people who were NOT there, and that it was kind of like Opposite Day, in a way. She nodded, mouth hung open and brain gears spinning, but she still didn't understand.

"But, why would you want to talk to the liberals?"

"Because they're half the country! You don't expect me to take over the country with only half the people supporting me, do you?" He laughed his mocking laugh, and she felt ashamed.

"Well... but..." she stuttered. "But, sooner or later they're gonna be pissed when they find out you don't really believe in free pot and health care and all that other stuff you said. You... you don't really believe in that, do you?" She closed her eyes, praying for the right answer, bracing herself for the worst.

When he didn't answer for a few seconds, she opened her eyes, and saw Glenn's face, for the first time, more shocked than her own.

He furrowed his brow and said, "Are you telling me, that you believe all the right-wing stuff?"

- - -

Heart crushed, brain frazzled, she could do nothing but stare at him for those last remaining minutes; and as he didn't seem to want to say anything more either, she eventually turned and walked, dejected, down the steps of the memorial. 

Then she realized there was a happy mob with a free cash bar down there, so she quickly fled back up the steps and waited for her jet to come pick her up and take her home to Todd. Todd would know what to do.

The End

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