Glenn Beck has a Dream

8 minutes in-- and only 2 to go-- (because it was 10 minutes, and 10-8=2), burrito-guy had started to pack things up from around the desk. Sarah Palin still sat in front of him, M-16 propped up between her legs, drumming her fingers on the arm of the chair. She wasn’t sure why he was packing his things, but had a hunch that he was intending to run away and pretend that he had not been the person on duty today. And that suited her just fine.

But at that exact moment, something happened that would turn the tables on poor Mrs. Palin… something drastic, unexpected, even “monumental”. It pains me to tell you this part of the story. Those were dark days. 

All at once, burrito-guy stopped packing his things, and Sarah Palin stopped drumming her fingers, and together they looked up at a nearby television which had suddenly turned itself on. They didn’t know this at the time, but all around the country, every television had turned itself on at that precise moment. Every single person in the country-- whether liberal stoner or loyal American-- looked up curiously at the nearest TV and saw the same broadcast.

Glenn Beck stood haughtily on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, arms widespread, welcoming the mob that was gathered before him.

“I have a dream!” he shouted.

The mob quieted down at these first words. Most of them thought they had a clue what to expect from this speech, because Beck’s rhetoric was usually pretty standard and easy to digest. He’d tell them all not to listen to what other people told them to do, and he’d tell them to trust their instincts and already-established opinions rather than challenging them-- and that was all quite easy to do. It was very reassuring to hear such a powerful and trustworthy person say this to them over and over again, and that’s why they were here today. Beck had said it would be a momentous event, and that it would “restore the honor” and that there would be free barbecue.

The speech wasn’t starting out quite the way they had expected, though. Indeed, most of them were surprised at this obvious mockery of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous speech. Sure, it was the anniversary of that speech, and they were gathered in the same location where it had been given, but Beck had assured them all-- and many of them had in turn vehemently assured all the black people they knew-- that this was entirely unintentional. (And besides, he was going to stand SEVERAL steps down from where King had stood.)

Some of them laughed as if Beck were making a joke, and many of them were busy socializing or eating barbecue, and didn’t actually hear him. The ones that were listening, however, wondered vaguely how they were going to justify this to their black friends, and thus were too lost in thought to listen to the rest of Beck’s words. This was all okay since they already knew basically what he was going to say.

Everyone else, on the other hand, hadn’t a clue what this was all about. They goggled at their magical TVs in mild curiosity.

“I have a dream that one day, in this greatest best country that God has ever given man on the face of this Earth, all Americans will be treated equally. I have a dream that one day, they will all have equal access to free health care and uneducation, and that they will have the right to praise God in whatever language and religion they choose, and marry whomever they wish. That they will be free to use whatever drugs they desire; that they can dance if they want to, and they can leave their friends behind. I have a DREAM, ladies and gentlemen! And I’m not afraid to use it!”

The pot-smoking liberals could hardly believe their ears. Glenn Beck? Glenn Beck, the loud, annoying conservative talk show host that they never watched, but frequently heard about on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Here he was, preaching their values. Was he changing sides? Or was it all just a joke? Was the crowd laughing hysterically? They couldn’t tell, because the camera was fixed on Beck’s face. They continued watching their TVs, daring-- for the first time-- to believe the Truth.

By the end of the speech, it was abundantly clear to the liberals. Glenn Beck had been lying to his conservative audience this whole time. He didn’t believe all that stupid crap he kept shoving down their throats. He didn’t fear that the liberal agenda was slowly leading them into the pits of Hell. He didn’t even hate Woodrow Wilson all that much! He’d just been gaining their trust, winning them over by telling them what they wanted to hear, so that when the time was right, he could reveal his true colors and unite the world in peace with them behind him. What an inspiring genius! He actually did deserve to move up a few steps to where MLK had stood. But he didn’t, and he was even more of a man for it.

Many of the liberals set their bongs aside long enough to tweet to each other about their newfound respect for Glenn Beck. And almost instantaneously, 95% of the hippie population became devoted Glenn Beck supporters.

Meanwhile, the crowd of his previous loyal followers were still chatting, eating barbecue and thinking about how Glenn Beck is so right that the liberals in power are gay Nazis. When they got home, they were going to brag to their bridge club that they’d gotten to attend this rally.

And so it came to pass that Glenn Beck gained the support of the majority of liberals in the country, without losing any of his conservative support. That totaled about 94% of the whole country, and the rest were probably just illegal immigrants who didn’t understand his English.

Burrito-guy had managed to flee the scene without being noticed by Mrs. Palin. She was staring fixedly at the screen, aghast. She had always greatly admired Glenn Beck, who she had once described as “America’s professor of common sense”. He had taught her nearly everything she knew! And here he was, switching sides. How dare he. She made a disgusted face and picked up her gun. This was going to be her moment to shine, too, and he had stolen it right out from under her nose!

It was on. This was Sarah Palin’s country now; she had the piece of paper to prove it. And as such, it was her duty to defend it from this flip-flopping liberal maniac. She left her capitol building, got in her private jet, and told her pilot, “Take me to that there Lincoln Memorial, pronto.”

The End

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