Palin's Governmental Takeover Plan

"I, Sarah Palin, do hereby acknowledge that I intend to overthrow the government of the United States, and do request, upon delivery of the attached $5 fee, that the ruling parties therein forfeit their positions to me so that I may proceed without the use of violent or otherwise immoral acts."

It was the most brilliant governmental takeover plan of the 21st century. Let me explain.

By that time, the smart folks from the Resistance had made the difficult decision to forfeit D.C., and had dispatched to either Alaska or Hawaii to avoid the toxic fumes from the mainland. Thus, 40% of America were loyal Paliners living in Alaska and Hawaii, under the direct supervision of the Palin family. The vast majority of them were uneducated, and they were all fearful of the rising hippie population on the mainland-- not realizing that they themselves were by far the more threatening force. Because did I mention they were really good with guns? They were effectively an army on standby, divvied up into platoons led by the 9 Palin children, and ready as hell to do their former governor's bidding. Even though they didn't know it.

(By the way, that guy who was their current Governor? They suspected him of having secret intentions to join the Californian crusade. So forget about him. But he wasn't their true leader anyway, just a governor. Just a target for the evil Media to feast their fangs into so they'd keep leaving the poor Palin kids alone.)

The other 60% of America were pot-smoking liberals who couldn't care less about government anyway, as long as they got their fix. All they did was vote blacks, gays, Jews, and women into offices and let THEM handle all their problems, while they sat at home and smoked more pot and watched their TV programs on their Internets.

It was all too easy. Those lazy hippies couldn't have fought one member of the Palin Army if their Bubba Kush depended on it. And there was nothing the Liberal Media could do to stop her either, because all of its viewers were independent thinkers and optimists who would never believe the Truth long enough to rally together and fight for anything. Whereas the Palins' trusty Fox News network preached to gullible, fearful, hardworking Americans who actually listened to their authorities and would do their bidding without question. There was no contest. And the actual United States Military was so busy bringing peace to other countries, that they didn't even notice when Mrs. Palin landed her jet in D.C. and marched into the Capitol Building to present her legal application for federal takeover.

"What's this?" said the guy at the desk she had brought it to, through a mouthful of burrito.

"Well that there's my Subversive Activities Registration form, then, isn't it?" said Mrs. Palin.

Burrito-guy goggled at her for a minute before squirting a large dollop of Mild sauce onto his next bite.

"So wait, what are you registering for?"

"Subversive activities, Einstein," said Mrs. Palin humorously. "This IS the right desk, isn't it? Who's supposed to take the $5 fee?"

"Five dollars?" said Burrito-guy. "Yeah, this is the right desk. Just uh, I guess, sign here..." 

He presented her with a clipboard full of names and times. She checked her watch and signed it jovially, then handed him the form and un-paperclipped the $5 for him.

"Alrighty then! So I'm in charge now?" 


"Well," she explained, as if to a child, "It says right here on page 11-A that if I'm not arrested within 10 minutes after applying, my request goes through, and if anyone wants to appeal it, they must wait 24 hours, and of course then they must abide by the new system I've established for handling such appeals. That's correct, isn't it?"

"Um..." Burrito-guy was clearly in over his head. "Um, sure."

"Great! So I'll just wait around for 10 minutes and make sure no one arrests me, and if they do, I'll just blow their brains out with my M-16 here, and pretty soon that'll have been legal!" She pulled out a chair and sat across from him while he finished his burrito, amused that he was evidently too stoned to realize he might shoulda called the cops. It was in this moment, among other moments, when she knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, she was doing the right thing for her country.

As Mrs. Palin sat twirling her hair with her finger, Burrito-guy finished his burrito and realized that he was now faced with perhaps the most important decision of his life; and he was definitely trying to think about how to convince his brain to figure out what to do about it.

The End

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