A Brief History of the World before Sarah Palin was Empress of it

We may never know the real reasons why Sarah Palin decided to resign her post as Governor of Alaska. Could she possibly have foreseen everything that happened? Could she have known the magnitude of the effect this would have on Alaska, the United States, and eventually, the world? Well, I think so. But that's only my opinion. 

I've been a true Paliner from the beginning. I don't say that to gloat-- only to establish my credibility in relating this history to you. I am not some newbie Palin "fan" who only jumped on board AFTER it was the cool thing to do. No, not me. I was there. 

We humble average Americans can't conceive the depth of this monumental decision, but Mrs. Palin did at least give us one good reason-- which SHOULD have satisfied everyone, had they been wise enough to realize it. Her kids. 

As governor of Alaska, the entire nation's attention was, understandably, fixed upon her and her children. Were they obeying their mother's laws? Were they practicing abstinence-only sex? Were they gay? Were they actually planning to go out wearing that?

Sarah Palin, America's only true maverick, was the first person to realize that this was damaging to a child's development, and needed to be stopped at all costs. Her children, being of course, the children of mavericks, had an incredible amount of potential. The thought that the media could be affecting their lives, suppressing the greatness that was to come of them-- well, it was unnerving. And all for the position of governor of Alaska?

Critics may argue and whine like the little b*tches their parents raised them to be, but the proof is in the pudding mix. After Sarah stepped down, the nation did finally stop attacking her kids-- Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig, Algebra, Fern, Lobster, and Peanut-Butter. (And their dogs, Jessica and Michael.) 

Without the media cramping their style, the Palin kids experienced the first true freedom they had ever known. In the summer of 2010, all 9 of the Palin kids teamed up and formed a coalition to organize Alaska's "Unorganized Borough." The formerly rural, sparsely populated region that made up over half the state, became a thriving statewide metropolis, beginning when the Palins launched the world's first Anti-University.

College and high school graduates from all over Alaska flocked to this fine facility to be uneducated and reacquainted with reality, family, drill-baby-drill, and other important social phenomena. It was a major undertaking, but through strength and perseverance, in only a few short years, the Palins had completely erased the stigma that had been placed on these impressionable youth by the evil media and mad scientists. Finally, Alaskans were able to spend the majority of their time hunting buffalo and being abstinent. 

Meanwhile, seemingly as a coincidence-- although I wouldn't put it past Mrs. Palin to have foreseen this all along-- the barbaric, brainwashed Californians, having completely lost their grip on sanity, in an effort to distance themselves from the rest of America no doubt, legalized marijuana. Ah, humanity! The inevitable love, sex, and chaos quickly spread from California to Vegas, and soon Nevada joined forces with California in their maniacal jihad against my country tis-of-the. 

If it hadn't been for Alaska, who knows where the few remaining sane average Joe Six-Packs would have gone to escape the lazy, sexy anarchy. Walmarts could only house them for so long, before they ran out of six packs. But fortunately for the world, the Palin kids had just opened up their second campus, and the rest of Alaska's students were in desperate need for more un-teachers.

The vast majority of the Californian refugees (all of them being perfectly qualified for this job) showed up in Alaska, weathered and beaten, but ready to fight for their freedom once and for all. With more eager un-teachers came more students, which required more un-teachers, and the cycle continued as millions of refugees from the rest of the country fled to Alaska after narrowly escaping the deadly contact high that was creeping steadily eastward every day.

While the midwest was flailing around helplessly watching the potheads turn their children gay, a decently sized opposition on the east coast was forming a stronghold in Washington, D.C. They weren't stable enough to go about their daily business like the Alaskans were doing, but they were at least able to have occasional barbecues in the White House lawn. And since they still controlled the airports, they enjoyed frequent vacations to the unaffected Hawaiian islands.

Peanut-Butter, the youngest of the Palin children, was the first to reach out to Hawaii. While she was in Honolulu for Spring Break, she spoke to an enthusiastic crowd of Hawaiians which consisted mainly of vacationers from D.C. In this speech, Peanut-Butter welcomed them all to move to Alaska, which was rapidly increasing in area, because Global Warming was a lie, and the ice was actually expanding, not melting. 

"Come on over 'an we'll do ya good!" she promised. "And if any-a those darn lovey-dovey weirdos show up on Wasilla Main Street, we'll just blow their high heads off with our guns then, won't we?" 

She had her mother's gift for words. Soon an alliance was formed between Alaska, Hawaii, and Washington D.C. But trouble was already brewing in the nation's capital. Obama and the hippies were gaining on them, and the hardworking middle class Americans were losing control.

While Peanut-Butter and her siblings continued to recruit more Americans and offer them tax cuts and reasonably priced uneducation in exchange for unconditional loyalty, the Mrs. Sarah Palin herself was onto an even more ambitious plan.

Now, by this time, the Federal Government had (naturally) adopted South Carolina's brilliant "Subversive Activities Registration Act," which requires all persons seeking to overthrow the government to fill out a registration form and pay a $5 fee. Sarah Palin went where no man had ever gone before her. (All three previous applicants had been arrested for attempting to take over the government.) But Mrs. Palin... she saw that coming. With Alaska (now nearly 40% of America) behind her, she was positively too big to fail.

The End

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