89-year-old woman arrested for keeping football sues neighboursMature

Mary walked over to her neighbour’s house, ready to rain hell all over the place. Minutes earlier her four-year son had run home in tears, screaming that someone had taken his new toy football. Mary figured it was the brat grandchild that was staying with his grandparents for part of his summer vacation. Since she didn’t trust herself to not tear a strip off the child himself she thought it best to dole out large quantities of ‘who the hell are you to let your grandchild terrorize my innocent son and take his new football two days after he got it for his birthday!’ to the old grandmother.

She reached the door still furious and rapped the door knocker as hard as she could, then listened for the footsteps inside. After thirty seconds of door-beating she finally heard the slow shuffling of an elderly person and readier herself for attack.

“Hello, may I help you dear?” asked the old woman from behind the door which she had opened only a sliver.

“I sure hope so,” she yelled. “It seems your snotty little grandchild took my sons brand new football away from him and I’m here to get it back.”

“Well surely we can deal with situation calmly sweetie, can’t we?” she goaded, seemingly trying to make her voice quiver and seem older and weaker than she was.

“We could have if that punk had never taken the ball in the first place, but my son is at home in tears and I’m not having a good day, or a good week or even month for that matter so it is much to late for ‘calmly sweetheart’ you old bitch.”

She momentarily caught the old woman off guard but she recovered quickly, closing her mouth and narrowing her eyes. “My grandson didn’t take the ball from your weak, despicable girl of a boy,” she said to Mary.

“Oh he didn’t,’ she said, not backing down for a second. “Then who you crazy witch, do you suppose did? Was it the tooth fairy? Or maybe you’re a little more intimate with Prince Polident, is that who it was?”

“Oh how clever of you, young woman. You thought of as product that an old person would use and then alliterated your way to a new title. You are such an original person. But alas, it was not your dear Prince Polident.”

“Don’t get snarky with me. I’m not afraid to go toe to toe with an old hag. If it wasn’t him, then who exactly was it—just get to it woman or I’ll knock your block off.”

The old woman opened the door and threw off her long housecoat, revealing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey that looked three hundred years old. Then, she moved her second arm from behind her back. “It was me you skanky douche.”

By now, many of the neighbours had heard the shouting and had come out to the edges of their lawn to watch the spectacle.

“You all heard that!” Mary yelled to the crowd. “You’re all witnesses to this old woman robbing an innocent little child of his football.”

“And maybe you all heard this as well: your son is a homosexual you deviant little hooker!” the woman yelled. “He throws a football like a ballerina with no arms. I even asked him to tackle me when I stole it from him and you know what he did? He cried like a sissy.”

“Yeah we heard that too and we’re going to remember it when the police come and make you give that ball back,” one man yelled from his lawn, brave enough to speak up against the old woman but not enough to actually take the football back from her.

“You’re going to be waiting for a long time then people ‘cause I’m not leaving my house and I’m sure as hell not giving that little wimp back his ball.”

The sirens in the near distance though were telling a different story.

“Uh oh,” she said, slipping the house coat back on and before throwing the football through her front window. “We’ll se what happens now she said in her quivering old person voice, looking straight at Mary.

The police arrived on the scene a little over a minute later and buoyed by the crowd, made their way to the front door.

“Oh hello dear, how can I help you?” asked the old woman, answering in her sweet old tones.

“We have had numerous reports that this morning you physically assaulted a child.”

“Oh dear me, no you must mean the woman across the street,” she said pointing at Mary. “I hear scream coming from that house all the time.”

“Don’t listen to her! She’s a liar!” cried the throng of people now assembled on the edge of the old woman’s lawn.

“Then we received even more reports that you verbally assaulted practically the whole neighbourhood,” the officer continued, undaunted by the granny’s dramatics.

“Oh that’s pure horseradish,” she shot back, teetering on the edge of her prior hysterics. “The young boy across the street threw a football through my window and I must have yelled an obscenity in my shock at having shards of glass scattered about my good vinyl floor.”

“Oh dear ma’am, I’m so sorry we bothered you, there were just so many complaints. I guess neighbours can be a little too nosy for their own good can’t they,” said the officer, fooled by the pile of glass he could see piled on the kitchen floor.

“I don’t blame them,” she said loud enough for everyone to hear. “They all look like they lead very boring lives.”

As the police officer started to walk away, the crowd sighed in unison, unable to believe that the old bag was going to get away with her mistreatment of a child and his mother.

“You won’t get away with this you scraggly tit!” someone yelled.

“I just did you smelly arse, look at them walking away,” the old woman yelled back, momentarily showing the temper that had her in the hairy situation in the first place. “I mean, my back hurts and I need to lie down pass me my walker, I’ve fallen and can’t get up.”

But the damage had already been done and the police realized they had been duped.

“Listen you mistletoe firecracker, we don’t like being conned,” said one angry cop, grabbing her roughly by the arm and dragging her bare-footed across the glass-strewn floor. “And we definitely don’t like being conned by a no-good hussy like you.”

They then took her to their car and threw her into the back seat, her yelling the whole way:

“You’re all going to die for this butt huggers! I’m going to sue the shit right out of your asses!”

The End

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