I Hate this Planet!Mature

'I hate this.'

For once, I wasn't bothered when Samael sighed at me, 'That makes 738 repetitions of that in 48 hours. Are you going for a record?'

'Don't get smart with me!' I tried to growl at him and nearly bit my tongue off when it came out as a whine. 'I really hate this!'

'It's not all bad sir.'

'How is this not all bad?' I tried to gesture at myself with a paw and ended up batting myself in the face. 'I'm a midgety black ball of poof that looks useless and just sounds pitiful! The demons are all laughing at me down in Hell, and don't try and deny it because when one of them appears I can fucking hear the party going on down there!'

'They're celebrating the coming of the Apocalypse sir.'

'What coming? We have three feathers to find seven scolls, do the maths!'

'Couldn't you just re-use them?' His frown turned into something flushed when he saw the look on my face. 'That's a no then.'

'The grace unleashed when breaking the seals would burn them up. Besides we have no one innocent enough to touch the scrolls, never mind open them!'

Samael bit his lip and I collapsed onto the cushion placed on the desk we found in an abandoned office. 'Okay, so silver lining. You look cute.'

'Cute?' My eyes locked with his, and I swear he winced at the contact, 'The ruler of Hell, bringer of the Apocalypse and Heaven's enemy number one is cute? How the fuck is that a silver lining?'

'Ok, that's enough.' Samael reached out and placed a hand on either side of my body, lifting me into the air. I scrabbled for purchase on anything to stop but all that happened was my claws pulled my pillow closer to the edge of the desk.

'See?' I craned my head towards him as he placed me on his lap, 'Small and pitiful.'

'Will you shush?'

'What did you just say?' Samael rolled his eyes and that just made my blood boil, 'How fucking dare you...' A hand brushed over my back and I felt my muscles go limp. 'Samael what are you...' The motion repeated and my body seemed to obey some instinct I didn't even know I had. My legs tucked themselves under my body and I lied down his lap, my head resting against cold armour. As his fingers started scratching behind my ears a small observation crept into my head, 'What is that vibrating sound?'

Samael smiled, 'That's you, sir.'

'Oh.' Another pause in thought, then, 'Why am I vibrating?'

'I believe the term is purring. And it's because you're enjoying something. For once.'

'Interesting,' I know I should have shouted at him for that last comment, but I really don't want to move too much. Except to try one thing. 'Can you do that to my front?' Once he stopped I made myself roll over and he starts again. 'I can say one thing I've learnt from this, Samael.'

'Only one thing sir?' 

'Yes. Your armour is really cold.'

He chuckled and moved his fingers around my neck, 'I'll send for a blanket.'

'Can it be purple?'

'Of course sir.'

I would have been content to lie there all day, especially if I had a blanket to stay warm on, except a familiar smell crept in from under the door. Sulphur and whiskey reached us and my nose wrinkled. 'A scout? Now?' I sighed as I rolled onto my front and hopped back onto the desk, 'This better be good.' There was a little scuffling outside, then the door burst open and a human burst through the door, 'Sir! We found...'

'What on earth are you wearing?' I know it was irrelevant, but sometimes something shocks you and a comment just slips right out.

'Ummm...' He looked at himself, flecks of the possessing demon shining out for split seconds before vanishing again, 'A teenager, I think. Calls himself a Satanist.'

'Not that, I meant the red thing.' I gestured as what I would only assume was a cloak with sleeves. In a ridiculous scarlet colour as well, I might add. 'Wait. Did you say Satanist?'

'Yes sire,' Samael spoke up, slipping into formal-face-in-front-of-the-demons-mode like it was nothing. 'It's the name of a cult of humans who reject the notions of God and choose instead to follow the path of freedom that you represent. I think.'

'Ooh. Can I brand them?'

'Actually, I think some of them pray for it.' Samael smiled at me slightly and I couldn't help but grin. Finally, something fun on this planet.

'Sire, please.' I turned back to the demon, 'I found the angel.'

'What? Where is he?'

'Well, it seems he has allies, sire.'

I stepped forward and the demon stepped back. Good, at least not all of them laugh at me then. 'Excuse me?'

'There were hybrids there. Two of them. Named him as their property and...'

'They did what?!' 

'Sire, please.' I turned to Samael, ready to unleash whatever damage I could still do, 'The hybrids don't exist anymore. They've been wiped out by themselves, humans and us.'

'Well obviously you didn't read the company newsletter! I came up to a full camp of them! And at the moment they're more powerful than our demons by three to one. And I can't risk my full army, I need numbers. Shit! I hate this fucking planet!' I growled, actually growled, and a wave of something came out of me that blasted my pillow to pieces and left the demon cowering. Right. Good. Not entirely useless. But I needed to get stronger, fast.

'Samael. Find the Circle. Tell them to leave the warding to the apprentices, they need ingredients for a spell that locates holy objects. Tell them the grace is covered, but they need everything else.'

'You're locating the scrolls now sire?'

'Yes, now! Did I make you my lieutenant to ask fucking questions or to work? Now move!' Samael ran out the door and I faced the demon now. 'Where is the angel now?'

'Probably with the girls sire.'


'Yes. After I abandoned the angel the male hybrid left and the female dragged him off. Probably to the cafe the angel's human friend owns.'


'Yes sire.'

'Well get her possessed so she can bring the angel in.' God, stupid demons!

'We can't sire. Her spark's too bright.' 

My head shot up. 'Her spark? How bright is it?'

'I can't enter her cafe, sire.'

I smiled, 'Does she know about angels and hybrids.'

'I doubt it sire. And hybrids don't like humans so they...'

'...would have left her behind.' Okay, today was definitely turning into a good day. 'I think it's time we have a chat with this girl. We don't want her to be left alone in the middle of a town. She could get into all sorts of trouble.'

The End

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