5 StagesMature

I sat in the pew, in a daze. Was this really happening? Was my grandmother really dead? Yes, she was. It was terrible and unexpected for me. Last weekend we were playing in the pool with my little sister. This weekend I’m at her funeral. No, she can’t be gone! This is all a dream and I know it! I begin pinching myself, trying to wake up from this nightmare, but it didn’t work. I didn’t wake up from this for it was not a dream. I ran outside the parlor from where they were reading the scriptures and fell to my knees on the pavement. Now I was bawling and squeezing the quilt my grandmother made for me. This was the only piece of her I have left now. Why though? Why did this have to happen to me? I threw the blanket down on the hot pavement and ran. I ran for the longest time. I ran over grass, over dirt, over cement, then I just stopped and looked up to the sky. My eyes were red with fury. “Why did this have to happen to me?!” I screamed while crying “ I didn’t do anything to deserve this, I did everything like you told me to. I respected everyone, when people talked badly to me I turned the other cheek. Everyone I knew, I showed them love. I didn’t turn anyone away, not even people I didn’t like at all. Because everyone is human, just like me, and everyone has their own problems. I did everything for you, and you do this to me?! Why God, why?!” I yelled to the clouds. “ I’ll do anything to bring her back, anything, just say the word. Speak to me! Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I won’t ever do anything wrong ever again. I promise…”  Then I realized something. He didn’t care about me. I was just some petty human, who was he to be concerned with me? It was now I noticed that I was very tired, so I lay down and think about it. If God doesn’t care about me, then is anyone else capable of caring about me. The answer was no and it broke my heart just to think about it. I guess all I have in this world is me now. So I decided to walk back to the funeral home to get in the car. When I got to the parking lot, I saw my mother waiting by the car with my quilt in her hands. I walked up and snatched it from her. I guess she didn’t understand why I did what I did, but what does it matter? She doesn’t care about me anyways. When I got home, I went to my bedroom and slept. I don’t know how long I slept, but all I know is that I slept. For a very long time. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was thinking about my grandmother, and every time I thought about her, I’d cry. By the time I got out of bed it was Wednesday. Three days since the funeral. I’d been in my room sleeping and crying for three days. When I thought about this I got very hungry. I walked into the kitchen. In the middle was the table. It was dark brown and it had 6 chairs all around it. I walked over and sat in a chair. “You want something to eat honey?” I jumped. “Mom! You scared me!” “Haha, sorry sweetie, but are you hungry?” She asked. “Yes ma’am.” She made me a grilled cheese sandwich and I devoured it. I got up to go to my room when she grabbed me, turned me around and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “You know I love you and I’ll do anything for you, right?” She asked. She does care about me. I realize how stupid I’ve been and I tell her I love her too. In that moment I realized that even if God didn’t care about me, it didn’t mean that my family and friends don’t care about me. I think about my grandma and all the good times we had. I think about going sledding, riding bikes, and all the other fun stuff we did together. I smile at the memories. “ Grandma, I won’t cry over you anymore. I’ll be happy at all the times we had together.” Death is something that happens. I can’t stop it, you can’t stop it, no-one can. Without it, what would life be worth? Not a lot is what I’d assume. You just have to learn to accept it and move on with your life. You aren’t doing yourself any favors by holding on to your sorrow. Let it go and celebrate the times you had and are having.

 

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