THX0477: Napoleon BonaparteMature

Je m'appelle Napoleon; ecoutez moi bien.  Vive La France.  Vive L'Empereur.  Vive moi.  Maintenant, en Anglais pour vous mendiants stupides.


1.  I shan't apologize for this, as I know full well this is all stuff you're dying to know, you philistines.

2.  Quite simply, it is my way or the highway.

3.  But then again, I own the highway.

4.  Marshal Soult is an effective military man, but I swear to God the man cheats at cards.

5.  Small trees can have large roots.  That's all I'm saying.

6.  I always say, one good invasion deserves another.

7.  Secretly, Ive always wanted to live on an island.

8.  I have decided that a sore, given that it does not hurt or otherwise cause inconvenience, is hardly a sore at all.  Therefor, 'tis nothing overwhich to trouble one's self.

9.  Everyone oohs and ahhs over my charger, looks good in paintings and all that, but honestly I hate the stupid thing--rides like a dairy mule and has awful wind more days than not.

10.  I once dated an Englishwoman.  I'm not saying that's what this is all about, but still...she could have been more accomodating.

11.  As a boy I dreamt of running away and joining the gypsies.  Then I met some, and that dream swiftly died.  Damn, dirty gypsies.

12.  Paris in the summer is a lovely place.  That aside, it stinks to high heavens, and the pigeons are near intolerable.  If we ever have the man-power I believe I shall task a brigade with no other duty than target practice on the filthy things.

13.  The only reason we went to Egypt was on a lark to make the world's largest sand castle.  When that plan fell through, quite honestly I lost interest in the whole enterprise.

14.  The navy worries me.  That many men all couped up at sea just can't be a good thing.  The British seemed to like their navy though, for what that's worth.

15.  I once caught Josephine drinking English tea.  I didn't talk to her a for a month!  She was quite put out.

16.  Fine wine is not nearly as intoxicating as victory.

17.  It is not so much that I am short, as it is that a large number of people are freakishly tall.  That's right.  You're all a bunch of freaks.

18.  Seasickness has plagued me all my days.  In fact, I've already had to hang two sailors for giggling about it.  If you hear it from anyone else, please forward their names to me, as I would like to have a kind word with them in regards to discretion.  Merci.

19.  The Prussians:  I find them to be excellent horsemen but terrible bores at parties.  There, I said it.

20.  The nude paintings are coming along nicely, though I do struggle something fierce with the navels.

21.  Debauchery is just another word for what you wish you could get away with too.

22.  The Battle of Friedland was won based on strategy largely dependent upon the fact that I was actually looking at the map upside down, a fact I did not realize until much later.  Still, we won, so that is that.

23.  I never liked Beethoven anyway, and the 3rd Symphony droned on an awful lot more than I would have liked.  Dedications are over-rated in my opinion.

24.  I can't stand baguettes.  Why we can't make a bread that is neither inconveniently long or inevitably stale I shall never know.

25.  I closed the gulf of anarchy and brought order out of chaos. I rewarded merit regardless of birth or wealth, wherever I found it. I abolished feudalism and restored equality to all regardless of religion and before the law. I fought the decrepit monarchies of the Old Regime because the alternative was the destruction of all this. I purified the Revolution.  And I had a damn fine time doing it too.

The End

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