21st June 2010
Here, look at me, writing a letter, just like people used to do a few centuries ago. Well, not much choice is there, at the moment, what with no mobiles and stuff, and not even landlines, and as for the internet, it'll be years before that's back, they reckon. Wasn't it funny that day, when the system went potty?
Where were you when all the fuss started? Were you at work? Must have been a right kerfuffle! I was at the seaside – been on a trip to the Isle of Wight, hadn't I? Something awful happened. (But not as bad as everything that happened afterwards.)
Well, you know that Mr Sethargis bloke? The one who apparently went missing. Of course you do - he was your boss ha ha. Well, when I see you I'll tell you what really happened to him. There was this strange woman, called Trebbin or Trubble or Trabban or something, and she'll make sure something really bad happens to me if I ever tell. It's a good job I can't ring you because it would just be too risky so it'll have to wait. We must meet up soon – I've missed you so much!
As you were on the inside, so to speak, you'll have all the goss about Black Thursday.
By the way, what's that Lord Branson like to work for?
2nd July 2010
I'm sooooo pleased you got in touch. How on earth did you get my address? Glad you did though - I'd never have managed to find you.
How are you, girl? Got a job yet? We're recruiting and Dickie is a DREAM to work for. I've popped an application form in for you.
Anyway, what they reckon happened was... the Anti-BT Front put a macro-virus into the mainframe – I don't know what any of that means, but apparently that's what it was. Anyway, there I was at work that day, when suddenly there were crossed lines on every single one of my calls. And what I heard was dead weird. Just lots of automated call centres talking to each other – really random, like: ''To hear the options again, please press zero.'' and ''If you wish to request account stationery, please press 2.'' and ''You said 'Recycling Bin'. Please press the hash key to confirm.'' and ''This is Spelthorne Council. We are now closed. Please call back between 9am and 5pm, Monday to Friday or leave your message after the tone.'' That went on for about an hour and then they all started getting scrambled and that got even weirder. So then it was ''You said 'Hash', please leave your account in Pizza Hut'' and stuff like that.
Of course, we heard afterwards that it was happening all over the world, and it didn't help that the people who did manage to get through were selling all their BT shares, which led to the collapse of the stock market everywhere.
Then, suddenly, everything went dead, and there was this rumble, sort of underground. We all thought it was an earthquake. What it actually was, was the whole system going into overload, and all the lines melted, and then the BIG thing happened.
The Met office are saying that it was a freak cyclone or something, which twisted off the top of the ''Big Tower in Cleveland Street'' (we're not allowed to call it anything else now, by the way – Dickie's rules). I'm not so sure about that though. It didn't affect any other buildings...oh, apart from the one in Birmingham. At the exact same time? Hello?! I don't think so.
What a pity the Queen was hosting that private party at the Cleveland Street one at the time. Very sad. Well, I'm sure she didn't suffer...
Are you going to the Coronation next month? I reckon King George will be a WELL good monarch!
Tell you what. Let's go together.
Write back soon.