From this week's press
PIG WORLD BOMBED
London, and indeed Britain, was rocked last night after a series of explosions destroyed the ''Pink Tower.'', home of the controversial HM Pig World. The new ''Royal Theme Park'', which was recently opened by the Prince of Wales and the Duke of Edinburgh, had been set to become the UK's most popular tourist attraction.
It is thought that a terrorist group broke into the Tower yesterday afternoon, and took possession of the 500 pigs which formed the bulk of the exhibit, setting explosive devices before they left. Police are examining CCTV footage, which is said to show several white vans arriving and leaving the scene between 3pm and 4pm. An elderly employee was later discovered by emergency services, in the grounds of the Tower, bound and gagged. He was uninjured, but is in hospital, suffering from a mild chest infection.
The Prince of Wales is said to be ''devastated.'' Prince Philip, currently in Klosters, on his first skiing holiday, was unavailable for comment.
Lord Ashdown issued a statement on the disaster early this morning. ''We are very disappointed indeed that such damage has been inflicted on an historic building, and that this very worthwhile initiative has been ended by mindless terrorist action.''
DANES IMPLICATED IN PIG WORLD BOMBING?
The Danish government is today denying all rumours that the terrorist attack on HM Pig World two days ago was instigated by an underground organisation connected with Denmark's bacon industry. It was rumoured that officials in the Federation of Danish Bacon Producers feared that the 'Save the Pig' message promoted by the sponsors and supporters of HM Pig World would spread to their nation, reduce the demand for bacon, and effectively ruin their livelihood. It is alleged by various sources that yesterday's attack was planned and perpetrated by their cohorts.
A spokesman, Mr P Schmiechel, said, during a press conference, ''It is true that we Danes love our bacon, and I cannot deny that there were fears when we heard of HM Pig World, but we respect the British people, their government and their Royal family, and will not condone such behaviour by any bacon producing country.
TOM, TOM, THE PIPER'S SON?
It has emerged today that one of the so-called Pig Bombers caught on CCTV camera during yesterday's HM Pig World raid was Thomas Carter, eldest son of the Queen's Piper.
Mr Carter (18) pictured below, is clearly seen running to a white van with a squealing pig under his arm, in an exclusive video obtained by The Sun today. This video can be viewed online by phoning the number below and typing in the code given.
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EXTREMIST GROUP RESPONSIBLE FOR PIG WORLD DISASTER
A little known group of campaigners have joined the stream of people to date claiming responsibility for last Sunday's Pig World Bombing. This group was set up shortly after the pig was identified as an endangered species. In a call to The Daily Star, an anonymous member of ''Stamp Out Long Pig Eating Now'' (SOLPEN) stated. ''We applaud this action. We all know that if people can't get their bacon legally, they will resort to unspeakable acts. There are Long Pig Eating Societies all over Britain already.''
Asked for details of where these groups existed, the spokesperson refused to divulge them, for fear of repercussions against herself and her family.
SQUEAK, PIGGY, SQUEAK.
Whisperings in the Royal Chambers at Buckingham Palace seem to point at a certain Royal personage as a prime mover in the Pig World bombing last week.
The gossipmongers at the Palace say that The Queen was always opposed to the concept of Pig World, and may have ''arranged'' to have it ''dealt with''. Our source adds that she was ''delighted'' when she heard the explosions. ''She hated that awful giant pig's head on the side of the Tower, and thought it lowered the tone of the neighbourhood. She was also getting fed up of all the squealing and the sight of children and adults wearing those terrible piggy masks.'' It has been well known for years that she had never liked the idea of the Pink Tower in the first place, so was not unhappy at its loss.