1. Try to get at least one astronomical utility bill a week.
2. Keep up to date with the billions in profits made by the telephone, electric, gas companies.
3. Step in dog mess. This isn't as easy as it once was, but there are still opportunities out there! Tip.! Wear open toed shoes for maximum effect, or trainers with deep tread!
4.Become a fascist! There are plenty of groups out there desperate for members, and you don't need any intellect what so ever. Plus, over all, you get maximum misery for all time, eternal damnation no less!
5.Make sure you eat plenty of lard.
6.If you don't already smoke, take it up. Warning! not cannabis because it could well lead you in the opposite direction. Thankfully there are laws that protect us from this eventuality. Tobacco, however, will replace all of that oxygen from your lungs with noxious fumes, thus making you lethargic as well as smelly, plus, you'll be addicted to nicotine and have to spend tens of thousands of pounds on it throughout your life, but best of all, it will constrict your arteries with a future prospect of limb amputation!
7.Binge drink! As a known depressant it's sure to have you doing embarrassing, rude or even criminal things, regrettable things, a sure way to anguish.
8. Get a credit card or four. With interest rates rising, there's never been a better time to capitalize on the negative effects this promises.
9.Get a mortgage, if you can.
10. Don't speak to anyone, especially if they say hello.
11. Become clinically obese. Many people are catching on to the general benefits in gloom that this offers.
12. If you can't gain weight, tie weights around your legs and carry house bricks in a rucksack, and this should give you the overall angst.
13.If you don't already live here, come to live in England!
14.Knock your big toe up! It's free and very effective.
15.Frown more! It uses more muscles than smiling.
16. Avoid walking at all costs and order people to carry you around.
17. Ultimate your feelings of self loathing if you're English by holidaying in France, Scotland, Ireland or Wales, they're sure to make you feel personally responsible for the actions of your government for the last 1500 years.
18.Sneak into hospitals and see if you can catch a "super bug!" Remember, not all diseases are immune to antibiotics.
19.Try to get a lengthy prison sentence, preferably for a crime you did not commit.
20. Finally, try to buy as many things as possible that you don't need and can't afford.