Always Blame The Slave... And The Ravenous Dogs.

Method 1

Go out to the nearest RSPCA centre for dogs, and buy the most vicious Alsatians you can find. You know they will be vicious because the RSPCA would have rescued them from an abusive family so they should be angry and aggressive towards you. Put them on leads made from very thin bits of wool which they can easily bite/ eat / pull their way out of. Then, give them to your slave, who you like slightly more than your butler (You must also have given your slave his only possession a few days previously – a lighter which looks a lot like a torch – and this must be your slave’s one and ONLY possession so he/she will carry it around at all times). Position them outside one of your doors ready for action when the time is right (This must also happen at night). Make sure that you haven’t fed the dogs for days and they are very ravenous. Then, above the door, get your manservant/ groundskeeper/ general dogsbody to buy a very small breakable shelf above the said door on the inside. On this shelf, put a row of 20kg weights so they completely cover the shelf. Then attach some rope to the shelf and the hinge, so that when the door is opened, the shelf is yanked off the wall from one side and then the weights are in the right position to fall on the person opening the door’s head. To make sure that the door is opened by the right person (the butler), you must become very rich and posh so that no-one expects you to open the door yourself and therefore the butler must do it. You must also plant a few dog biscuits in the pockets of the butler before hand. Once the following conditions are in place, get your slave (accompanied by the ravenous dogs) to ring the doorbell. Then the following will happen:

 • Butler goes to open the door.
• Shelf tips and weights fall on his head, rendering him unconscious.
• Dogs smell dog biscuits and pounce on butler, ravaging him with their ferocious teeth.

After this has happened, you need to dispose of the weights and the rope, or it will seem too suspicious. Therefore, you need to position the maintenance man in the cellar with all the electric fuse boxes. Once he has seen what has happened on the CCTV camera (which will be wiped or not set on record that day) he will trip the fuse for that section of the house. Once the dogs have fled, the slave will go up to (hopefully) the corpse of the butler and examine him by turning the “torch” on close to the butlers face. However, because it is in fact a lighter, the slave will have accidentally set fire to the butler, causing the rope and weights to melt. For this to work properly, you need to use a metal such as lead or tin because they melt at 327 and 202 deg. C respectively. The flame from a lighter burns at 1000 deg. C so these metals will melt easily. Lead is also quite dense because it weighs 11,340 kg/1 cu.m. Therefore it is ideal because it has a fairly low melting point for the purpose and it is good for making weights because it is very dense. However, do not eat as it is bad for your health. Additionally, the rope and (wooden) shelf will burn easily so no worries there. So…

• Dogs finish ravaging the hopefully dead butler and run away
• Maintenance guy cuts the power to the section after checking when to go on CCTV. 
• Slave gets out “torch” (lighter) to inspect the body which goes up in flames along with everything else

So, you’re rich and your slaves just set fire to your butler. How are you going to stop the fire burning your entire house down? Easy. Before this whole event, you need to install (well, probably not you personally, but send out the order) overhead sprinklers into the ceiling which are wirelessly powered and when everything has burned / melted that is necessary, your gardener can turn them on and Bob’s your uncle – your house doesn’t burn down.
So to recap:

• Everything that is necessary burns
• Gardener remotely sets off the sprinklers to save your possessions.

The perfect time to use this method is when you are about to move house/mansion. This is because everything will have been moved into the removal lorries and taken to your new residence and so nothing will be damaged. Also, you can claim damages on the insurance anyway. And you can get compensation from the death of the butler. It's a win-win situation.

And remember, if this all seems a bit conspicuous to you, you can always blame the slave. After all, they were the one that set ravenous Alsatians on the butler, and then burned him to death.

The End

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