you're the closest
to heaven that i'll ever be,
because i can't believe in a god
that would have my head
for loving someone
of my own gender.
and it's not like i can help it.
love is not a choice,
it's not a conscious decision that you make.
i just try to get by
by trying to not love everyone i pass.
because i don't allow myself to love,
i don't allow myself to crush on someone
who's certainly unattainable.
i'm not that cruel to myself.
i won't put myself through that pain again,
because it might destroy me.
and i don't care if people use god for something
he doesn't represent (and i know they do)
because i've watched my life crumble
around me, had to build it up again when it fell down.
and i'm not going to
try and have faith in someone i can't
i am not capable of faith where there is no proof.
if it isn't scientific,
i can't fathom the stars.
and so maybe this makes me miserable,
but i can't help it.
but you, my darling,
are the only one that i've allowed in.
and i'm so lucky,
even though you're not safe to love,
and darling, you make everything worthwhile,
and this was never meant to turn into a sonnet of love,
but you make my heart beat faster,
faster, out of my chest.
you're a thief,
and your first crime was to steal my heart,
creep in, clothed in black,
leave with my only treasure before i woke.
so my darling,
the first thing i'd like to say
is that you are beautiful,
and i love you so much it hurts.
but you are the one
who showed me that love didn't have to be
that it could be the best thing
that i've felt in years.
and i thought
that the day i fell
would be into darkness and depression.
but dear, when i fell,
i fell right into love