you're the closest to heaven


you're the closest

to heaven that i'll ever be,

because i can't believe in a god

that would have my head

for loving someone 

of my own gender.

and it's not like i can help it.

love is not a choice,

it's not a conscious decision that you make.

i just try to get by

by trying to not love everyone i pass.

because i don't allow myself to love,

i don't allow myself to crush on someone

who's certainly unattainable.

i'm not that cruel to myself. 

i won't put myself through that pain again,

because it might destroy me.

and i don't care if people use god for something 

he doesn't represent (and i know they do)

because i've watched my life crumble

around me, had to build it up again when it fell down.

and i'm not going to

try and have faith in someone i can't

i am not capable of faith where there is no proof.

if it isn't scientific,

i can't fathom the stars.

and so maybe this makes me miserable,

but i can't help it.

but you, my darling,

are the only one that i've allowed in.

and i'm so lucky, 

so lucky,

even though you're not safe to love,

who is?

and darling, you make everything worthwhile,

and this was never meant to turn into a sonnet of love,

but you make my heart beat faster,

faster, out of my chest.

you're a thief,

and your first crime was to steal my heart,

creep in, clothed in black,

leave with my only treasure before i woke.

so my darling,

the first thing i'd like to say

is that you are beautiful,

and i love you so much it hurts.

but you are the one

who showed me that love didn't have to be


that it could be the best thing

that i've felt in years.

and i thought

that the day i fell

would be into darkness and depression.

but dear, when i fell,

i fell right into love

with you.

The End

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