This is also one of the first poems that I'd ever written, it's also dedicated to the person I will love until the day I die. Ti amo, Tesoro.
I could not expect even you to try to understand me now
For if not even you who could?
That would be hoping for so much more than it’s worth
And to me the world is worth so much less
Isn’t it obvious from the erotic ways I act?
Or from the obscene words that I say here from time to time?
Or the secret things that I am feeling and those I am hiding from the world?
Or those that I am keeping from even you?
And the irresponsible ways that I seem live my life
Yet here I sit proud of my homicidal, yet beautiful lifestyle
I know that I am a complete mystery to your endless gaze
But you can see straight through this worn disguise
You always could
And you still can
But I still can’t figure why it is that I still want you to hold me
After all that you’ve put me through!
Can you imagine that pain I felt? Or the loathing hurt?
Because of you I learned to love, and trust myself
And because of you, I learned that I can’t trust anyone else
And that you’ll always hurt me
You know that the one day I’ll tell you I’ll whither and disappear
I’ll fade into the dark abyss that is your ever-changing eyes
But still I will not cease to amaze you with my irrational curiosity
I’ll walk through the solid walls that had once held you at bay
Laugh at the things that you once feared
And find beauty, where you only saw darkness and flaws
But I think see it now
How we connect as two jagged pieces of the endless puzzle that is life
That’s where we are different you and I
I’m scared of death
I’m scared of living
Where you feel safe warm and at home
I am cold trapped and held prisoner by my own self-conscious fears
As I can love, to feel love and believe in the darkened meaning of the word
You cannot even compare to the aspect of which you refuse to believe in the very meaning of the word
You are afraid to share your warmth your light with another
So no I do not expect you to understand me no more than I can be expected to understand you
As much as I’ve wished to tell you these things
I have not dared breathe a word
Don’t you see that it is you I fear
I fear the judgment you will lay upon me, as you do now
For if you see these words come from my cold trembling lips
I still will fear your darkening gaze
You don’t even know me, but you’ve known me for such a long time now
Can’t you see the strength I hold?
I can break the ties that bind me to your side
Whether I wish to be there or does my heart
Throw these shackles aside
Unlocking the chains and ropes that bind
I can dry these endless tears that pool at your feet
But I choose to love you for the simple fact of I do
Even with choice I’ll stay next to you no matter if you see me
Or you don’t
But to you this I vow I will make you see me one day
As I truly am a broken spirit
A dark sprite looking for the call to life
Someone who’s loved you for quite a while now but has gone unseen
And even if you cannot understand you soon shall see