because i'm a tactile person,
not with you, no
i won't touch you
i wrap my arms around people's shoulders,
push them gently along with hands on their backs,
smoothing fingers over the top of their heads,
holding their wrists or palms,
hugging them until my skin doesn't itch anymore
i never stop touching people,
just to make myself feel a little more human
and i always ask first,
usually "hug or no?"
and let them decide
there are my regulars,
people i lean into without a check-in
because i know they like it
and those that crave touch
but don't want to admit it,
hang onto my arms and won't let go
though they will never initiate contact
i will not place my hands on you.
i have forgiven a lot.
i'm a shitty person,
i know that,
there are things even i can't excuse
and when i'm curled in my bed at night,
trying to muffle my sobs
as i attempt to stop the bleeding from my hips
(i won't cut farther than my thighs,
too much of a risk of getting caught),
you should know that i never think of you.
[edit: callname taken out]
and the one i will not name,
they come to mind,
along with the Redhead Hurricane
and those i left behind so long ago
and i won't be tactile with you,
won't touch you with the effortless contact
that i use with everything else.
i don't really want to directly hurt you,
not in the way the vindictive part of me whispers.
but i will not cause myself more pain
just to spare you.