"put me in the dirt let me dream with the stars"

i spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes

- fall out boy

i wonder sometimes

if i fall in love with other people so often 
in a futile attempt to fall in love with myself. 

a fruitless endeavour 
that results only in broken hearts
and missing the soft skin over their hearts

i'm a tactile person, 
hands like black swamps that melt 
soak into the flesh of those i touch 
and i am poison

i bring nothing good to those i'm close to

my love only hurts people

and i know i drape myself across your legs, 
hold your hand and tug you along
sidle up behind you and slip my hands underneath your sweater to brush along
the fabric of your shirt, the same hug you give me 
arms around my shoulders

but i'm so afraid one day all my touches 
that seep darkness into your bones
will collide in a big bang that breaks you apart

and i wish i had enough self control to stop myself 
but i'm addicted to laying myself over you 
skin to skin with your hands carding slowly through my hair
over my back and tucking yourself neatly under my chin 

i know one day you'll get sick of me 
learn to hate me 
learn that i am not worth it, 
palms stained with all of my problems

and the thing is, 
i did it anyways. 

i got attached to you, 
let you know me, 
all the while with the sinking voice in the back of my head
reminding you that you will end up gone 
because everyone does in the end

i drive everyone away

and i won't blame you when you leave. 

i promise i won't 
there have been too many to scar with anger and regret
and i just hope you won't push me away too much before you step away

i loathe myself so much it's no surprise
other people have come to mimic my actions 
and i am the unwitting teacher of how best to stay away 

and precious mamie once said,
fingers creased with old wine and aged paper, 

ne pas toucher le cassé ; 
vos mains saignera seulement.

The End

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