Writing About God

I keep not writing about God.

I think I've been afraid.

These past few months, I've struggled
and fallen
and been silent when I should've spoken
and spoken when I should've been silent.

I've gained friends...
...and lost them.

And everytime I stumble
everytime I crumble
when it ought to make me humble

Oh, yes, everytime I sin
everytime temptation wins
when it ought to bring change within

Everytime I prove I'm a broken creature, I run from God.

Sometimes, when I pray, I kneel down all politely
I clasp my hands, close my eyes, try to look holy as I speak to Him.

Other times, I just want to show Him how far I've fallen,
so my prayers are filled with profanity and rage.
and
complaints fill my prayer journal...page after page.

I guess this is what it means to be human...?

I keep avoiding writing about God.

Who am I to write about God, when it's all I can do to keep from
self-harming, and
giving into various eating issues, and
cursing God and giving up, and
living like all the other people who have a hard time seeing the silver lining
?

and then, I see.

Writing about God isn't a privilege only granted to perfect people.
Writing about God isn't saying I have it all together.
Writing about God isn't something you do when
you've finally attained the spiritual maturity you seek.

Writing about God is open.
Honest.
Here's-where-I-am-right-now.
I'm-struggling-too.

Writing about God is doing the spiritual laundry
It's cleansing
Soul-rending
It's a blessing.

So I'm writing about God and declaring His Faithfulness, even though I have failed Him so, so, so often.
I'm writing about God and praising Him for meeting me at my level, no matter how far I've fallen.
I'm writing about God and thanking Him for Loving me enough to show me how to change.
I'm writing about God, and He knows I'm the least qualified spokesperson, but He can make beautiful things from ashes.

I keep hiding. I keep balking. I keep falling flat on my face. I keep being less than who I'm meant to be.

And, even though my soul is weary and I've made lots of mistakes, I'm also writing about God.

The End

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