would God commit suicideMature

that feeling
of your jaws stretched open solid
throat coated with words that
leave their letters in your vocal cords
and s-st-staunch them
so you can't let any bedraggled words slip out your mouth at all - 
that feeling.

I feel them march across my neck
these messages wanting to flee my mind
                                           I               scrape
my veins out -
maybe they'll listen to a deadwoman.

they self-destruct
cataclysmic collisions cutting themselves open like supernovae
they couldn't hold onto their sky any longer, so
they just gave up and let their guts & secrets turn
                                                                                      inside out
like the exploded stars they are.

here we are, insecurities laid naked on the table, broken
jars like Egyptians filled their
jars with their dead insides
I saw them starve away their souls
shards s-l-i-c-i-n------g into our imperfect daimond diamond minds
trying to fill their razed spirits with shredded money and marked up schedules and half-witted sex -

running like the devil on a treadmill
or the wrong way on an escalator
trying to get away. but always
being chased by our own wreaked havoc~

and shooting heroines everytime we shoot heroin
and telling the men and women to do this, this, and this before they -
before they -
they -
forgetting that rumpled sheets might create heartbroken single mothers
and who will tell our children they're not monsters?*

and let's - let's - let's -
fill people up with kerosene & light 'em up
and tell 'em 'twas bad luck
but saying, hey, God doesn't have any buckets of water left over to douse the fire that's killing you
'cause He spent it all making that disastrous flood in the next-town-over.
so dump water on your own darn heads.

hotheads, we all
with our penciled eyebrows and whitening strips
strips you down to the core and makes you realize that, heck - 
maybe silicone has penetrated our souls and infected us
in a straight, gangrenous line
from our made-up breasts to our heart.

and their battered up, watered down forms of Christianity
become Christian vanity
and survival of the fittest in the churches
who'd've thought Darwin would preach a sermon from our pulpits?!
so many church doors are only open to the prettiest
and the weird ones can just go SCREW themselves!!
my friend says he doesn't go to church 'cause it's
full of hypocrites/
is it? are we?
so many of my "Christian" acquaintances haven't told my gay friends that God loves them
'cause, dang, what if they crush on God?

what if we're supposed to?

Who is broken over our sufferings
and sends bearers of His Name out to be the rescue mission
but so many of us won't get off our couches
from where we watch televangelism on our TVs
and casually scroll through porn on our Smartphones
even though they'd rather damn themselves than let their daughters be the next porn stars.

and the chilling fire that fogs up our windows
"there's a dying world out there!"
makes us draw our pretty little curtains so that we don't have to move our butts.
we don't "see why man should not be just as cruel as nature."
look that quote up if you don't recognize it;
it was spoken by your role model.

I walk through a residence hall, walls
stained by puke splashed from too many nights of too-hard partying
I wonder
if some "Christians" don't associate with the "sinners" 'cause they're too scared of someone blowing chunks on their Uggs?
go ahead and shake your head at me, Christian,
but so many people who bear my beautiful Savior's Name
couldn't actually care less that every day people go to hell! go to hell...

I used to love bittersweet endings,
thinking tragedies were the most beautiful stories, but
they're not.
they just mean more people going to hell. going to hell.

and I wonder if, up in Heaven, God has a Big Red Button
that He could press to save all the souls in this world
but He. doesn't.
because He knows that true love lets decide, no
true love does not force.
and if I cry myself sick on my pillow over the sake of one lost loved one
how must He ache for the billions of souls who don't know Him?

but He keeps on offering Redemption
to the very ones who profane His Name
to the very ones who break His Heart
maybe that flood-next-door was really the outpouring of tears
He could not contain.

I love them, oh, the lost souls
even though it kills me - 
there is no other way to live
and this marriage of Love and Agony;
o God, if having Your Heart means leaving behind Christian vanity and breaking every single freaking day because I am so torn up - chewed up - by the loved ones who destroy themselves daily
convinced they love it
then give me more of Your Heart!

I see all this aforementioned misery -
the guilt, the lostness, the hopelessness painted in vibrantly horrific colors across this whole world
and God
the way it rends my spirit, until I can hardly
at people I love without having the overwhelming urge for them to
know You as I do -
the way I cry over them at night...

I would give my life for them.
Lord, let me love them 'til it drives me so crazy I can hardly think straight until they know Your abundant life.
let me die if it opens their eyes to the reality of Your Abundant Life.

I will wash the sinners' tell-tale sheets and scrub their feet
while other "Christians" would rather sit and eat
from the decadence they think they deserve.
there is so much wrong in this society, and God!
let me Love like You do...

I am not better than them.
I am not better than them.
I merely know You. and I know
You very, very well.

to see all this destruction
my friends, the supernovae
and all the pseudo-Christians who secretly tremble 'cause they know they've got it wrong

how You must bleed!
o God, how You did bleed.
how You did bleed.
if my spirit bleeds over the deception of one campus, Lord -
how You must bleed for this world!
You couldn't stand the sight of our hopelessness,
so You became hopelessness as You hung on that cross.
'cause You couldn't just let us go.

any God Who continuously extends His Undying Love
to the ones who refuse to acknowledge His Existence -
any God Who is daily broken over the billions of souls
He Loves
but who insist upon slipping their necks onto nooses made out of their own smiles -
any God who can daily suffer alongside His Creation with supernaturally enormous tears in His Eyes

any God Who can endure billions of heartbreaks without just giving up altogether
deserves my utmost devotion.

The End

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